- Stephen Fry: [quoting Albert Einstein] Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe.
- Rob Brydon: When I was small and my dad just happened to hit his finger with a hammer for something new, he used to say, 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.'
- Stephen Fry: That's a good saying 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.' I usually just say "Fuck it!"
- Stephen Fry: [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him] If I've got a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,
- [bringing out his right fist]
- Stephen Fry: What have I got?
- Alan Davies: Two moth balls?
- Stephen Fry: A rather excited moth.
- Alan Davies: Sorry, I thought you were literally asking.
- Guest: One thing I learned working on the Vagina Monologues is that the clitoris has no other function than pleasure. I liked that, nice that otherwise it was purely decorative.
- Stephen Fry: As indeed is my penis.
- Sean Lock: Hey Stephen, what are you pissing through these days?
- Phill Jupitus: [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic] Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
- Stephen Fry: Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.
- Bill Bailey: [laughs] I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"
- Phill Jupitus: [putting on posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!
- Alan Davies: [after his buzzer is a sexy woman's voice saying "Ahoy, hello sailor"] Hang on, hang on, who was that?
- [pushes buzzer again]
- Alan Davies: Hells bells.
- Howard Goodall: The Quite Interesting thing about Bees is that they all died out in the First World War, they caught a bad cold, and we imported loads of Mexican Bees to keep the pollination going. So when they tell you that they're all native bees, they're not, actually.
- Alan Davies: Do the British National Party know about this?
- Howard Goodall: What, you mean the BEE NP?
- Alan Davies: The BEE NP, yes.
- Stephen Fry: If you put 5 Species of Sponge in a Blender they will separate out and reform again afterwards.
- Phill Jupitus: Like Terminator 2!
- Stephen Fry: I tried it with Chihuahuas but it didn't work.
- Stephen Fry: "Shagging the Dog"? This is a phrase in Canada, is it?
- Guest: It means having a Lazy Day. Like "Shagging the Sheep".
- Stephen Fry: Might be common practise around here, but not a figure of Speech.
- Guest: You know, with a Lady, you have to woo her, take her to Dinner, but with the Dog it's just "Here, boy!"
- Phill Jupitus: Again, I must correct you there!
- Stephen Fry: [after much teasing over flubbing the words, Stephen finally gets to say it properly] They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is... there are no straight lines!
- Guest: The only South African Past-time I know about is leaving the Country when it becomes a Democracy...
- Guest: I think Swedish Socialism comes from the Vikings: they have this concept "Larghomme" in Sweden which means "Just enough", which comes from sharing out the wine after a raid, making sure that there's no-one at the back who didn't get any.
- Stephen Fry: Do you suppose elephants see pink human beings when they're drunk?
- Clive Anderson: Human beings are pink!
- Stephen Fry: There are stories of Nurses who get sent Stools by grateful patients, you must have heard this?
- Jo Brand: They're not necessarily grateful.
- Stephen Fry: 1 to 4% of our DNA is Neanderthal.
- Jack Dee: Was there ever a Homo Sapien/Neanderthal Wedding?
- Stephen Fry: Just go to Basildon any Saturday Night.
- Stephen Fry: The Hindenburg was filled with Hydrogen, which of course is incrensely dangerous...
- Phill Jupitus: What have I told you about not reading Jabberwocky before you come on?
- Stephen Fry: Pliny thought a sure cure for a headache was to tie the genitals of a fox around your forehead.
- [Funny voice]
- Stephen Fry: But still, it's better than propping up the evil Pharmaceutical Companies that are destroying our World...
- Stephen Fry: What does the moon smell of?
- Jo Brand: Is it Buzz Aldrin's dirty underpants?
- Stephen Fry: Well..
- Jo Brand: Face it, he probably buried some up there.
- Alan Davies: I buried my underpants in the back garden once, and in the morning they'd gone!
- Julian Clary: People advertise dirty underpants in the back of magazines.
- Stephen Fry: Well, not in the Spectator they don't! Is all I can say to that.
- Stephen Fry: How many muscles are in your fingers?
- Phill Jupitus: One, if you play your cards right!
- [Winks and Flirts]
- Stephen Fry: [flustered] I'm not going to look at you!
- Stephen Fry: [talking with Dr. Ben Goldacre about the DSM IV] There we are, some Psychologists seem to have Disorder Naming Compulsion Disorder.
- Stephen Fry: Nobody quite knows why Neanderthals went extinct.
- Jack Dee: Maybe we teased them to Death! "Yes, I know I'm ugly and stupid..."
- Dr Ben Goldacre: [Russia] "Truth and justice are found in the paranoid delusional."
- Alan Davies: Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable. I have seen him on his bicycle. I have seen him buying vegetables. Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable.
- Stephen Fry: A Saudi Mullah once condemned Homosexuality saying that Anal Sex caused Earthquakes. Anal Sex of course does not cause Earthquakes.
- Andy Hamilton: It does if it's done right!
- Hugh Laurie: I was going to say the same thing! It's spelt with four Ds because that's his name!
- Stephen Fry: Yes, they're a sort of architectural, structural device to prevent his name from falling into the mush of Ewar Woowoo!
- Phill Jupitus: You like a drink, do you, Sandi? It's a good thing you didn't take it too far! You'd be outside Oddbins with a bottle of Whiskey yelling "I WAS SANDI TOKSVIG! I HAD IT ALL!"
- Stephen Fry: [a "Flange" of Baboons; a "Whoop" of Gorillas] A word from a comedy sketch has migrated to the Internet and is now being used by Academics as a real word.
- David Mitchell: We are in trouble as a species if we choose not to believe in things we can't do ourselves.
- Stephen Fry: Let's find out, but later, not now.
- Guest: That is surely not the point of the Show!
- Stephen Fry: I panicked, okay?
- David Mitchell: I love the fact we live in a Country with terrible Customer Service. You know, "This is a Terrible Train, you're tearing tickets in half, of course you look miserable!" I've got respect for that.
- Stephen Fry: Yes, I mean, why stand there with a cheesy grin on your face if your job is like that?
- David Mitchell: It's the sign of a Liar or a Moron!
- Alan Davies: Did you know, it's Quite Interesting...
- Stephen Fry: That's what we're here for!
- Alan Davies: Kiwi fruit uses up more than its own weight in jet fuel to get from New Zealand to Europe.
- Stephen Fry: Who was the most famous person beaten at chess by a machine?
- Alan Davies: Jesus!
- Guest: "Jesus plays Chess" is the name of an Indie Band! Or it's going to be.