Señorita Justice

It had been a good, long time since me and my high school buddies sat down to a righteously awful straight-to-video flick. This confused mess fit the bill and then some.

Try to picture a sort of Pam Grier-type exploitation movie but with Cuban Americans and production values that make you wonder if they just strung three episodes of an ethnic soap opera together, and you have some idea what this is like.

With dozens of goofy montages and instances of recycled footage, it has to have more padding than any 80 minute movie I've ever seen. The action sequences are edited badly (tons of dissolves a la "John Carpenter's Vampires"), choreographed worse (looks like they got the guy that did "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers"), and performed horrendously. The ladies are gorgeous, the guys are cheesy and sleazy--pretty much all the prerequisites are met for a raucous evening in front of the tube with friends and beer. Lots of beer. Check it out!

I admit it, I like B movies. I loved Russ Meyer movies (even with Roger Ebert's lame scripts) I constantly look for them at the Video Store and 90% are lame worthless waste of time like the late-night soft-porn on Cable.

But this one Rocks. It's got Style. It's got real babes that can act and do Martial Arts. I haven't seen one this cool since Faster Pussycat Kill Kill.

Every scene looks like a setup to a porn scene, only just as you get ready to see hot babes rip the clothes of the guy, BAM! POW! BIFF!

(That's right I said BIFF!)

The hot babes kick the livin daylights out of the bad gang bangers!

Besides the title character by Starlet Babe Yancy, you get Eva Longoria as a Latina gangsta moll, Latin Soap star Edith Gonzales as a head detective (zipping her top up when Lawyer-Yancy walks in to end the "interrogation") Graycie Wey is the hottest evil Chinese Kung Fu Killer since Lucy Lui and only one of those incredibly boring cable soft core candle-light soft-jazz "tender lovemaking" scenes.

Every other time you think somebody's gonna get lucky they get a kick in the face instead.

Checkit out - Awesome!

The main reason why I rented this movie was the appearance of Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria. If you're thinking of doing the same...DON'T! She is barely in this terribly-acted, atrociously-produced movie and it was a complete was of 80 minutes. It's almost like many of these characters have never seen how humans act. The music is way too loud in some places and the songs are second-rate. I must admit, I did watch the entire film to see where this train wreck ended up. Plus, the actors/actresses were very kind to the eyes. That was another reason I kept tuned into this flick. Let's just say this won't be winning many awards.

I voted one because I couldn't vote zero. The acting was bad, the quality stank, and the whole thing was like the fascination of the abhorrent. The only surprise in the entire (baaaad) plot was that nobody broke out having sex - that's the quality of movie we're talking about - usually films this bad are rated XXX; they have no other redeeming feature. This one didn't even have that. I can understand the parts of our heroine and the blonde cop, but where did the brunette cop fit in? Basically, this appears to be a way to show that gangstas from Habanita are just as screwed up as all the other ones... OK, so the whole thing did hang together in a weird sort of way, but it left an awful lot of loose ends. It starts in the middle and ends in the middle. Apparently, I don't watch enough daytime drama to keep up with this sort of stuff. I was expecting some sort of Hispanic shoot-em-up, but what I got was a lousy plot with the worst acting, filming and action. Also, apparently, the denizens of Habanita all spontaneously speak English (well, maybe so, although you'd never know it from being there - it's not that they can't speak English, it's just they normally speak Spanish with each other), and, furthermore, they can't cuss worth spit. Spaniards really cuss with extraordinary inventiveness, whereas these guys just mouth off a few limited tacos.

I cannot believe anyone would think this is a 'good' movie. It's only good for laughs as the acting is so terrible it is laugh out loud funny. When Senorita Justice straps on her guns they are so huge she can barely walk and they go missing from scene to scene, one minute she has them then they are gone, must be the magic of cinema. If you like to laugh at bad movies watch this you'll crack up every five minutes. The fight scenes are too much it looks like all the actors are really trying to remember what the stunt folks told them...Let see do I punch him then kick, or was it kick then punch..gosh this is hard. Anyhoo need to get my ten lines in.