- [looking through Shaun's LPs for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]
- Ed: 'Purple Rain'?
- Shaun: No.
- Ed: 'Sign o' the Times'?
- Shaun: Definitely not.
- Ed: The 'Batman' soundtrack?
- Shaun: Throw it.
- Ed: 'Dire Straits'?
- Shaun: Throw it.
- Ed: Ooh, 'Stone Roses'.
- Shaun: Um, No.
- Ed: 'Second Coming'.
- Shaun: I like it!
- Ed: Ahhh! 'Sade'.
- Shaun: Yeah, but that's Liz's!
- Ed: Yeah, but she did dump you.
- Shaun: Oh!
- Shaun: As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team... I don't know what he's talking about.
- Ed: Any zombies out there?
- Shaun: Don't say that!
- Ed: What?
- Shaun: That!
- Ed: What?
- Shaun: The zed-word. Don't say it!
- Ed: Why not?
- Shaun: Because it's ridiculous!
- Ed: All right... are there any out there, though?
- [looking out of the letter-box, he sees an empty street]
- Shaun: I can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that.
- [he turns his head and sees a pack of zombies]
- Shaun: Oh, no, there they are.
- Liz: Shaun?
- Shaun: Yeah?
- Liz: You see what I'm saying?
- Shaun: Yep, totally.
- Liz: I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.
- Shaun: I know.
- Liz: It's not that I don't like Ed.
- [Liz looks over at Ed who is playing an arcade game]
- Liz: Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
- Ed: It's all right.
- Liz: It would just be nice if we could...
- Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Fuck!
- Liz: ...spend a bit more time together...
- Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Bollocks!
- Liz: ...just the two of us.
- Ed: [talking to the arcade machine] Cock it!
- Liz: It's just with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flat-mates out and then that only exacerbates things.
- Shaun: What do you mean?
- Liz: Well you guys hardly get on, do you?
- Shaun: No, what does "exacerbate" mean?
- Liz: It means um, to make things worse.
- Shaun: Right. Well I mean, it's not that I don't like David and Di.
- [Shaun looks over at David and Di at the table next to them]
- Shaun: Guys, it's not that I don't like you.
- David, Dianne: [together] It's all right.
- Shaun: And it's not that I don't want to spend time with you cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.
- Ed: Can I get... any of you cunts... a drink?
- [Shaun is channel hopping]
- [Channel 4 News]
- Krishnan Guru-Murthy: Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's...
- [VH1, playing "Panic" by The Smiths]
- Morrissey: ...Panic on the streets of London...
- [ITV News]
- News Reporter: ...as an increasing number of reports of...
- [Football]
- Football Commentator 2: ...serious attacks on...
- [Channel Five News]
- News Reporter: ...people, who are literally being...
- [Nature documentary, leopards eating a gazelle]
- Documentary Narrator: ...eaten alive.
- [Sky News]
- Jeremy Thompson: Witness reports at best are sketchy. One unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be...
- [T4]
- Vernon Kay: ...dead excited to have with us here a sensational chart topping...
- Ed: What happened to your hand, man?
- Pete: I got mugged on the way home.
- Ed: By who?
- Pete: I dunno by some crackheads or something, one of them bit me.
- Ed: Why'd they bite you?
- Pete: I don't know, I didn't stop to ask them! Now, I have a splitting headache, and your stupid hip hop isn't helping. And the front door is open... AGAIN!
- Ed: It's not hip hop, it's Electro. Prick... Next time I see him, he's dead.
- [repeated line]
- Various: You've got red on you.
- Ed: What's the plan then?
- Shaun: Right.
- [cuts to dream sequence]
- Shaun: We take Pete's car, we drive over to Mum's, we go in, take care of Philip - "I'm so sorry, Philip" - then we grab Mum, we go over to Liz's place, hole up, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
- Ed: Why have we got to go to Liz's?
- Shaun: Because we do.
- Ed: But she dumped you!
- Shaun: I have to know if she's all right!
- Ed: Why?
- Shaun: Because I love her!
- Ed: All right... gayyy... I'm not staying there, though.
- Shaun: Why not?
- Ed: If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke.
- Shaun: Okay.
- [cuts to dream sequence again]
- Shaun: We take Pete's car, go round Mum's, go in, deal with Philip - "Sorry, Philip!" - grab Mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea and wait for this whole thing to blow over.
- Ed: Perfect!
- Shaun: No, no, no, no, no, wait, we can't bring her back here.
- Ed: Why not?
- Shaun: Well, it's not really safe, is it?
- Ed: Yeah, look at the state of it.
- Shaun: Where's safe? Where's familiar?
- Ed: Where can I smoke?
- [Shaun and Ed pause then slowly make a realisation]
- Shaun: [cuts to dream sequence a third time] Take car. Go to Mum's. Kill Phil - "Sorry." - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold?
- Ed: Yeah, boyyyeee!
- [Shaun and Ed clang their weapons together]
- Barbara: [over the phone] Some men tried to get into the house.
- Shaun: Well are they still there?
- Barbara: [over the phone] I'm not sure, we've shut the curtains.
- Shaun: Did you try the police?
- Barbara: [over the phone] Well I thought about it.
- Shaun: Are you OK? Did they hurt you?
- Barbara: [over the phone] No I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Shaun: Mum...
- Barbara: [over the phone] Well they were a bit... bitey.
- Shaun: [concerned] Mum, have you been bitten?
- Barbara: [over the phone] No... But Philip has.
- Shaun: [calmly] Oh, OK.
- Ed: Has she been bitten?
- Shaun: [to Ed] No, Philip has.
- Ed: [calmly] Oh, OK.
- Shaun: Listen, Mum, what sort of state is he in?
- Barbara: [over the phone] Oh, he's fine. Bit under the weather.
- Shaun: I see.
- Ed: What's the deal?
- Shaun: [to Ed] We may have to kill my step-dad.
- [describing the zombies]
- Dianne: Just look at the face: it's vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet.
- Shaun: [about Ed] I've known him since primary school, you know? I like having him around, he's a laugh.
- Pete: What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo!
- Shaun: Oh, leave him alone.
- Pete: All right, I admit, he can pretty funny on occasion. Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple Schnappes and playing Tekken 2.
- Shaun: Oh yeah.
- [laughing]
- Shaun: When was that?
- Pete: [laughing] That was five years ago. When's he going home?
- [Shaun and Ed back up to the body of a man they've just hit and Shaun rolls down his window]
- Shaun: Are you all right?
- Ed: Come on, let's just go.
- Shaun: Hello?
- Ed: He's going to be dead either way.
- Shaun: Ed, that's not the point!
- [the body rises and moans, zombified, at Shaun and Ed]
- Shaun: Oh, thank God for that.
- Shaun: Look, I don't care what the telly says, all right? We *have* to get out of here. If we don't they'll tear us to pieces, and that is really going to exacerbate things for all of us.
- Shaun: Well maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves.
- Liz: Oh maybe you should do me, I'll only muck it up if I have to do myself.
- [Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then himself, to see how it feels]
- Shaun: You know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same night.
- Liz: [pauses] What makes you think I'd have taken you back?
- Shaun: Well... You don't want to die single do you?
- Ed: [interrupting] That's it. I would like to be shot.
- Shaun: Besides, I've changed. I haven't had a fag since yesterday, I promise!
- Ed: He hasn't!
- Shaun: Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me?
- Barbara: Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with.
- Shaun: Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood!
- Barbara: Well you did call him a you-know-what!
- Shaun: Oh what, did he tell you that?
- Barbara: Yes he did.
- Shaun: Motherfucker!
- Barbara: Shaun!
- Shaun: Sorry mother... mum!
- Shaun: Did you know that on several occasions... he touched me?
- [long pause, then Barbara turns to look at Shaun]
- Shaun: That wasn't true. Made it up. Shouldn't have done. Sorry.
- Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.
- Shaun: Oh, don't, man.
- Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with clichés. But what I will say is this?
- [chuckling]
- Ed: It's not the end of the world.
- Shaun: Pete? Pete?
- Ed: Why don't we just go up?
- Shaun: No. No. Wait. No. No! Don't go up there!
- Ed: Why not?
- Shaun: Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed. Pete? Maybe he went into work.
- Ed: Well, how come he didn't drive? His keys are still here.
- Shaun: Well, maybe he got a lift; he said he wasn't feeling very well. Pete?
- Ed: OI, PRICK!
- [There is a pause]
- Shaun, Ed: [together] He's not in.
- [Shaun hands Liz a bunch of flowers]
- Shaun: Got you these.
- [Liz reads the label]
- Liz: "To a wonderful mum"?
- Shaun: [sniggers] Oooh! Yeah, that's, because... I thought, it would be, funny, because of what you said last night about me y'know, don't wanna be my mum and that. It's just a little joke, just sort of spur of the moment...
- [long pause]
- Liz: They're for your mum, aren't they?
- Shaun: Yeah.
- Liz: Smooth.
- Jeremy Thompson - Newsreader: To recap, it is *vital* that you stay in your homes. Make no attempt to reach loved ones, and avoid all physical contact with the assailants.
- Ed: Do you believe everything you hear on TV?
- [last lines]
- Videogame Voice: Player two has entered the game.
- [Ed, now a zombie, tries to bite Shaun]
- Shaun: Ed!
- Ed: [groans]
- [Shaun sits down next to Ed, who's playing a videogame, and presses a button on the controller]
- Videogame Voice: Player 2 has entered the game.
- Ed: Don't you have work?
- [Shaun presses a button again and gets up]
- Videogame Voice: Player 2 has left the game.
- Dianne: I don't think he'd leave us, Davs.
- David: Wouldn't he? Lizzy, how can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable? A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing? It's... This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do now?
- Ed: We could get a round in.
- [after Philip has been bitten]
- Philip: You didn't call the doctor, did you?
- Barbara: Well, I thought we ought to be on the safe side.
- Philip: I'm quite all right, Barbara, I ran it under a cold tap.
- Barbara: I really think...
- Philip: We had our jabs when we went to the Isle of Wight.
- Barbara: But Philip...
- Philip: It's a lot of overblown nonsense, a lot of drug nuts running wild.
- [while he is disguised as a zombie, Ed's phone rings and he answers it]
- [others look horrified]
- Ed: Two seconds!
- [he chats on his phone until Shaun knocks it out of his hand]
- Ed: Oi! What are you doing?
- Shaun: [shouts] What am I doing? What are you doing, you stupid moron?
- Ed: Fuck off!
- Shaun: [shouts] You fuck off! Fuck fucking off! I've spent... look at me! I've spent my entire life sticking my neck out for you and all you ever do is fuck things up! Fuck things up and make me look stupid! Well, I'm not going to let you do it any more. OK? Not today!
- Liz: Shaun!
- Shaun: What?
- [sees the hundreds of zombies staring at them]
- Shaun: Oh.