- Scott: I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!
- Cooper: Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact: You made out with your sister, man!
- [unrated DVD version]
- [excerpts seen during original version credits]
- Hostel Clerk: Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel. We feature one medium sized room containing 70 beds which can sleep up to 375 bodies a night. There is no bathroom. Nor is there one nearby. If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables. In your anus. This will deter some but of course not all thieves. Once you are inside, the doors are chained and locked from the outside. They will not be opened again until morning, no matter what. Should a fire occur due to our faulty wiring or, uh, the fireworks factory upstairs you will be incinerated along with the valuables that you have hidden in your anus. Tips are greatly appreciated.
- Scott: Let me handle this, I speak better German. Hello!
- Truck Driver: Hello!
- Scott: [in German] My German is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.
- Truck Driver: [in German] German! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in three days and I am wired on schnapps, benzedrine, and those little chocolate covered peanuts.
- Cooper: What did he say?
- Scott: He said he's driving, something...
- Scott: [in German] Do you know where is Berlin?
- Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.
- Scott: Berlin!
- Truck Driver: [in German] Berlin! I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin.
- Scott: He's going to Berlin.
- Jamie: Awesome.
- Truck Driver: [in German] Nowhere near Berlin.
- Scott: All right, come on, let's go.
- [the group get in the back of the truck]
- Truck Driver: [to self, in German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.
- Madame Vandersexxx: [Screams] On, on, VANDERSEXXX!
- [the sexy ladies leave while the room is transformed into a BDSM lair and Madame is revealed as a domanitrix]
- Madame Vandersexxx: Hans, Gruber!
- [Hans and Gruber, Madame's goons, step into the room]
- Cooper: [nervously] Hi. So, are the girls coming back?
- Madame Vandersexxx: Administer the testicle clamps!
- Cooper: [grows fearful; Cooper's jeans are ripped off] Huh? What? Hey!
- [the boys prepare to torture Cooper as Madame smiles and watches]
- Cooper: [panics as he pulls out the paper with the "safe word", but mispronounces it] Safe word! What is that? That's not a word! That's a - "Fluggen-kliggin-kien"?
- Waiter: [Scottie tosses the waiter a nickel] Ah! A nickel!
- [waiter shows his manager]
- Waiter: You see this?
- [slaps the manager]
- Waiter: I quit. I open my own hotel.
- [Creepy Italian Guy massages Jamie's shoulders]
- Jamie: What-what the hell are you doing?
- Creepy Italian Guy: Oh, scuzi, mi scuzi.
- [massages harder]
- [after taking a drink of Absinthe]
- Jamie: I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.
- Cooper: Me neither.
- Scott: Sober as a judge.
- [to a hallucinatory green fairy]
- Scott: How about you?
- Green Fairy: I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!
- Madame Vandersexxx: Welcome to Club Vandersexxx, Amsterdam's most erotic club. Where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.
- Cooper: Also, says I get a free t-shirt with the flyer.
- Madame Vandersexxx: He is American. How sad for you to grow up in a country that was founded by prudes. A country over run with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.
- Cooper: It was horrible.
- Madame Vandersexxx: I know, but you can come with me and let the Vandersexxx begin.
- Cooper: You know America was founded by prudes. Prudes who left Europe because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright... which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.
- Scott: You've really thaught a lot about this, haven't you?
- Cooper: It's my passion!
- Scott: I'm in love with my pen pal! I'm in love with Mike!
- Cooper: Okay, okay. You know what? I was actually expecting this. And frankly, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause, eh, I think they already know.
- Scott: No, you idiot, Mike is a girl!
- Cooper: No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Right, right? That's hot. But, you know, whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.
- Scott: Uh-oh.
- Jamie: What?
- Scott: Big tunnel.
- Creepy Italian Guy: [grins maniacally as the train drives into darkness]
- Jamie: [in the commotion] Scotty, is that you? WHO'S TOUCHING ME?
- Cooper: [in London, answers his cell phone] Cooper here. Hello Mr. Walters. Uh, yes sir, I'm down in file storage. Oh, just hang on one second.
- [lowers phone, picks teeth, puts phone back to ear]
- Cooper: No, sir, I can't find the Goodwin file anywhere. Yes sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.
- [hangs up]
- Scott: You didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?
- Cooper: They would have stopped paying me. Seemed easier.
- [outtake during credits]
- Mad Maynard: Fuck off! Get out of it, you wankers! Go on, you Gallic fucking garlic-breath tossers! Piss off! Get in here and say that, mate! Come on! Fucking come and have it! You fucking beep? We'll beep, you bastard, all over your fucking nose! Fuck off! Go on, you French bastards! Get on the other side of the road, you pricks! Go on out of it! Fuck off! I'm knackered.
- Swiss Guard: [thinking Cooper is retarded] Have a very special day for a very special little man!
- [winks]
- Mad Maynard: If you're Manchester United supporters, sing the Manchester United song.
- Scott: Excuse me? I'm sorry. I'm not much of a singer...
- Mad Maynard: [slams a beer bottle on the floor] Sing!
- Scott: [sings] My baby takes the mornin' train. / He works from nine to five and then / he takes another home again to find me... watching the Manchester United Football Team! Ah? The best freakin' team in all the land! Woo hoo!
- Cooper: What's the etiquette on boners? Do I role over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?
- [Scott's e-mail alert sound]
- Computer voice: Mail, mothafucka!
- Cooper: Can we please just get out of here, this guy's really creeping me out.
- Scott: Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.
- Cooper: Hey, I really don't like him.
- Scott: Why, just because he's doing this?
- [starts acting like a robot making robot noises]
- Cooper: Seriously, don't do that.
- Scott: [in a robot voice] Cooper, do not hate me. I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get...
- [Robot noises]
- Scott: Freaky.
- Mad Maynard: I've just about had enough of you fuckin' ities!
- Vatican Guard: But I am Swiss!
- Mad Maynard: Them, too!
- [Cooper, in serious pain and humiliated from last night's BDSM "living nightmare", arrives to see both Scott and Jenny sitting on the bench and also humiliated from the incident at a bakery]
- Scott: What did you do last night?
- Cooper: I don't wanna talk about it. What did you guys do?
- Scott, Jenny: Don't wanna talk about it.
- Scott: [notices the Vandersexxx t-shirt] What is that?
- Cooper: Free t-shirt.