Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

I feel betrayed. Here we have Jesus Christ engaging in martial arts combat. With vampires. Lesbian vampires. While teaming with El Santo. How can you miss!? Well, you can miss when you have no talent to back the thing up. The acting just hurt, the fight scenes were slow and dully choreographed, and the rendition of Santo was just depressing. It shows that some times a small budget can really hurt a movie.

The pacing is terrible--there is no sense of urgency at all and many actions aren't explained at all. Like I said, the plot is fantastic, I could barely contain my excitement, and yet it somehow managed to do everything wrong. I'm so sorry to give this movie a bad review, but I have to say it's only worth it for the morbidly curious.

In JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER, those pesky bloodsuckers are up to their toothsome troublemaking once more. Thus, causing a severe lesbian shortage! Thankfully, Jesus (Phil Caracas) is nearby, and the battle is enjoined. Let the kung fu of righteousness begin!

Sporting a new, shorter hairdo, and a zip in his step, JCVH takes on the nefarious ne'er-do-wells of the night... and day! With an assist from Mary Magnum (Maria Moulton), the Savior cops some new threads and hits the street on Mary's two-wheeled mercy machine. The non-denominational duo soon discovers the lair of the eeevil Dr. Praetorious (Josh Grace) and his villainous vampire cohorts, Johnny Golgotha (Ian Driscoll) and Maxine Schreck (Murielle Varhelyi). Can these terrible, plasma-drinking tosspots possibly be defeated, before implementing their ultimate plan?

Enter Santos (Jeff Moffet), the marvelously masked, Mexican wrestler of miracles! Together, these soldiers of goodness shall certainly prevail! Behold! The Jesus drum solo / bar room, vampire slaughter fest! Witness! The junkyard tag team, all-out catastrophic karate, gut-slinging, pile-driving, soul-saving, car-hopping, heart-munching, undead-sizzling finale to end all finales! Hallelujah! Let! Us!! Pray!!!

P.S.- Fear not. Nothing serious lies herein...

This certainly was a B movie, you can tell that the budget was very small. It is quite surprising what they managed to accomplish with so little. I find it ironic that many of the blockbuster Hollywood pushes out these days are almost unwatchable despite huge multi million dollar budgets. I would say that before watching this movie I probably couldn't have named a B movie, but I'm glad I saw this one. The special effects and fighting are pretty terrible but, that gives it a lot of it's charm and makes for a really funny watch. I guess it could depend on your sense of humor but, I thought it was a really funny movie, well worth watching at least once.

Cheerfully cheap and good naturedly blasphemous, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is blessed with a once in a lifetime title which makes it irresistible. It is also the first feature-length film by Lee Demarbre, a Canadian director and stars his favourite actor-friend: Phil Caracas, the lead of the director's previous two shorter works, based around the character 'Harry Knuckles'. Caracas has since appeared in a more diffuse second feature by Demarbre, the cunningly named Harry Knuckles And The Pearl Necklace (2004), and presumably will also be seen in his upcoming 'Black Kissinger'.

Described as a "kung-fu action / comedy / horror / musical about the second coming" Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter delivers in varying degrees on all these points, with the good Lord punching out, and then staking out, vampires, this while making with biblical wit, coping with gory attacks from body parts as well as finding time for the odd musical number. The film starts with a rising babble of voices, "Are you there, God? Give me a sign! Let me know you care!" - to which the following narrative provides a playful answer: yes He is there, out drop kicking evil doers, in holy robes, socks and trainers on the dangerous streets of Ottawa. Not before an intro from a bearded prophet though, (unnamed but with echoes of John The Baptist) who draws our attention to the significance of what we will shortly behold, an attempt to fill "the empty house of the soul." Exactly what the prophet has in mind by way of further enlightenment is vague, but without further ado we are plunged into the first vampire attack. In modern times vampires have come on apace since their more traditional forebears, and can now venture out in the daylight. Just as important is the fact that, in this film at least, they only seek out fellow lesbians.

Naturally, this scourge alarms the church, and two clerics are dispatched to fetch the only man who can save the situation - Jesus Christ, found in characteristic baptismal pose at the seashore. Shortly after the Lord offers them refreshment in an exchange recalling loaves and fishes ("Lemonade?" / "Will there be enough?" / "Oh there will be plenty"), lesbian vampires attack them. A first bout of kung fu ensues and Jesus duly shows his mettle. After this temporary setback, and to a books-of-the-Bible countdown, the Lord promptly climbs aboard his scooter and heads back to the city for a haircut, ear piercing, change of clothes and to challenge the forces of evil. Soon he sings a song, in echo of the original entry into Jerusalem (here on a skateboard), encounters his first helper - the curvaceous Mary Magnum, and hears the voice of God speaking from a bowl of cherry ice cream...

Filmed an a minuscule budget, and designed as a gentle parody rather than anything more offensive, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter largely succeeds because of the brisk editing, novelty of conception and the unpretentious involvement of all concerned. No one will pretend that the acting is anything but than rudimentary or that action scenes are not roughly choreographed. But the fun is the thing. Evil in Ottawa eventually takes many forms, including bloody criminal mastermind Johnny Golgotha, the dreaded 'kung-fu atheists' and bars full of vampires - variables dictated one suspects by the pool of talent on hand during any given day. Demarbre has a weakness for martial arts and in themselves Jesus' fights, being just that little bit slow and off the mark, are amusing spoofs of more sophisticated action films. With this challenge in mind, perhaps sensing that the Lord needs some support in the second half, writer-director Demarbre has Christ call on an ally, the famous Mexican wrestling legend Santo (well, okay, not the real celebrity, just a fat guy in a mask). One standout scene features the two, battling vampires in the aptly named Dominion bar. Taking place just after a less than inspirational performance by entertainer Blind Johnny Leper, this battle utilises such disparate items as crutches, billiard cues, and even cocktail sticks as stakes necessary to finish the job.

Foes eventually defeated, Jesus of course confirms matters with a sermon, that "it's the message that's the point, not the messenger" and indeed this salient point might well underline much of the film's success. That one doesn't need an officially approved Christ to make moral points about coping with evil... or, come to that, a hundred million dollars and CGI to make an entertaining movie. (See also: UltraChrist if you liked this one)

JCVH is possibly one of the greatest examples of great movies that suck. JCVH is an awesome movie for this reason. True fans of film and people who have been at the bottom of the game understand what a hassle it can be to work without a budget. This film has some of the cheesiest effects that i've seen, but that is where it scores it's major points. With it's unbelievable amount of originality it's hard to understand how anyone could not want to see this movie. Most cynical reviewers will attack it's lack of 5 star acting, or it's lack of big budget effects, but the true deciding factor in a real fan of cinema's eyes is heart. This movie was scrounged together (For those of you who actually took the time to watch the special features on the DVD) and yet it was a huge favorite at many a film festival. This movie deserve much more credit that it is given, and I am going to see that it gets it.