- Mitch Martin: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...
- Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
- Beanie: Why in front of the kid? With the F-ing? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him. "Earmuffs". Then you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch", whatever you want.
- Frank: Cock. Balls.
- Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.
- Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?
- Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.
- Frank: [after funneling a beer] Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!
- Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
- College Student: A big day? Doing what?
- Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
- Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.
- Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think, well, maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? What, I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?
- Peppers: She's a beauty, ain't she?
- Frank: Yeah, what kind of gun is this?
- Peppers: It's a tranquilizer gun. If any of these little fuckers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain't that right?
- [yank's on the mule's reigns]
- Peppers: Oh, what? That's what I thought. Shut up.
- Frank: [Frank cocks the gun]
- Peppers: Hey, hey. Careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico.
- Frank: Cool.
- Peppers: Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from...
- [Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart]
- Peppers: YES! That's awesome!
- Frank: What?
- Peppers: You just took one in the jugular, man.
- Frank: What? I did.
- [feeling his neck]
- Peppers: YES!
- Frank: Oh, my God. Is this bad? Is this bad?
- Peppers: You better pull that shit out, man. That shit is not cool.
- Frank: Wait. What? Pull what out?
- Peppers: You got a fucking dart in your neck, man.
- Frank: [laughing] You're... you're crazy, man. I like you, but you're crazy.
- Weensie: [after learning he's going to be expelled] Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me.
- Mitch: C'mon, she's not gonna kill you.
- Weensie: Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife.
- Dean Pritchard: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, the co-host of CNN's Crossfire, famed political consultant, the raging Cajun, Mr. James Carville.
- James Carville: Thank you, Thank you, Dean Pritchard. It's an honor and a pleasure to be here, sir.
- Dean Pritchard: Topic number one. What is your position on the role of government in supporting innovation in the field of biotechnology?
- James Carville: Well, Dean, I'm, I'm glad that you asked that question...
- Frank: Uhhh... Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, If you don't mind.
- James Carville: Have at it, Hoss.
- Frank: [Frank takes a drink of water, makes a funny face and grunts] Recent research has shown that empirical evidence for globalization of corporate innovation is very limited and as a corollary the market for technologies is shrinking. As a world leader, it's important for America to provide systematic research grants for our scientists. I believe strongly there will always be a need for us to have a well-articulated innovation policy with emphasis on human resource development. Thank you.
- [Frank grunts, makes a face and goes limp; audience applauds]
- Frank: What happened? I blacked out
- Dean Pritchard: That was interesting. ha ha. Thank you very much. And, uh, your rebuttal? Mr. Carville.
- James Carville: Oh... It... We... have no response. That was perfect.
- Frank: That's the way you do it! That's the way you debate!
- Mitch: Wow. Cheese. Is that you?
- Dean Pritchard: Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.
- Beanie: Who's this guy?
- Mitch: Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother?
- Dean Pritchard: Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard.
- Beanie: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?
- Dean Pritchard: Yea, I got out.
- Beanie: Cool man. Good. Glad you did.
- Beanie: Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three-and-a-half-million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. Tou think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.
- Beanie: Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.
- Marissa: [after seeing Frank running naked along the streets, she slows down her car] Frank, what are you doing?
- Frank: [out of breath] We're... We're going streaking! We're going up the quad and to the gymnasium.
- Marissa: Who is?
- Frank: Th... W... There's more coming.
- Marissa: Frank, get in the car.
- Frank: But... everybody's doing it.
- Marissa: Frank! Now!
- Frank: [still out of breath] Ok.
- Beanie: I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini-bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg.
- Woman: [holding a grocery bag] What's going on?
- Frank: You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll have him home by tonight. Okay, sweetie.
- [reaches into the grocery bag and takes out cheese balls]
- Beanie: [after finding out that it's in the bylaw that the only way to keep the fraternity is take a course of tests but Beanie does not want to do it] Who'se lives are ruined?
- Mitch Martin: Well, see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And now we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school, and you're not even gonna help them.
- Beanie: Because this is a very big idea, my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and, more importantly, age have bearing whatsoever.
- Frank: You know I was thinking we could go back home... have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD... no? Weren't thinking that? Ok.
- Beanie: Spanish, what the hell are you doing?
- Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo.
- Beanie: Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids.
- Spanish: You're right, I'm sorry, sir.
- Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.
- Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: The secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of 10 years or just some hot sailor you met at TJI Fridays a couple of months ago who never did call me back but did leave me with a little something called herpes... which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there. Grab your vegetables!
- Wedding Singer: [singing] Fuckin' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I fuckin' need you more than ever.
- Beanie: You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen-year-old girls everyday?
- Marissa: Just as long as you promise to take it easy.
- Frank: What do you mean?
- Marissa: You know exactly what I mean. You've come a long way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back, do we?
- Frank: Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, OK? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise.
- Beanie: Guys, this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away.
- Beanie: Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly, you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over...
- [to Max]
- Beanie: Max, can you earmuff it for me?
- [to Mitch]
- Beanie: That whore you dated.
- Frank: In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski.
- Beanie: All right, let me be the first to say congratulations to then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.