- Shadowy Figure: Listen, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet, but that riot was unacceptable.
- Scudworth: Unacceptable? Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch!
- JFK: Do you mind? Some of us are trying to nail Catherine the Great here... Or should I say Catherine the So-So?
- Gandhi: "Black and Tan"! High five, racial pride!
- George Washington Carver: I don't like those movies, Mahatma. They're full of bad dialogue, contrived plot twists and they perpetuate racial stereotypes.
- [throws a ball of paper towards the garbage, misses]
- Abe: I'll sleep when I die...
- Joan of Arc: You'll die if you don't sleep.
- Gandhi: Abe, remember how excited I was to see the movie "American Pie" that I didn't sleep the night before? And remember that scene where the guy has sex with the pie? Well, I don't. Because I fell asleep in the theatre.
- [dramatic pause]
- Abe: Why don't you just rent it?
- [Gandhi runs out of the room]
- JFK: Ask not what your student body president can do for you... Ask what you can do to your student body president's body.
- Shadowy Figure: [menacing] I think this is an issue we should talk about... in person.
- Scudworth: [excited] Maybe we could have dinner. Perhaps the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!
- Mr. Butlertron: I'm sorry, Wesley, you have ADD.
- Gandhi: Am I... dying?
- Mr. Butlertron: No, you have ADD - Attention deficit disorder, also you have ADHD, its hyperactive cousin.
- Scudworth: Once I transplant these brainwave transmitters into the clones brains I will be able to see and hear everything they taste and smell.
- Mr. Butlertron: What would the real Joan of Arc have done?
- Joan of Arc: She would have stood up and told them how she felt. Then she would have been burned at the stake. But what are the chances of that happening again? He, he.
- Mr. Butlertron: Thirty-eight percent.
- Joan of Arc: Jesús Cristo, do you know the story of Joan of Arc?
- Jesús Cristo: Yeah I saw the movie when it was out on DVD, homes! She's like 16, right, and then God told her to make da Frenchies fight the Englishes you know people dat drink tea all da time and have big teeth? And then people started getting mad because she was hearing voices and then at the end she got burned at the stake, pretty good I give it thumbs up, homes!
- Joan of Arc: Basically. I've never been able to live up to her, and that's why instead, I became a cynical, angst-ridden goth girl, but now I'm hearing voices! Religious voices!
- Jesús Cristo: Damn. Wait, did they tell you who going to win the Latin Grammys. If it's Ricky Martin, don't tell me, don't tell me. It's Ricky Martin, huh?
- Joan of Arc: This is totally freaking me out!
- Jesús Cristo: Hey, take a hit, relax! God's message can be a total trip. But ya know you gotta do what he tells you eh, because God has a plan for all of us. A painful, painful plan.
- Glenn the Janitor: Hi, I'm Glenn. I'm the school janitor. Ponce was like a son to me, probably because he was my foster son. My dead foster son.
- [sob]
- Glenn the Janitor: Son, I just want you to know...
- Scudworth: Oh janitor, some kid vomited in the hallway. Could you make with the sawdust and clean it up.
- Glenn the Janitor: Ah yeah, but I'm kinda giving my son's eulogy right now.
- Scudworth: Doo yeah. If you could just do it now. Your son will still be dead when you get back.
- Mr. Butlertron: Are you A: handsome; B: smart; C: scrap metal; or D: all of the above?
- Scangrade: That's easy! I'm A and B. But not C... So I can't be all of the above, but... you can't fill in two ovals! Noooooooo!
- [explodes]
- Mr. Butlertron: The answer is C... you fuckwad.
- Tom Green: So some of you may have been mean to a kid with ADD. That's not cool. Coffee? Anyone for - coffee anyone? All right, sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips. It's a Ferris wheel. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag.
- [sitting at a table booth with some ladies]
- JFK: This is a very tough time for me, without Cleo I'm a broken man. Hey, let's all go swimming in my pool, and by pool I mean bath tub, and by swimming, I mean *sex*.
- [Principal Scudworth is seeking funding for his evil side-project, "Cloney Island"]
- Mr. Butlertron: Perhaps you could get Clone High a corporate sponsor. Those Pumas were rather fresh.
- Scudworth: Sell out? And turn the school into some profit-hungry corporation? (Beat) Why, that idea's as foolish as getting new brakes from anywhere but Midas.
- Joan of Arc: Abe, I'm so mad at you I could kiss you!
- Abe: What did you say, Joan?
- Joan of Arc: I said, I'm so mad at you I could piss glue.
- Abe: Really? It sounded like you said "I could kiss you."
- Joan of Arc: No, I said: "I could piss glue." It's a very common expression.
- Joan of Arc: Are you trying suffocate me?
- Cleopatra: I'm sorry I didn't see you there. You're so flat chested.
- [Joan slams Cleo's head into the wall]
- Joan of Arc: Choose your pillow because it is ON.
- Talking Peanut: Sorry my boy Salty Seconds hahahaha
- [Ok rank:5975 submissions:918]
- Announcer: Next time on a very special clone high, Will Abe and Joans student films reveal their true feelings for one other? How will Scudworth get himself out of another dangerous pickle? And what will become of Gandhi? I'd tell you but I haven't seen the episode yet, they were supposed to send it to me but there's this guy at work who totally hates me, if he gets me fired I'm going to kill his dog...
- Scangrade: Behold. I am SCANGRADE.
- Shadowy figure: Yes, after 50 years of standardized testing his power will be so great he'll...
- Scangrade: Take over the world. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
- Mr. Butlertron: Oh yeah what a great (beep)cking ideeeeeeeeeea.
- Scudworth: Mr. B. Language.
- Mr. Sheepman: Now, let's talk about yesterday's horrifying shenanigans and feel free to say anything, 'cause today I'm going to be your *care-iff*. You see... Okay, moving on. I know teenagers have an awful lot of confusing feelings, but today it is *unlawful* to bottle 'em up. You gotta *let 'em out!*... like I do, every night between 10 and 10:15, on a pillow shaped like my father... So let's brainstorm some constructive ways we can express ourselves.
- Gandhi: That's a nice stun gun Joan.
- [Joan zaps him]
- Joan of Arc: Teen crisis hotline. We're here because we care.
- Joan of Arc: [Referring to Cleo's bra] Why don't you just take the tissues out and it'll fall off?
- Cleopatra: [Gasps] You signed a nondisclosure agreement! I hope you have good lawyers, because I'm gonna sue your hand-me-down pants off, creature trash!
- Abe: Girls, girls, girls! You're both human beings. You both put your bras on one-leg-at-a-time.
- Krabby Cakes: You've got crabs, ass-face.
- Chris Berman: The odd thing is, my microphone isn't even plugged in.
- Dan Patrick: That's nothing. I've been talking into my fist for the last five minutes.
- Martin Luther King Jr.: I had a dream, a dream we had ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch. But Moses, you are shattering my dream.
- Moses: But Martin Luther King Jr., you know I'm a Jew, and also lactose intolerant.
- Gandhi: Snowflake Jake, this holiday's mascot, will come to my house and bring me spices upon spices.
- Joan of Arc: Oh joyous day.
- Snowflake Jake: Now, go empty me chum-bucket, it's startin' to smell like a day-old hooker.
- Joan of Arc: I hate you, you nasty crap-eating monkey.
- Scudworth: Real mature, Mr. Jerkatron.
- Mr. Butlertron: Oh Wesley. At least I'm not a pompous china dog whose evil plans suck the devils ASS. That's right WESLEY. Find yourself a new best FRIEND.
- Abe: Cleo sort of wants to... but I just don't know if I'm ready.
- Abe's Foster Dad: Well, foster son, over half of high school students nation-wide have chosen abstinence, which is a good choice. But, they're not dating Cleo-friggin-patra! Have you seen that girl's ass? It's built like the Space Shuttle! Oh, this could be your only chance to drown the slippery otter! To harpoon the salty longshoreman! To verb the adjective noun!... But abstinence is a good choice as well.