- Abby: It's... Charlie.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: [Obliviously] Sheen? I thought he straightened out?
- Abby: Not that Charlie.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: My Charlie? My son Charlie? He's on the Naughty list? There's gotta be a mistake.
- Lucy: Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus?
- Scott Calvin: What makes you say that?
- Lucy: Because you have a reindeer.
- Scott Calvin: Lots of people have reindeer.
- Lucy: Name five.
- Bernard: OK, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll?
- Principal Carol Newman: Chet?
- Bernard: Yeah. He's still in training.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: How much flight time has he had?
- Bernard: About a minute and a half.
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Yeah but he's had a lotta crash time.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Curtis.
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: He's just a baby.
- Principal Carol Newman: Well, maybe if you spent more time with your son, there would be fewer problems.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Maybe, but then I wouldn't get to spend more time with you. It's always such a pleasure.
- Principal Carol Newman: Oh, a battle of wits. It's a shame that you come unarmed.
- Lucy: [opening the door to see Curtis] Are you an elf?
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Why, no, of course not.
- Lucy: Then why do you have pointy ears?
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Because I didn't eat my green vegetables. Do you eat your green vegetables?
- Lucy: [covers her ears] Uncle Scott!
- Bernard: Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa! He's a toy! He has a rubber face and a plastic tushie!
- Scott Calvin: Wait a minute, I got it. I got it. I got it. How about this: The Molintator.
- Tooth Fairy: The Molinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Molinator?
- Scott Calvin: [Going on a date] A needlepoint sweater and a mini-van. I'll be back in about eight minutes.
- Picardo: Good morning, Principal Newman.
- Principal Carol Newman: Mr. Picardo, I want you to look into my eyes. What do you see?
- Picardo: It's dark... and it's cold.
- Principal Carol Newman: It's your future, Mr. Picardo. Keep this up, and you will spend the rest of your life stabbing trash by the highway. Do I make myself clear?
- Picardo: Yes.
- Principal Carol Newman: So what are you gonna do?
- Picardo: I'm going straight to third period geometry.
- Principal Carol Newman: Have a nice trip.
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Well, I think he's learning at an excellent rate!
- Bernard: Oh really? This morning, he ate a bowl of wax fruit.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Why didn't Bernard come tell me this?
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: He's under house arrest!
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: [shocked] Bernard?
- Principal Carol Newman: I owe you one.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: It's a great party. Look. That guy moved.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Hey party animal, you wanna play?
- Principal Carol Newman: [wondering how toys like Toss Across have magically appeared] I just can't figure it out.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: It's tic-tac-toe with beanbags.
- Principal Carol Newman: No, I mean the Secret Santa thing. Someone tracked down and bought all those wonderful antique toys.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Probably someone that knows his way around eBay.
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: A little altitude please!
- Tooth Fairy: What?
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Could you possibly fly a *little* higher?
- Tooth Fairy: What?
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Never mind.
- Charlie: [to Scott] My friends get to go around saying, "my dad's a plumber", "my dad's a pilot", "my dad's a dentist". You know what? My dad is the best thing of all and I can't tell anyone about it.
- Tracy: You know what, I totally put myself out there doing that, and that was not an easy thing to do, and if you're the kind of man that can't support a woman's ambition, then I don't think there's any reason to continue this date.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Hey Cupid, why don't you shoot me with one of your darts and then I'll fall in love?
- Cupid: First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Why not?
- Cupid: Because they have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would've shot myself in the butt, met a nice girl, left the business years ago.
- Lucy: How come you have pointy ears?
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: It's because I never ate my green vegetables.
- [Leans closer]
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Do you eat your green vegetables?
- [Lucy puts her hands to her own ears]
- Lucy: [wailing] Uncle Scott!
- Principal Carol Newman: I want you to look into my eyes. What do you see?
- Skateboarding Student: It's dark... and cold.
- [talking about the new Toy Santa]
- Bernard: So I caution you all not to point, or stare, or use the word plastic!
- Elf Quarterback: Ready, set! Seven swans-a-swimming! Six geese-a-laying!
- Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Five golden rings!
- Elf Quarterback: HIKE!
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: [indicating a faulty toy kangaroo] Alexander, let's think. Take the hat off.
- [Alexander removes hat, kangaroo hops easily]
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Too much counterweight.
- Elf with Kangaroo: Thanks, Santa - you're the man.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: That's why they gave me the big belly, so I don't fall over.
- [laughs]
- [the elves are being confronted by the toy soldiers in the courtyard]
- Bernard: [to elves] Snowballs on the count of three! One!
- [the elves drop to their knees and make snowballs]
- Bernard: Two!
- [elves aim their snowballs]
- Bernard: THREE!
- [Bernard and the elves throw their snowballs at the toy soldiers like crazy]
- Toy Santa: [while reading the contents of handbook of rules] Wait a minute. I need the naughty and nice list.
- Bernard: Nope.
- Toy Santa: Oh yes, yes, it says I'm supposed to check it twice.
- Bernard: Santa already checked it!
- Toy Santa: No, I didn't.
- Bernard: The real Santa.
- Toy Santa: I am the REAL Santa!
- Bernard: Sorry?
- Toy Santa: I'm in charge here!
- Bernard: WHAT?
- Toy Santa: I check the list twice. That's the rule. I like the rules. I think you're aware of how I feel about that.
- Bernard: I think you're misunderstanding something.
- Toy Santa: No, no, I'm a rule maker. I like the rules. Santa likes the rules.
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: [after he flies Scott and Curtis back to the North Pole] You should be proud of your wings.
- Tooth Fairy: They're not too girly?
- Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Not on you.
- [first lines]
- C-130 Pilot: I'm gettin' somethin' on the sonar!
- Engineer: What is it?
- C-130 Pilot: Strong reading from underneath the cap rock, sir!