- Dr. Cox: [to J.D] Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
- Turk: Who are these guys?
- J.D.: These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say "*Crap*, I've gotta go." And you'll go "*Damn*, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread.
- Turk: When do you find time to see your patients?
- J.D.: Between these thoughts.
- Paul Flowers: Sometimes it feels like you're holding back.
- Elliot: Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane you idiot. Remember the other day when you told me I had pit-stains, well I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germ-phobic, phobia-phobic. I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and, yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves I almost killed the guy who's leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks. Why a box of steaks? 'Cos my Dad had an affair with a female butcher and, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?
- Dr. Cox: Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?
- Carla: I said 'It's so good it's like crack'.
- [nurses stare]
- Dr. Cox: Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was.
- Carla: So what I'm not funny?
- Dr. Cox: I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...
- Turk: Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do
- Dr. Cox: Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
- [flash to Cox as the maid]
- Dr. Cox: Am I right?
- [cut back]
- Dr. Cox: Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern...
- Snoop Dogg Intern: Yo!
- Dr. Cox: Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
- Ted: I am?
- Dr. Cox: Yes
- Ted: Awwwww!
- Dr. Cox: And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T
- [points pinky and makes sipping motion]
- Dr. Cox: . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says.
- Dr. Kelso: Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke.
- Dr. Cox: The point is *PLEASE* don't tell anymore jokes.
- Ted: I'm not really a sad sack?
- Carla: Ted your pen exploded.
- Ted: [looks at shirt] Awww!
- [realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head]
- Ted: AWWWW MAN!
- Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?
- Dr. Cox: Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks.
- Carla: Christopher!
- Chris Turk: Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex... Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
- Carla: Sometimes.
- Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.
- [shot of J.D and Elliot facing each other... Elliot walks away with neither of them saying a word]
- [Dr. Cox has been berating people after learning that his girlfriend slept with most of doctors to sell medicine]
- Dr. Cox: I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
- Carla: Please! What about all the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
- Dr. Cox: Would you please get off my ex-wife?
- Carla: I will if you will.
- [Cox breaks down laughing]
- Dr. Cox: Well... dammit! Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.
- J.D.: Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is bitch about your relationships all day long.
- [to Dr. Cox]
- J.D.: And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE.
- [to Carla and Turk]
- J.D.: And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it?
- [to Elliot]
- J.D.: And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are.
- [JD storms out of the cafeteria, passing Nurse Roberts]
- Nurse Roberts: Did I miss something good?
- Carla: Well?
- Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?
- Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?
- Jordan: That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night.
- Carla: Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?
- Jordan: Again, last night!
- Carla: You've gone soft.
- Jordan: [Gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.
- Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?
- J.D.: Is that a gay joke?
- Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair...
- J.D.: [thinking] Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him.
- Carla: [speaking from the desk behind them] My mom died.
- [the two guys turn to look at her, speechless with concern]
- J.D.: [thinking] Except that.
- Dr. Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps whining about how horrible his father was.
- J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...
- Dr. Cox: Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job.
- [Turk shows his new interns the patient list]
- Chris Turk: This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart...
- J.D.: This one needs courage.
- Chris Turk: Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?
- Dr. Cox: [explaining he doesn't care it's JD's last week of residency] I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions!
- [turns away, then turns back]
- Dr. Cox: Oh, and Hugh Jackman.
- J.D.: Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!
- Mikey: [Flying around like an airplane] Eeeeeeeeehhhhh! I'm a pretty airplane! Board me! Eeeeeeeeehhhhh!
- Murray Marks: He's a little off.
- J.D.: He smells like fuel.
- Murray Marks: He's an airplane!
- Chris Turk: [to Carla] Baby. You've always known about my sleep toots. Hell, you used to imitate the sound they made, remember?
- Nurse Roberts: I make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts.
- Chris Turk: Laverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and just in case, if you're wondering, you're not on it!
- Turk: [voice-over] It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
- [to J.D. and Elliot]
- Dr. Cox: Ah, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That wonderful time of the year when you two crazy kids throw all caution to the wind and make sweet, ellbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy. You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naughtay.
- Elliot: Dr. Cox, I lost my apartment and I was just needing a place to stay...
- Dr. Cox: ...so you went over to your friend's house and cried on his shoulder - boo-hoo-wah - and you of course comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable and blah, blah, blah, nerdy sex, the end. Dear lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?
- Nurse Roberts: Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories.
- J.D.: I am not addicted to Journey
- Chris Turk: [singing] She's just a small-town girl...
- J.D.: [singing] Livin' in a lonely wor-rld, she took the midnight train, going a-n-y-whe-ere.
- Dr. Cox: They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good.
- Dr. Kelso: [threateningly, to Nurse Roberts, who is chuckling] What is so funny?
- Nurse Roberts: Oh just the hooves and pitchfork part.
- [much more threateningly]
- Nurse Roberts: Why?
- Dr. Kelso: [Frightened] Uh, no reason.
- [Turk is picking a team for a basketball game. JD throws a basketball and it hits him on the head, knocking him unconscious]
- Turk: I got that guy.
- Elliot: Laverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you're surrounded by like hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts?
- Nurse Roberts: Have you been drinkin'?
- [about J.D]
- Dr. Cox: Uh, Carla. Carla, have you, uh, have you seen Newbie?
- Carla: Oh, he got off your leash?
- Dr. Cox: [laughing] Give me a break. The kid's like... he's like a... have you ever seen a drunk baby?
- [Carla stares at him]
- Dr. Cox: Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's... it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man... you take your eyes off them for one second...
- Dr. Cox: You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever, then the only one you're going to be able to contend with around here is yourself. And when you really get to know *that* person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep.
- Dr. Cox: Ah, sorry to interrupt you there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay, *spawned* by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can't just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And besides, with your money, you ought to be able to keep a little man tucked away in the closet, and bring him out whenever you wanna *knock* him around, huh?
- [to the interns]
- Dr. Cox: As you were.
- [after allowing Dr. Kelso to slip]
- Janitor: I liked the way blond-hair-doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care about that, do you? No... because you're unconscious.
- [discussing an argument between Elliot and Alex, an attractive social worker J.D. is dating]
- Chris Turk: So, who'd you side with?
- J.D.: Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away.
- Chris Turk: Smooth.
- J.D.: [voice over] I guess what they say is true the people you work with really do become your family. Like your brother, and your sister in law,
- [shot of Turk and Carla]
- J.D.: or that cousin you have funny feelings for
- [shot of Elliot]
- J.D.: , and the crazy angry uncle everyone sort of hopes isn't coming this year.
- J.D.: Dr. Cox, If you want you can come down here and hang out with...
- Dr. Cox: Nobody talk, just drink.
- J.D.: Ah uncomfortable silences and alcohol... just like Thanksgiving at home.