- Kim: [telling Sharon how she managed to lose weight] I did it the old fashioned way... Laxatives and smokes.
- [an answering machine message to his estranged wife]
- Brett: Kim, pick up the phone, it's Brett... Look, can you call me back? I'm at work. I really need to talk to you... What day's rubbish day?
- Kim: Oh, listen to this, Mum.
- [She reads from a novel]
- Kim: "He stood to attention, his sword erect, ready to take his punishment. He was a throbbing member of an exclusive club. The lord laughed as he thought of the noble knight's rogering."
- Kath: Oh, that sounds great, Kim.
- Kim: Yeah, it's the new Jeffrey Archer.
- Kath: Oh right. What happens in the end?
- Kim: I don't know. I haven't started it yet - that was just Jeffrey's bio in the front.
- Kath: Oh, he sounds nice.
- Kim: He does, doesn't he.
- Kath: Yeah, I like the sound of him.
- Kim: Oh, I always have.
- Kath: Hmm, decent.
- Kath: I'm sure you've heard of those Nancy Kantz pants? Well these are the Kath Day enhance your fancy dance pants.
- [In response to Kim's taunts about her mother's mature-age wedding]
- Kath: I don't think you can handle the fact that while your marriage is on the rocks, Kel and I are getting ours off.
- Kim: All right. I'm guilty. You've found out my surprise.
- Kath: What, Kim?
- Kim: I've been trying to run up your credit card bill to earn you enough Fly-Buys to get you a free mystery flight for your honeymoon.
- Kath: Oh, well why didn't you say so, love? Oh, I'm thrilled. So do we get a free trip?
- Kim: Yes, I have managed to get you and Kel a trip. It's on Sunday the 23rd of October... 4:30... AM... You won't be sitting together and they can't tell me where you're going, but they can tell me that it's not out of the state.
- [Kath trying to help her daughter to lose weight]
- Kath: Look at moy, look at moy. Kimmy, Look at moy. Now I've got one word to say to you... Ozone.
- Kim: What?
- Kath: The ozone diet. It's taking Hollywood by storm, Kim. See what you do is, you eating nothing but air for two weeks and then nothing but red meat for two weeks so it all evens out.
- Kim: [discussing Martin Sheen and his 2 sons, Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen] Why have they got different names?
- Kath: Oh, you know their dad. What's his name? Little guy on the telly?
- Kim: Mr. Sheen? Oh. He must have had two wives. Sweet.
- Kim: That's Hollywood. Happens all the time. Been happening for thousands of years. Get used to it.
- [Indignant over Kath's coldness in response to his homosexual revelation]
- Kel: Right. Keep Saturday night free, because I'm going to prove to you I'm all the man you need. Now where did I put my man-bag?
- Kim: [talking about Sharon] She's one of those people who makes you feel better when they're around... You know, in comparison.
- [Kim is looking at herself in the mirror. Her stomach is sucked in and she has her chest puffed out]
- Kim: Brett thought I was just a boring housewife... Well he was wrong! Look at me! I'm a hornbag!
- [stops holding her stomach in as she flounces off with a pot belly]
- Kath: [thinking Kim is gay] Kim I want you to know, I know that you've thrown your handbag in the river and I'm okay with that...
- [Kim looks bemused]