- [Sparks and Captain Murphy have gone to Hell for killing the SeaLab crew]
- Sparks: So how's the lava bath treating you?
- Captain Murphy: Oh, you know, mind blowing pain.
- Sparks: Oh yeah.
- Captain Murphy: How about you?
- Sparks: Oh? Ass full of red hot coals.
- Captain Murphy: Ass full of red hot coals...
- Sparks: Oh yeah.
- Captain Murphy: Your entire ass, just packed full of red hot coals?
- Sparks: Right to the rim, baby.
- Captain Murphy: You lucky bastard.
- Sparks: Yeah.
- [Multiple Quinns and Stormys are caught in a subspace loop]
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Hey Quinns, check it out! We built a time machine! Stormy Two is gonna' go back in time, and, uh, fix it all... up, there. Fix it...
- Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: You don't have the brain capacity to build a time machine.
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: You're right. So I guess it's not so much a time machine... as it is a dodge ball connon! Say hello to my little friend...
- [the dodge ball cannon knocks all of the Quinns off of the screen]
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Eat it! Eat it! Get some! Get some!
- Sparks: Um, ok, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.
- Debbie DuPree: Why settle for a cat Hesh? You could be a robot... tiger.
- Marco: No, no, no! Absolamente no! If I have to be five foot nothing Hesh can't be a tiger!
- Captain Murphy: Your not the boss of tiger bot Hesh!
- Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: That's not in the budget! How are we paying for all this?
- Sparks: Selling pot.
- [pause]
- Sparks: ...Holders.
- [pause]
- Sparks: ...Made of hemp.
- Bebop Cola Machine: [singing like Louie Armstrong] And I think to myself, I need exact change.
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
- Debbie DuPree: Humans! You have a human brain.
- Sparks: But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!
- Marco: We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.
- Captain Murphy: Yeah, but... nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.
- Debbie DuPree: Uh, uh. Dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: They're gonna' hunt me? For sport?
- Marco: That's why we have to CRUSH mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.
- Old Gus: The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years frozen in carbonite!
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: A thousand years frozen in carbonite? It'll be so cold!
- Captain Murphy: My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
- Marco: What kind of benefits are we talking about here? Hypothetically.
- Sparks: Uhh, you gotta check with henchman resources on that, it's not my department. But you will get a helmet and jumpsuit. Oh yeah, and metal teeth.
- [Marco imagines himself with helmet jumpsuit and metal teeth]
- Marco: That helmet makes me look like Ralph, you know, the motorcycle mouse.
- Sparks: How about a beret?
- Marco: Yeah, I can do a beret.
- Sparks: You're lucky. A lot of guys can't.
- Marco: You know, you throw a pretty good punch, Captain.
- Captain Murphy: Well, there were a lot of bullies in my neighborhood when I was a kid.
- Marco: Your dad got you boxing lessons?
- Captain Murphy: No, I just got beat up a lot. So now when I get the chance I like to sucker punch people.
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Oh my God! Giant squid! Giant squid!
- Frenchman: Ah yes, loligo giganticus, with a razor sharp that can tear steel as easily as I tear a croissant. But at heart, he is a peaceful giant.
- [Suspecting that a "sick" child has the bubonic plague]
- Captain Murphy: I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats!
- [Almost directly taken from Apocalypse Now]
- Captain Murphy: Did they say why they want to terminate my command?
- Marco: They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
- Captain Murphy: Are my methods unsound?
- Marco: I don't see any method at all, sir.
- Captain Murphy: Are you an assassin?
- Marco: I'm a soldier.
- Captain Murphy: You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. SO WET WILLIE FOR YOU!
- Captain Murphy: Turns out they're... uh...
- Bizarro Crew: BIIIZZZAARROOOOOO!
- Captain Murphy: [quiet/resigned] Man, I hate the Bizarros.
- Captain Murphy: Until we find the thief, I am declaring Martian law!
- Sparks: Um, I think its martial law.
- Captain Murphy: Silence! Under Martian law... uh... what are my powers, exactly?
- Sparks: Under martial law, you could suspend habeas corpus, empower a posse comitatus...
- Captain Murphy: That's crap. Mars is wild, untamed. I'm forming a cadre of Martian knights charged with enforcing Martian law.
- Sparks: And there goes Pod Six.
- Debbie DuPree: God, it so depressing.
- Captain Murphy: What? Pod Six was jerks!
- Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: [concerning the gloops overrunning the station] Marco, are you in or out?
- Marco: Man... I'm torn between my love of gloops and my love of killing
- [the gloop in his hand farts]
- Marco: ... OK! Let's grease 'em!
- Marco: [sung to the tune of Jingle Bells] Dolphin meat! Dolphin meat! Nature's greatest treat! Oh what fun, it is to eat That damn, damn dolphin meat!
- [Murphy is finishing a joke]
- Captain Murphy: ...and so she goes, "Sixty-nine? You mean you want beef with broccoli?"
- [Murphy laughs]
- Master Loo: Yeah. Wow, sexist *and* racist. Two in one. You have a gift.
- [Quinn and Stormy are fighting a squid for Murphy's toy oven]
- Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: It just wants the oven! If we give it the oven...
- Captain Murphy: No! Absolutely not! You are expendable. That oven is not!
- [while on the phone trying to buy golf balls]
- Captain Murphy: Look, all I want is some sweet, new balls.
- Operator: Excuse me?
- Captain Murphy: Aww, clean your ears out, woman! I want some BALLS!
- Hesh: [rapping] You're one year older / One year wiser / Rock 'n' roll star, king, czar, and a kaiser / A room full of friends / A mouth full of cake / Every present is for you, and it feels pretty great / You're the man of the hour, the V.I.P. / You get the first slice of the P-I-E / So blow out your candles and make a wish / Put a smile on, 'cuz it's your birthday, bitch!
- [Murphy wants to put his brain into a robot body]
- Captain Murphy: I just don't know if I want to live a thousand years. Even as an Adrienne Barbeau-bot.
- Captain Murphy: Marco! Hey, buddy, you wanna... I don't know, hang out or play a game?
- Marco: I'm a little busy here, sir. Trying to keep a trillion-dollar research station running smoothly.
- Captain Murphy: Ooh, fun. I'll be the mommy.
- Captain Murphy: This is Chopper Dave's made-for-TV movie: Blades of Vengeance. See, he's a helicopter pilot by day, but by night he fights crime... as a werewolf.
- [Murphy has sent the crew to salvage treasure from a wrecked ship]
- Captain Murphy: No pirates, they're paranoid! They've probably got the gold hidden in their butts! Bust open a few skeletons.
- Marco: We're not messing with those nasty old skeletons.
- [pause]
- Captain Murphy: You're an ass.
- Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks: Now, are you in? Or does miniature John Wilkes Booth shoot you in the face about a billion more times?
- Debbie DuPree: So... it must be fascinating to be a big Hollywood movie star.
- Beck Bristow: You know what's fascinating? Hot, nasty sex with Hollywood actor Beck Bristow.
- Debbie DuPree: [seductively] Are you... propositioning me?
- Beck Bristow: No. Merely stating a fact.
- [Quinn and Bizarro Debbie are having sex]
- Bizarro Quinn: [to Debbie] You wanna make him jealous? Get delicious bizarro revenge, okay? Mmmmm. Delicious.
- Debbie DuPree: Get off of me, you disgusting little monster!
- Bizarro Quinn: You likey, likey, likey, likey, likey, likey!
- Debbie DuPree: Oh, no, no, no, no!
- Bizarro Quinn: Bizarro! You can do it! You can do it in there! Just put it... put it in my pants!
- Debbie DuPree: Oh, no!
- Captain Murphy: That's it, resist his charms.
- [Virjay has been killed and the crew is about to be eaten by monsters]
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Fling Virjay's corspe out there!
- Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks: That ain't Christian!
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Neither was Virjay!
- [short pause; everybody laughs]
- Hesh: [rapping] Yo yo yo let me see those hands people! Huh huh huh come on y'all you can feel the beat! Remember way back when I was smoking crack, you were at the corner, selling that ass and I took that rusty pipe and gave your head that gash and I took all your cash and spent it on smack? I feel bad about that. Not really. But yeah. That and the time I made you shave your cat. Oh and the time I said your ass looked fat. And when I played the back nine when you were taking a nap. As a matter of fact I been a down right jerk. Stealing cash from your purse but that ain't the worst. Can't believe I'm the guy who filled your eye with shit. We went to ER and I hit on the nurse. Now we're here at the church to make it offical. I love you bitch you're a motherfucking...
- [Discussing what they would have if their brains were in robots]
- Captain Murphy: Wait a minute, he gets eye beams, but I can't get x-ray vision?
- Sparks: Okay... everybody gets x-ray vision.
- Captain Murphy: Yeah, and big chainsaw hands!
- Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: That shockwave created a subspace fracture.
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Take that, subspace!
- Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: Shut up.
- Derek 'Stormy' Waters: No.
- [the crew discusses what it will be like when they all become robots]
- Marco: I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets right?
- Sparks: Nails, chains, you won't have titanium teeth for nothing.
- Captain Murphy: Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice.
- Debbie DuPree: [laughs] No we won't.
- Captain Murphy: Maybe YOU won't!
- Marco: Santa Maria! Captain you cannot punish the crew like this. They will mutiny!
- Captain Murphy: I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs! The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies!
- Sparks: Take it easy there Tamberlain, sir.