Jason Mewes credited as playing...
Jay
- Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
- Jay: What buzz?
- Holden: The Internet buzz.
- Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?
- Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
- Jay: [to Silent Bob] Ooh! Check that shit out, man, the internet! Let's see if those fucks wrote something new about us in that stupid ass flick.
- [reads Shooting Range:]
- Jay: "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls, because they both in fact lick balls."
- [angrily:]
- Jay: Motherfucker! It's time we wrote something back. Type this shit down: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is makin' the movie... we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. And then all you motherfucks are next. Love - Jay and Silent Bob.
- Jay: What are you trying to say? Just say it already.
- Silent Bob: [screams] THE SIGN on the back of the car said "Critters Of HOLLYWOOD", YOU DUMB FUCK!
- Jay: Say it, don't spray it.
- Jay: I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck
- [referring to Silent Bob]
- Jay: , none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
- Sissy: Since you let our patsy slip away, you gotta convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. They gotta break into Provasik now.
- Justice: Uh-uh.
- Sissy: Uh-huh. You'll do it, or you're out of the gang, Justice. Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him, since he's SO fucking in love with you.
- Justice: Jay? No, he's not.
- Sissy: What am I, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van like he was fucking Lord Byron?
- Justice: Well, maybe he just has manners.
- [cut to Jay outside, hollering at a woman walking past him]
- Jay: Yo, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
- [he turns to Silent Bob, who stares at him in shock]
- Jay: Yeeaah...!
- [deleted scene]
- Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?
- Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?
- Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
- Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?
- Hooker #2: As nasty as you want to be, papi.
- Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.
- [stunned silence]
- Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!
- [both hookers leave]
- Jay: What? You said "nasty"!
- [to Silent Bob]
- Jay: Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.
- Jay: [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noise noise noise, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noise, noise noise / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
- Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
- Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
- Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?
- Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
- Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
- [Silent Bob points to the two teens]
- Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain.
- Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
- Jay: Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
- Cock-Knocker: Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha, ha, you're gonna love this. True story!
- [punches Jay in the crotch]
- Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
- Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
- Jay: Who?
- Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
- Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
- Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
- Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a motherfucker.
- [high fives Holden]
- Holden: What's up now.
- Devil Jay: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Man, what the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up. Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch! Girls like that kinda shit.
- Devil Jay 2: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Right about here is where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out, but we bitch-slapped that motherfucker and send him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let it rip boy...
- [Both devils disappear]
- Angel Jay: [with a black eye, appears out of nowhere and singing] Jesus loves the little children...
- [Stops singing]
- Angel Jay: Oh sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here?
- [looks down at Jay's erection]
- Angel Jay: Oh shit! Don't tell me your thinking of whipping your dick at that fine piece of woman, are you?
- [Jay nods. Angel slaps Jay with his harp]
- Angel Jay: Tell you what... Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks that a good idea to whip your dick out.
- [Jay looks at Silent Bob with a questioning look. Silent Bob shakes his head]
- Angel Jay: That's it boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv-bullshit's gonna work for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nooch. Now I gotta beat the shit out of those punch-sucker little bitches. Remember: Don't pull your dick out 'till she asks, or until she's sleeping. BOOOONG...
- [disappears]
- Jay: So your in this for the pussy right?
- Brent: No, I'm in this because I LOOOVE animals, stupid?
- Jay: Even Sheep?
- Brent: Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures.
- Jay: So would you fuck a sheep?
- Brent: What is your damage, little boy. You have a sick and twisted world perspective.
- Jay: No, you're misunderstaning me, Prince Valiant. I'm saying if you were a sheep, would you fuck a sheep, if you were another sheep?
- Brent: Well, in that case, you bet your sweet ass I would.
- Jay: Thought so.
- [Yelling]
- Jay: Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us. He said he'd fuck a sheep!
- Brent: No! No! No!
- Jay: [Throws Brent out the door of the van, flips him off as he's looking out the door as they're still driving] WHO'S STUPID NOW, DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!
- Banky: Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
- Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are callin' us names because of this fuckin' stupid movie.
- Banky: That's what the Internet's for, slandering others anonymously! Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!
- Jay: This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts by a guy named Cockknocker!
- Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic." So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!
- Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember? For likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic," when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a VERY actionable position.
- [Banky stares at Silent Bob in disbelief]
- Jay: Yeah.
- Banky: You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.
- Jay: Well, we want somethin' for our mental anguish.
- Banky: Tell you what: let's settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I make.
- [Silent Bob's eyes widen in surprise]
- Jay: [eagerly] Half?
- Banky: Half's not enough? Fine, I'll give you two-thirds of what I make.
- Jay: Fuck you, you already said half. You can't take it back.
- [Silent Bob rolls his eyes]
- Banky: Done.
- [they smile and shake hands as Silent Bob shakes his head]
- [several security guards, led by Gordon, have suddenly rushed onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season]
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
- Matt Damon: [exasperated] Oh Jesus, again Ben?
- Ben Affleck: [cocky] No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: There they are!
- Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!
- Jay: Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What?
- Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?
- Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
- Jay: They don't? How 'bout "fine piece of ass"?
- Justice: How about not.
- Jay: Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you?
- Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
- Jay: Boo boo kitty fuck?
- Justice: That's... a start.