Runaway Nightmare

This thoroughly uncategorizable whatever-the-hell-it-is is far and away one of the most aberrant gonzo visions ever committed to celluloid(with a few shot-on-video nudity inserts). Seriously...this one will leave your head spinning for days, if not months...

The conspectus of this flippantly engendered zero-budget wonder involves a rat-pack of female criminals who abduct a couple of lowly Death Valley worm farmers(?!), and forcibly enlist their aid in a plot to snare a briefcase full of plutoni...uh...PLATINUM... from a rival organized crime syndicate. The film brings down the curtain with a scene paying light homage to the 50s noir classic KISS ME DEADLY.

The deranged impetus of RUNAWAY NIGHTMARE is largely propelled by dallying shots of women posing seductively with an assortment of weapons. Considering the noticeably unfurnished nature of this conception, I suspect it was predominantly formulated as fetishistic fodder piloted at guys with a blaze in their pants for armed-and-dangerous females. Hey...sign me up. What's hotter than a chick with a gun?

Nothing...I mean NOTHING the likes of RUNAWAY NIGHTMARE has ever crossed my path...an ass-backward oddity with enough catawampus appeal to merit a small cult following. Featured castmember Georgia Durante, a noted model, gangster's moll and stuntwoman, later published her disturbing memoirs in a marvelous book(called THE COMPANY SHE KEEPS), which is every bit as bizarre as this film. 6/10

Working/living in Death Valley, worm ranchers Ralph and Jason quietly watch a live, luscious girl being buried. They rescue the victim, Fate (Seeska Vandenberg) but get kidnapped for their trouble by the buried girl's lunatical all-female cult. Jason (Al Valletta), originally bored, finds the abduction a feast with endless romantic opportunities while Ralph (Mike Cartel), content with the quiet, uneventful desert tries now to maneuver in a bizarre, dangerous otherworld.

RUNAWAY NIGHTMARE is a serious mystery in the opening moments of ominous Joshua-treed desert with fleecy grinning clouds; vultures circling, restive winds , suggesting playfully cruel gods just over the horizon. But the audience is also foreshadowy-warned that this is a subtle, dark comedy; Worm farmers (really?) Calm one-liners, even wisecracks alongside morbidity.

You also grasp that actor/director/etcetera Mike Cartel intentionally teases with almost-sex and near ultra-violence/death. Cartel avoids these conceits like the clap, partly to contrast the '70s cinema new discovery (and flaunting) of skin, sim-sex, blood-flood and profanity-for-dialog. And partly because of the film's nature; where (stark porn and/or blood-gushing) with gorgeous lunatics is both dangerous and (with Ralph's moral character) as passionless as watching dogs mate.

Act Two is Ralph and Jason's surreal life in the man-hating/craving female commune, where the men have opposite experiences. Much involves the netherworld vignettes with its expressionist decor, creeping shadows, splashed/shaped lighting. Seldom do the scenes build and play out, although the focus is on a quick study of bizarre women in a funhouse/spook house without stalling momentum. It is also where much of the confusing subtleties are confronted with dialog-pieces rather than lengthy expositions. The aberrant editing (sideways with nuts-and-bolt edits), unpredictable events, Ralph's interchange in this off-beat sequence creates an impetus of its own. But it is here too that the audience must catch hold of Ralph, or the film will fail with no one to root for.

With a script sentence that might have read; "Fate's burial was the punishment of a crime boss (that she had previously worked with) after she had stolen from him a package-full of something priceless (platinum?)," the movie makes a detour into crime melodrama.

Here Ralph and Jason are used as decoys at the crime boss's warehouse while the cult leader, heartless Hesperia (Cindy Donlan) and her women steal back the mysterious package. The boss and his crew (who's nobody's fool) counterattacks Hesperia's Walden-Three where everyone escapes, except, of course Ralph.

Adapting as fast as the gods can invent traps, Ralph sets a time-bomb and hides the platinum package before being probed by the boss at his hideout. The bomb actually explodes before Ralph gets eviscerated, saved by his own cunning, with help from the sneaky gods.

But the audience may suspect Ralph is a slapsitck-less Lou Costello (where he sees actual monsters but no one believes him) playing to Jason's cocky, doubting Bud Abbott. You know that Ralph isn't going to die (any more than Frankenstein will hurt Costello). The gods aren't about to let their fool slip into eternal rest until they've had their fun.

Ralph phones his ranch where Jason and the girls have escaped. But it is Fate who coincidentally answers the phone; she lies that everyone has died and drives to the exploded warehouse to find Ralph. It is only Fate after-all who appears sane, who had gingerly seduced Ralph into her trust. After learning the whereabouts of her platinum, Fate toys with Ralph by happily confessing to her triple-crosses then casually shoots the man who had saved her life. But Ralph still can't find deathly peace, this time saved by his protective vest.

Now at the commune, Fate finally opens her illusive package, discovering that it actually contains something far more precious than platinum.

This is where the original script ended, with a sketchy line about cult queen Hesperia abandoning her girls to the men, who happily use them as bug ranchers. Over the months Cartel filmed five endings, finally settling on one that takes another hard turn (gods-willing) allowing Ralph's escape into the kind of indelicate immortality that only a vampire might appreciate.

RUNAWAY NIGHTMARE's comic subtlety, however overlaps into several genres (it was first marketed as a horror film) where it keeps many viewers off-balance or slaphappy (are they serious now? Where the hell is this leading to?) or degrades into farce (a hot-foot joke to end the dinner scene!?). But Ralph remains true to his character, and every mad hazard is seen through his POV, holding a forward interest with many observers intrigued, others overlooking flaws for the adventure.

And if audiences go along with Ralph they will forgive that the plot is just a platform, slowly unfolding from a mystery into a raging, screwball ride that may have finally found its gathering, beyond the art house and into the outer limits of cinephile cult.

Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of Runaway Nightmare; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 0.25 Direction: 1.25 Pace: 0.25 Acting: 0.50 Enjoyment: 0.50

TOTAL: 2.75 out of 10.00

Runaway Nightmare is precisely that. A nightmare that just won't stop. The writer, director, and star of this excruciatingly tedious shambles, Mike Cartel, is actually the best thing about the project. Evidently, Cartel knew what he was after; it's a shame he didn't dispense that information to the others.

The story has two Nevada Desert Worm Farmers espying a couple of dubious characters burying a wooden container in the desert. When their curiosity gets the better of them, they dig up the box and discover a naked lady inside - A still breathing, beautiful blonde lady. No sooner have the reluctant heroes taken her home than her compatriots arrive, locked and loaded, to take her back. However, since the two men have seen them, the women decide Ralph and Jason must return too and await Hesperia's decision on their futures. The lads begin deducing that the female of the species is crazier than the male as they drive to the lady's lair. What will happen to our dauntless duo? Will they escape, or will Heperia's sentence be fatal? Sounds good so far, doesn't it(?) And because I'd read the synopsis, I gave it a try. I will now tell you the story fails in many ways. For a start, the characters are ridiculous and lacking in personality. In most cases, they're less than one-dimensional. They're there; they walk and talk. However, you never connect or relate to them. Only Ralph appears to have a smidgeon more presence, but maybe that's because Cartel wrote him and Cartel played him. Talk about giving yourself the best parts and lines. Then there's the comedic element. You can see Cartel was attempting, but once again, most of the humour is pitiful, except for the lines Cartel gets, and then these are merely mildly funny, at their best. Next comes the thrills and spills of the action and espionage - well, no. Because of the horrendous characterisations, these segments appear lacklustre, dull and drawn out.

And they only get worse when Cartel plants his backside in the director's chair. The chief obstacle to the picture was the near non-existent timing. The tempo was so wearisome that it felt like all the comedy components had taken a nap, and the action sequences had gone into extra slo-mo. The monotonous pace made everything uninteresting. That was a shame as Cartel has a decent eye for composition, and there are some beautifully captured scenes and images - even the warehouse in the desert looks good. Sadly, a one-trick pony hardly ever wins the race, and most fail to place.

As for the cast - one word, three syllables - Hor-ren-dous. Even the ubiquitous Cartel adds to their awfulness. I would like to describe their performances as wooden. However, I have a two-by-four out in the shed that has given better performances - you should see his rendition of Withnail and I. And, I fully believe some of them were on day release from the local nut-house. Only Cartel and Seeska Vandenberg elevate themselves above the tree line, but it's never for too long. They quickly plummet back into the forest of atrocious acting.

This recommendation is easy - stay the hell away from Runaway Nightmare - Everyone - Yes! That means you too. I watched this film so you didn't have to.

Finally, the squirming worms have turned. That should give you enough time to check out my IMDb lists - Absolute Horror, The Game Is Afoot, and Just For Laughs to see where Runaway Nightmare crashed into my rankings - and to find a better worm with which to bait your hook.

Take Care & Stay Well.

Runaway Nightmare (1982)

BOMB (out of 4)

Ralph (Mike Cartel) and Jason (Al Valletta) are working as worm farmers in the desert and complaining that their lives have no fun or adventure. As soon as they say that they witness a couple men burying a box. They decide to dig it up and inside is a woman that is still alive. They take her home but before long a gang of women break in and kidnap the men.

This regional horror film started production in 1978 and it was finished sometime in 1982 when the picture was released. The version of the film I watched was the original director's cut, which features no nudity or anything like that. When it was originally released on video someone added a bunch of nude inserts but sadly they were not a part of the director's cut, although they can be found on the DVD release of the film as a bonus feature.

As far as the film goes, I must admit that I'm rather shocked to read some positive reviews of this thing. For my money this was one of the worst and most boring films I've ever seen. I mean, you've pretty much got nothing happening throughout the 93-minute running time. You keep watching the movie expecting something of interest to happen but it never does. The film continues to drag along and there's still nothing.

The pure boredom caused by this picture is just something shocking to witness. I really don't understand what the director (Cartel) was trying to do. There's no drama. No mystery. No horror or gore. There's no nudity. There's honestly nothing going on with this picture. I guess some people share my feelings of nothing going on yet they find that to be entertained because they've never seen anything like it before. I think it would have been better had RUNAWAY NIGHTMARE just not been made.