Blood Surf

Hey, I've found it - The worst horror film of all time. Pretty much the funniest too! Lets face it, how many films are you ever going to see where two talentless (well, acting wise) actresses, flash their excessively well proportioned boobs at a killer crocodile ahead of the classic line "Hey, we'd better stop croc teasing!"

Still, what would you expect from the film's (supposedly fact-based) premise. A group of doco makers (included the two miss boobs) set out to film a group of blood-surfers who cut themselves deliberately in the water to attract sharks in an effort to jazz up proceedings. Unfortunately they find a 30 foot crocodile rather than a shark. In the ensuing 40 minutes or so the makers (and I use the term loosely) rip off JAWS, PLACID LAKE, ORCA, INDIANA JONES, and MONTY PYTHON!

The crocodile it must be said, is the ultimate in amateur fx. Rarely looking the same in two scenes, it occasionally appears to be the size of a Mack truck, at other times, no bigger than a normal croc. Frequently a cardboard cut-out in silhouette and with the realistic movement of a barbie doll! The deaths....which take on assembly-line proportions, out-do even DEEP BLUE SEA in the humor department! Just when you think your ribs can take no more laughing....it ENDS with the croc's hilarious self-demise.

This has set South African film-making back at least 50 years.

Fans of creature feature films have to endure a lot of awful movies lately. Blood Surf shamelessly joins the list of stupid, redundant pulp-horror titles about ridiculously big animals that want to turn the food chain upside down. Crocodiles are particularly successful as we already had to struggle our way through the abysmal 'Crocodile' (directed by a disappointing Tobe Hooper) and 'Lake Placid'. Blood Surf is every bit as bad as these other films and – on top of that – it likes to exaggerate tremendously. The saltwater-crocodile supposedly is 90 years old, over 30 ft long (!) and it kills for fun! During the film, he amuses himself by devouring a bunch of utterly stupid surfer-dudes & dudettes who came to seek new thrills by surfing in a shark-congested area. The only beautiful aspect about this film is the tropical location. Even though it's a completely inappropriate setting for a film like this, the lagoons and nature looks marvelous. Every other aspect is simply disastrous. There's a quite a bit of gore but it all looks fake and laughable. The dialogues are downright painful to listen to! You won't believe some of the lines these actors have to say! I know surfers are supposed to be a mentally underdeveloped group but I hope for their own sake they're not that stupid! Early in the film, one of the characters refers to Jaws as being a 'mechanical toy' but the croc here looks at least 10 times less real than Spielberg's great white shark. The visual effects in 'Blood Surf' are amateurish and the massacres fail to impress. I won't say too much about the acting since it's secondary in flicks like this. The girls look sexy in wet shirts and their boobs joyfully bounce while running away from the beast. You guessed right: Blood Surf is a very bad film. So bad it becomes fun again. But 'funny' for a whole other reason than James Hickox intended.

Standard "paint-by-numbers" monster fare, filled with a bunch of routine plot devices from big-creature movies. It's like somebody had a deck of cards with plot ideas from other movies written on them, which were shuffled, and dealt. Whatever plot lines and characters came up in the deal were then tossed into the script.

Characters are so cliché-ridden, that you can play a game of "Guess who ends up as a monster meal" after less than ten minutes into the movie, and probably get every single one right--including the order that they will get devoured. Many of the characters are so obnoxious, that you root for the creature to shut them up. Some of the main characters include: a Billy Idol clone who surfs with sharks, a loudmouth brat who flashes bankrolls, a Capt. Ahab guy with a vendetta, and Ahab's girlfriend who does sleazy dances at a bar. Oh, and a big, big beast in need of anger management therapy.

Along the way, people argue a lot, pretty girls run around with wet t-shirts, couples make out on exotic beaches, explosions occur, ruins of a shrine appear, and greasy-faced pirates drop by.

Amusing, for the most part, but one thing bothered me: the callousness by characters when other people were killed. After one violent demise, they make one-liner jokes. I could almost hear rim shots.

Overall, OK, if you have 90 minutes to waste, and you want to laugh at a so-bad-it's-good-movie. Otherwise, you may want to skip this one.

If you have ever seen a porn movie you would have understood that it contains appalling acting, direction and storyline, only to provide a thin backdrop to the sex scenes - it's kind of sad really. But what is it when you have that same dead-brained quality for an entire film without even the sex scenes - this is a sad, sad thing.

Some films are bad, but within the badness they have something that fascinates or interests us - a different perspective or just sheer eccentricity. In a way they are good at being bad. This film is not good at being anything and is rare, not only in being moronic, but in actually making its audience feel embarrassed for the people who made it,

Imagine years of clawing and scratching your way to being a 'professional' actor or director, for this to be the result. When watching this film, all one can do is wonder (apart from as to whether Kate Fischer will actually show us her silicone work) as to the complete abscence of any sort of wit or intelligence on the screen.

They really should have donated half the money to some young film makers and made a porno-flick with the other half - clearly they would have been far better at this.

I love monster movies. As long as they aren't boring I can always have some fun with them. This film is not boring. It has beautiful women, a recklessly brave heroine, the ocean, surfing, sharks, lots of "croc fodder", explosions.. it works! Of course it is flawed in many and humorous ways. Much of the acting, and most of the directing leave one aghast. But a real monster film fan will find something to enjoy. I enjoyed Kate Fischer immensely; even her acting,which was compelling. I enjoyed the action, and the crocodile chasing everyone around on land and sea. Some of the special effects were actually thrilling. The surfing scene is certainly worth seeing.

Yes, I knew everything that was going to happen before it did. I knew who was going to get eaten, and approximately when. But it still intrigued me enough to keep me watching. And that's all a monster film has to do. I might even want to get a video of it. Did I say that?