Bug Hall credited as playing...
Sam Callahan
- Sam Callahan: Will you explain to me about women?
- Lydia Callahan: Women are right, men are wrong, and that's all you need to know.
- Sam Callahan: Do you practice sex with Dothan?
- Maurey Pierce: Of course not, silly. He's my boyfriend.
- Maurey Pierce: I want to explain the rules before we do this.
- Sam Callahan: Do what?
- Maurey Pierce: Make sex. Why else would I be here?
- Sam Callahan: We're gonna perform sex now?
- Maurey Pierce: After coffee.
- Sam Callahan: I knew where to go in, I think, but it wouldn't go. I must be too big.
- Delores: [laughs] Nobody's TOO big.
- Sam Callahan: If a person goes to Hell for not finishing a tuna croquette, I think I lost my salvation a long time ago.
- Sam Callahan: I don't have a father.
- Maurey Pierce: Did he die?
- Sam Callahan: Lydia won't tell me anything about him. When she's drunk she claims virgin birth like Mary and Jesus.
- Maurey Pierce: We're both virgins, but someday we're gonna find ourselves doing it for real.
- Sam Callahan: So today's sex isn't real?
- Maurey Pierce: We're just friends helping each other learn a new skill. This is practice.
- Sam Callahan: So, will we still be virgins afterward?
- Chuckette Morris: Ga...! That was disgusting!
- Sam Callahan: It was a kiss!
- Chuckette Morris: With your wet, gross tongue hanging out? Ugh! Is that how boys back east kiss?
- Sam Callahan: That's how EVERYBODY kisses, Charlotte.
- Chuckette Morris: That's not... that's not how the Nazarenes do it. Daddy said boys would try to get me passionate so they can make me pregnant and ruin my life and trick me into going to Hell.
- Sam Callahan: Well, yes, sir, but I accidentally squirted into your daughter and, well, now she's with child.
- Sam Callahan: [voiceover] She said being pregnant was wretched but, to tell you the truth, it didn't bother ME that much.
- Sam Callahan: Can I touch her?
- Maurey Pierce: Okay, but be gentle. Babies aren't footballs
- Sam Callahan: Yeah, they don't travel as far when you kick 'em.
- Sam Callahan: You're licking the mirror.
- Lydia Callahan: I'm makin' contact.
- Sam Callahan: With who?
- Lydia Callahan: Myself.
- [last lines]
- Sam Callahan: [voiceover] Sam knew the trail ahead would be long, steep, and littered with horse manure, but he was ready now, 'cause somehow, someway, the waitress, the Indian, the cheerleader and the 15-year-old-father would survive. They were the modern American family.
- Sam Callahan: Now that Maurey and I have done it, will she like me?
- Lydia Callahan: Maurey will always have a warm spot in her heart whenever she thinks about you.
- Sam Callahan: But she says we're just friends.
- Lydia Callahan: Well, you're lucky. That way you can have the fun of love without the heartbreak.
- Sam Callahan: But what if I like her and get my heart broke anyway?
- Lydia Callahan: Then you're a sucker.
- Chuckette Morris: [joining Sam at lunch, all smiles] I like a boy who goes through the line with me and carries my tray. It's all right this time, but your manners will have to improve since we're going steady.
- Sam Callahan: Who said we're going steady?
- Chuckette Morris: Everyone. They know what you did to me at the picture show.
- Sam Callahan: Well, there's more to a commitment than biting someone's tongue.
- Chuckette Morris: Well, that behavior may pass back east, but here in Wyoming we're moral. That reminds me, you have to give me your jacket.
- Sam Callahan: What?
- Chuckette Morris: Well, it'll be a letter jacket next year. We'll make do for now.
- Sam Callahan: Charlotte, it's freezing outside.
- Chuckette Morris: What better way to prove your love for me than to sacrifice your jacket for my own comfort?
- Sam Callahan: Well, I don't WANT to prove my love.
- Chuckette Morris: [tearing up] They'll... They'll think you took advantage of me. They'll say I'm cheap.
- Sam Callahan: [voiceover] Spring in Wyoming lasts all of two weeks and is marked by mud and rampant pregnancy. With all of nature knocked up, Maurey and I felt right at home.
- Lydia Callahan: At your age, sex is something you run around and hide.
- Sam Callahan: Why?
- Lydia Callahan: Well, society'd fall apart if people were honest about screwin'.
- Coach Howard Stebbins: I don't know if you've heard, but we're mighty proud of our football team here at Gro Vont High. How'd you like to sign up?
- Sam Callahan: Well, I'd like to, sir, but my mom needs me at home. She hasn't adjusted to the lack of humidity yet.
- Coach Howard Stebbins: See, the thing is, it takes twenty-two players to hold a practice and I've only got twenty-one, and half of them still suck their mama's tit at night.
- Sam Callahan: W-well, I no longer nurse, sir.
- Sam Callahan: [about Hank] So, we gonna keep him?
- Lydia Callahan: Don't be ridiculous. He's not a sweater.
- Sam Callahan: I never said he was.