Quotes

Red Dwarf: Smeg Ups

Craig Charles: [in character as Lister] What, luck is a virus?
Robert Llewellyn: [in character as Kryten] A positive virus which most human beings er...
[forgets the rest of his line]
Robert Llewellyn: Contract, or something like that. Wibbly-wobbly-oobly-boobly-boo. Bibbly-bobbly-boo.
Craig Charles: Well, you haven't got it then, have ya?

Chris Barrie: [impersonating David Coleman] Here we are at, er, Wembley. Er... an extraordinary outfit. And with me is Lester Piggott. Lester, you're going into the world of TV, isn't that right?
Chris Barrie: [impersonating Lester Piggott, mumbling heavily] Mmm-certainly right, David.
Chris Barrie: [as David Coleman] It's a program about food and drink, isn't it, Lester?
Chris Barrie: [as Lester Piggott] Mmm-certainly right, Dave, yeah.
Chris Barrie: [as David Coleman] What's your favourite drink, Lester?
Chris Barrie: [as Lester Piggott] Matter of fact, Dave, it's Vat 69.
Chris Barrie: [as David Coleman] Vat 69? Why's that?
Chris Barrie: [as Lester Piggott] That was the last year I paid tax.

Chris Barrie: [dressed in the General Patton-esque uniform while filming 'Meltdown'] Kenneth Williams does The Dirty Dozen.
[impersonates Kenneth Williams]
Chris Barrie: Oh, yes, now... My name's Gen-er-al Patton, yes.

Chris Barrie: [in character as Rimmer] Across that valley lies an army of darkness such as mankind has never seen. The only thing that lies between them and total victory is this pathetic pocket of resistance. Without a plan, without a leader. And into this bleak arena steps a man, the man for the moment.
Robert Llewellyn: [in character as Kryten] Who?
Chris Barrie: [his line is supposed to be "Me! Who do you think, Pat Boone?"] Me! Pat - Oh,
[swearword bleeped out]
Chris Barrie: Sorry.
[Robert laughs]
Chris Barrie: I do lessons on how to blow gags.

Robert Llewellyn: [in character as Kryten, picks up "Mister Lister"'s guitar] Well, at least Mister Guitar...
[laughter from the studio audience]
Robert Llewellyn: "Mister Guitar"!
[stays in character, sings while pretending to strum the guitar]
Robert Llewellyn: "Oh, Mister Guitar, you're a sad little thing." You see, for me, everything's "Mister".
[starts pointing at things]
Robert Llewellyn: Mister Flask. Mister Cat. Mister Microphone.
[points to his groin]
Robert Llewellyn: Mister Rather Sad Nob.

[Craig picks his nose and eats it]
Craig Charles: [points to his other nostril] Saving this one til after. Got a bigger one here. That was the starter, this is the main course.
Robert Llewellyn: What we don't want to know is where the sweets come from.

Robert Llewellyn: [in Spare Head 3's Yorkshire accent] I've just cacked me pants.

[filming the scene in 'Meltdown' where Lister and the Cat have teleported into a chimney]
Danny John-Jules: [in character as the Cat] Where are we?
Craig Charles: [in character as Lister] Dunno.
[lights his lighter and holds it up to the wall]
Craig Charles: Stone.
[he taps the wall. It makes a hollow noise indicating that it's made of wood rather than stone. He smirks then starts corpsing, blowing the take. A crew member dabs his face. Danny laughs]
Craig Charles: [to someone off-camera] They were going to sort that out in the dub!

Chris Barrie: [as Rimmer] I AM ALI...
[He pounds the crates flanking him. It appears Rimmer is indeed lucky to be alive. However, an enormous crate falls over, leaning awkwardly against him]

Craig Charles: [as Lister] The Vindaloovian empire has pledged to exterminate them all.
[He touches the eyeball on his chin with his tongue]

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