The Ninja Squad

The pain I endured during the viewing of this film was unbelievable. I didn't exactly have high hopes for this film, in fact I watched it merely because I was in need of a laugh. But unfortunately for me, my brain could not have sustained worse damage had I repeatedly ran head first into a brick wall.

SPOILERS AHEAD 70% OF THE FILM RUINED(not that there's a plot anyway)

A man named Billy has not been paying his rent. Enter the rockard African Americans with bad Australian dubbed voices who proceed to get there asses kicked by the mighty Billy. They go back to their boss and.... that's where my IQ dropped 24 points. Anyway, Billy's mother is eventually killed and his sister kidnapped, so he sets out on a journey to "revenge" his mothers death (no I am not joking he really does say that).

Most of the film concentrates on Billy randomly going to sites with bad guys and pointing a gun in different directions to shoot his load. These sessions are followed by large intervals of talking. The talking seems to go on for hours, which is probably thanks to the gut wrenching dubbing, the silly looking characters and the annoying music.

The other untimely classic character this film introduces is Gordon

Gordon, the ninja, is challenged by the mighty Ivan the red. Ivan wants to kill Gordon so he may be crowned as "The Ultimate Ninja". If Gordon refuses, Ivan will go on a ninja killing spree until Gordon changes his mind. Obviously Gordon, being the intelligent man that he is, refuses and Ivan proceeds to wipeout every last ninja from the face of the earth. One thing Ivan should have considered is how can the ninjas praise him as this grandmaster if they're all dead? But oh well, none of the other characters use there brain in this film why should he be any different?

The main thing I noted about the characters in this film was that every one of them, especially the ninjas, were so superbly trained. No matter how many times a character was shot, slashed or stabbed they just wouldn't bleed. No blood was spilt in this film whatsoever.

Another notable is how every ninja in this movie is a Badass White American. Every time one of the ninjas died they would pull the stupidest face ever before keeling over at a ludicrous speed which had me in fits of laughter. It actually kept me watching to see if the next ninja's death would be funnier than the last. But the repetitive Billy scenes just kept coming back over, and over, and over, and I've just had enough of typing now. I would say more about this disgrace to planet earth,but even thinking about this film for too long could cause irreparable brain damage.

No - not by a long shot.

It is, however, a film of two halves. On the one hand, we have a Chinese drug trafficing film, where a ninja called Billy is fighting to save his family from the evil gangsters who are terrorising them. This is randomly interrupted by some Ninja fighting scenes, involving western actors with headbands saying "Ninja" - the idea here is that Ivan the Red, the evil ninja, is killing another ninja once a month.

Their ninja skills are very impressive, however, since they manage to kill their opposition without leaving even a trace of blood on the body or their sword. A more skeptical viewer might think, in fact, that the sword never even made contact with the enemy.

Finally, all I can say is "Dub good". Halfway through the film we are introduced to a random women with an awful Southern drawl, who luckily gets killed soon afterwards, but shows just how awful the casting of the voice actors was.

In conclusion, this film has got to be seen, if only to understand just how bad it is.

This is awful, theres no doubt about that, its a Godfrey Ho movie so obviously it has awful acting, writing, editing, story and plots (yes there are two plots). It is still funny. Plot one is a guy called Billy, I think, who has a hilarious Aussie dubbing and he's facing a villain called Larry who has terrible dress sense. Then a ninja is killing ninjas to draw out the master ninja called Gordon (Richard Harrison) but the evil ninja is sending Gordon letters to challenge him or he'll kill ninjas. So Gordon just stays out of it.

This is something of a 'so bad its good' and will friends it will make for a great laugh, but its still dreadful

Another nugget of movie-making gold from the crazed minds of Godfrey Ho, Joseph Lai, and the must-be-fictional IFD script unit. This time our pal Richard Harrison (who is unnerving without his trademark moustache, just like a young Burt Reynolds or a post-Fawlty John Cleese) returns as Ninja Master Gordon to train a young lad named Billy in the mystical arts of ninjitsu.

Unfortunately for Billy, he hasn't reckoned on the lack of job prospects for 18th century Japanese assassins down at the local labour exchange, and finds himself returning to his home town without money or gainful employment, and facing a gang of extortionist thugs threatening his poor old mother that if she doesn't find any cash they'll "burn down your f***in' house"!!! Class.

Whilst young Billy wrestles with the domestic soap opera aspects of ninja existence, his master Gordon is entangled in conflict with the startling Ivan the Red (Dave Wheeler), who possesses an amazing costume, a ludicrously macho and husky dubbed voice, and a truly sensational bass-lead theme tune. Seriously: if they release "Ivan's Theme" i predict it as Christmas number one with full confidence. Ivan's challenge to Gordon to fight to the death for NINJA SUPREMACY is spurned, and so Mr. The Red decides to take out a number of random ninjas clad in outfits of varying ludicrousness as they "train" (jump about a bit) in various neighbouring fields. Obviously, we're all waiting for the final showdown between these two ninja colossi, and we aren't disappointed.

Well, we are, to be honest, but as with all of these movies, it's the journey , not the destination, that matters. And when we've encountered such hilariously inept dialogue, thrillingly pounding basslines, and dubbing so bad it may well make you mentally ill along the way, who can possibly complain? Only the type of person who wouldn't even "revenge" their own mother.

'Ninja Squad' is a truly bizarre film. There are two main plots - the main one being about Billy, a trainee ninja who appears to live somewhere in Indonesia and whose family is being terrorised by some gangsters. He has spent the last 10 years training as a ninja under 'The Master Ninja' who, oddly enough, is a blond-haired elderly white guy in a bright pink and silver shellsuit. In fact, all the ninjas (apart from billy) are all caucasian and all wear brightly coloured shellsuits and bands across their foreheads that say 'ninja'. An evil ninja called 'Red Ivan' is going around killing ninjas to try and prove he's better than 'The Master'. 'Red Ivan', by the way, has a bright red and gold jumpsuit.

In the 'Billy' parts of the film, there isn't all that much hand-to-hand fighting - more of it is pitched gun battles. The brightly-coloured ninja bits have lots of slow-motion sword battles in them, but they're ultimately rather unsatisfying as the effects budget obviously didn't reach to fake blood.

All in all a rather odd film (with a very bizarre ending) which was quite obviously a foreign film with some weird ninja stuff tacked on. Quite enjoyable, though.