Amy Sedaris credited as playing...
Jerri Blank
- Jerri Blank: "Packing a Musket", by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk 'til you limp and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore. When they're beggin' you please to get down on your knees near their groinage, excusa me, but you see, don't you touch where they pee without coinage.
- Mr. Chuck Noblet: Thank you, Jerri...
- Jerri Blank: When I straddle and squat, to show you my...
- [Bell rings]
- Jerri Blank: Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods.
- Jerri Blank: I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis.
- Jerri Blank: I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.
- Jerri Blank: Hello. I'm Jerry Blank. 32 years ago I dropped out of High School and ran away from home. Oh, I made a lot of friends... did a lot of time. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. I stole the TV. - Did some more time. But now I'm back in school. And though the faces may have changed, the hassles are just the same.
- Father: What now, Jerri?
- Jerri Blank: I want to go home.
- Father: Fine. You're not a prisoner here. There are no bars on our electrified fences. We don't have attack dogs lurking in the alligator-infested swamps surrounding this compound.
- Father: [Holds up a sandal] Here. Call your parents, have them come and pick you up.
- Jerri Blank: That's a sandal.
- Father: More distrust, Jerri!
- Jerri Blank: Being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn't interfere with your having sex.
- Orlando Pinatubo: You should run for homecoming queen, Jerri.
- Jerri Blank: What? Are you joking? I don't think I'm what the boys consider a traditional beauty.
- Orlando Pinatubo: In my country, you'd be a real queen.
- Jerri Blank: Yeah, well, that's cause your country's ruled by monkeys.
- Orlando Pinatubo: Jerri, that's an ugly thing to say.
- Jerri Blank: Geez, why are you people so sensitive about your resemblance to monkeys? They're adorable.
- Ricky: You just gave me away?
- Jerri Blank: No, no, never. I traded you for a guitar. God, and all these years I've wondered, "What happened to that guitar?"
- Jerri Blank: What are you painting?
- Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Oh, just a little bit of Americana for Drug Awareness Week. It's the Battle of Miami. Columbus here, fighting the pilgrims as they attempt to land.
- Jerri Blank: I've changed. People change. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans... such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmann's holly bushes... last night.
- Jerri Blank: Stoney and I would go over to Buckle's and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I'd wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high. Those were some good times.
- Jerri Blank: Hey Stew, you seen my mother?
- Stew: Which one? The real one, the dead one, or the one I'm having sex with?