The Astrologer

There is a covert government agency called INTERZOD which documents "atrological potential", and tracks individuals whom they deem "astrologically privileged". The head of this agency is married to a wispy little thing who can't understand why her husband won't make love to her. Meanwhile, a man in India is being closely watched by INTERZOD, as his "astrological disadvantage" may be strong enough to consider him a potential Antichrist-type being.

It took me five years to get through my ancient VHS copy of this film, with each viewing putting me about ten minutes further into the story than my previous attempt...truly, this is one BORING little movie...that is, until you've passed the halfway-mark. My determination to finally watch this from beginning to end actually paid off...the second half puts the pieces of the puzzle together(if a tad clumsily), and renders the entire project redeemed of its terminally dull intro. It's not an especially GOOD film, but it has interesting foundations, and is surprisingly professional in its microbudget formulation. I neither wholeheartedly recommend nor dissuade viewing SUICIDE CULT, but you might opt to give yourself a five-year-plan to watch it should it fall into your hands.

5.5/10

Whenever someone asks — and they often do — "What's the craziest movie you've ever seen?" I usually respond with Suicide Cult. I've never had to pick my jaw off the floor more, as watching it felt like the little people I am certain live in my TV were putting on a magical play just for me, using the things I love best. The 1970s. Carnivals. Satanism. Biorhythms. Astrology. Government conspiracies. Religion . This is one film that honestly has it all — and then some.

People also ask me, what movies are you excited about this summer? I always answer, "NONE OF THEM!" Not when bursts of pure unknown crazy can still be unearthed from four decades in the past about psychic killers or astrologers who become giant stars that murder people! I beg you Hollywood! Let maniacs take over your films again!

Read more at bandsaboutmovies.com/2017/08/02/suicide-cult-1975

For the record, there are two films titled "The Astrologer", both released in 1975 and 1976. Both are deliriously bad. The 1976 offering is the product of Craig Denney, an auteur/egomaniac who stars in a film that boasts a script that is either an exercise in stream-of-consciousness screen writing or was conceived during an acid trip or fever dream. Denney himself seems to be a big part of this film's allure, and more can be found on him and his "masterwork" elsewhere on the net. That isn't the film being examined here. The 1975 film, directed by Jon Glickenhaus, is its own special brand of bad.

I watched this on Tubi, a service that seems to have a tendency to edit prints of horror/sci-fi films. This may be the case with "The Astrologer", but I can't say for certain, as I have no desire to seek out an uncut version. After watching enough movies--good or competent movies, that is--you instinctively know when a movie isn't up to parr. Movies that aren't show their seams, and this one has its seams showing all over the place. Copious narration that gives lengthy exposition dumps, captions that label the time and date of specific scenes, jarring jumps to different locales, and other technical things that make you suspect various people put their shovels in to edit this mess into their concept of what it should be. One thing that indicates an amateurish/inept production is the heavy use of dubbing. Most all of the secondary or minor characters are dubbed--this is glaringly evident in the scene in which the female lead, played by Monica Tidwell, visits a fortune teller, and again in the dinner scene in which leads Tidwell and Bill Byrd visit a colleague of Byrd's. Interestingly, the one actor who isn't dubbed--but should have been--was Tidwell, whose molasses-thick Louisiana accent is distracting. Tidwell, a former Playboy Playmate, wasn't cast for her vocal talent, as the nude scenes near the end clearly indicate. Casting is another millstone. The self-important subject of the US government using astrology to keep tabs on potential evil threats would, you would think, necessitate casting some name actors to plump up the flick's marquee value, but alas, no. Not even stalwarts like Joseph Cotton, Glen Ford, Donald Pleasance, or Cameron Mitchell could be procured, which speaks volumes about how low budget this thing was--those guys would appear in anything!

Instead, we get Tidwell, as mentioned earlier, Bill Byrd(who?), and the producer, sporting brown body makeup, eyeliner, and a hypnotic stare, sort of looking like a cross between Jesus and Rasputin.

It could be chalked up to a low budget or first-time director, but the whole production looks like a TV series--cheap sets, scenes supposedly set in India but looking like somebody's back yard, and heavy use of stock footage--either a money saving or run time stretching trick, who knows? The film makers also try to shoehorn too much information about government agencies, end-times conspiracies, and the titular astrology into 90 minutes or under 80 minutes, depending on the cut you're viewing. One thing that can be said in this film's favor is that it isn't boring--it lurches from overheated melodrama to exposition dumps to lengthy uses of stock footage to lengthy closeups of the producer as the bad guy to gratuitous gypsy dancing to Monica Tidwell naked. The ultimate question is this: why haven't the crew of RiffTraxx seized on this?

Astrologist Alexei Abarnel (Bob Byrd) is the head of the InterZod institute which uses an array of telescopes and computers to take in information of the skys and apply it to individuals and measure the Zodiatic Potential (or ZP) of specific individuals to measure they propensity for good and evil. As Alexei analyzes information that can hopefully lead him to the Second coming, the intstitute also notes a violent cult leader in India named Kajerste (Mark Buntzman) who might be the anti-christ.

The Astrologer (later released as The Suicide Cult) is the first film made by noted producer/director James Glickenhaus who'd later be better known for his action films such as Exterminator and The Soldier as well as producing or distributing various cult b-films like Maniac Cop or Frankenhooker. Using $20,000 he inherited, Glickenhaus acquired the rights to his father in law John Cameron's novel The Astrologer. After failing to find a distributor, Glickenhaus eventually traveled around the Southern United States and showcased the film at various drive-ins over a period of nine months with not much success. Glickenhaus has gone on to acknowledge the film was not very good and said it played a factor in his focus towards more action oriented material like The Exterminator which he'd deliberately designed to have more action and less dialogue than The Astrologer. Glickenhaus would eventually sell the film to 21st Century Film Corporation who'd re-edit and re-title it as The Suicide Cult hoping to capitalize on the then recent Jonestown tragedy, but whether this was successful or not I can't say. Whether you call it The Astrologer or The Suicide Cult, the movie's a very silly and often roughly produced exercise for a first time director.

From a rambling opening narration that clumsily establishes InterZod, Alexei Abarnel, and the context of searching for the Second Coming, the movie feels very flabby and directionless with no real story or plot going on and instead just a directionless series of events that happen. There's many scenes of Alexei in board meetings or viewing film footage in a darkened board room and the focus of the film in the first half hour bounces around different times and locations with the grace of a needle skipping on a record. I guess there's some unintentional hilarity to be had from the fact the movie is taking its whole astrology focus so seriously even trying to tie it in with political machinations of Washington D. C., but there's so little actual conflict in this film that until the last 15 minutes it never feels like anything is actually at stake and even then not really and capped off with a moment of unintentional humor.

This is prime bad movie fodder and if it weren't for the ample supply of nudity it would've appeared on MST3K a long time ago. For bad movie fans, this will be a treat.

Do you know that feeling when you already sat halfway through a certain movie, and then you suddenly realize you still don't have the slightest clue what it's about or where the plot is heading towards to? I have, and it's usually very frustrating, but for some inexplicable reason, it wasn't too frustrating during "The Astrologer".

This obscure and low-budgeted mid-70s oddity manages to be terribly bad and incomprehensible, and yet strangely compelling all at once! The common sense functions of my brain wanted to stop watching, or at least push the fast-forward button, at several points throughout the movie, but I just couldn't. From what I gather, both a self-acclaimed scientific genius and an evil Indian hypnotist are looking for a girl who shares her exact same time of birth with that of the Virgin Mary, because she's able to conceive the Second Coming. Or something... The scientist found her, and it's the lovely looking Monica Tidwell. He even married the girl but refuses to have sex with her, because immaculate conception needs to take place. Or something...

You should probably look for an accurate plot description elsewhere or try to decipher source novel by John Cameron (not James...). All I can say is that "The Astrologer" is worth seeing for fans of 70s cult/trash, if only for the gratuitous nude sequences of Tidwell (the poor girl even must undress for a fortune telling) and a few random but gory kills. It's also the debut of James Glickenhaus, who would later direct a couple of modest cult horror/action hits like "The Exterminator", "The Soldier" and "McBain".