- [Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
- Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
- Colonel: What is it, son?
- Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
- Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
- Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
- Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
- Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
- Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
- Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
- Baseball Umpire: Two balls.
- [looking up from game]
- Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
- Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention.
- Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...
- Musician: Willie.
- Willie: Yeah?
- Musician: What's that?
- Willie: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
- Colonel: Johnson.
- Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
- Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
- Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.
- Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?
- Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numbnuts.
- Austin: Who sent you?
- Mustafa: You have to kill me.
- Austin: Who sent you?
- Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!
- Austin: Who sent you?
- Mustafa: Dr. Evil.
- Felicity Shagwell: [Surprised] That was easy.
- Austin: That was easy.
- Felicity Shagwell: Why did you tell us?
- Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It just irritates me.
- Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
- Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
- Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
- Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
- Austin: Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
- Mustafa: Damn, three times. He's hiding in his secret volcano lair.
- Austin: Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
- Mustafa: [spits] I spit at that question.
- Austin: Do I really have to ask you two more times?
- Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.
- Austin: Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
- Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me!
- Felicity Shagwell: Ah ha! You have to answer. He asked you three times.
- Mustafa: No no no! The second question was 'Do I really have to ask you two more times?'. So that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
- Austin: He's right.
- Scott: [both on the Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!
- Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott!
- Scott: Why did you run out on me?
- Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
- [audience boos]
- Dr. Evil: Well it's true! It's true! You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
- [Driving on an English road]
- Austin: You know what's remarkable? Is how much England looks in no way like Southern California.
- Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
- Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...
- Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...
- Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?
- Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?
- Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...
- Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...
- Peanut Vendor: Lord Almighty!
- Woman: That looks just like my husband's...
- Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!
- Cyclops: RARRR.
- Cyclops: Hey, what's that? It looks like a...
- Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?
- Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!
- Fan: It's so huge.
- Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...
- Dr. Evil: Just a little prick.
- The President: Jiminy Jumpin' Jesus, I can't believe we're gonna pay that madman. I got nukes out the ying-yang. Just let me launch one, for God's sake.
- Commander Gilmour: Sir. Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
- The President: Would you miss it?
- [looks around the table]
- The President: Would you miss it?
- Dr Evil: Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, or save your girlfriend.
- Felicity Shagwell: Austin!
- Past Austin: Felicity!
- Felicity Shagwell: Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
- Austin: [arrives from the time machine] I choose love, baby!
- Past Austin: Wait a tick. Who are you?
- Austin: I'm you ten minutes from now.
- Past Austin: Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!
- Austin: [laughs] I was just thinking the same.
- Past Austin: We are sexy!
- Austin: We are sexy bitches, yes!
- Dr Evil: Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!
- [massaging Felicity]
- Austin: How does that feel, baby?
- Felicity Shagwell: Mmm, lower.
- Austin: [deep voice] How does that feel, baby?
- Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.
- Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
- Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
- Dr Evil: Probably.
- Dr. Evil: Mini-Me, no, we don't gnaw on our kitty. Leave Mini- no! Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone. Just love him, stroke him.
- Fat Bastard: Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead.
- [on the verge of tears]
- Fat Bastard: I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive. Myself.
- Fat Bastard: [Farts] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead.
- Austin: I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy, was a fembot all along. Wait a tick, that means I'm single again! Oh behave!
- [first lines]
- Narrator: [text is rendered in the manner of a "Star Wars" opening crawl] Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, was frozen in 1967 and defrosted in the Nineties to battle his nemesis, Dr. Evil. After foiling his archenemy's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth, Austin banished Dr. Evil to the cold recesses of space and settled down with his new wife, Vanessa, to live happily ever after. Or so he thought...
- Austin: [referring to Felicity sleeping with Fat Bastard] Well, how could you do it?
- Felicity Shagwell: I was just doing my job.
- Austin: No, I mean, literally, HOW could you do it? The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.
- Felicity Shagwell: Look, don't try to lay your hang-ups on me just 'cause you lost your mojo.
- Austin: Ouch, baby. Very ouch.
- Austin: Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, presumeably, I could go back and visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to.
- [goes cross-eyed]
- Austin: Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
- Basil: I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.
- [to camera]
- Basil: That goes for you all, too.
- Austin: Yes.
- Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.
- The President: What hand? Talk to your hand?
- Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.
- The President: What are you talking about?
- Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.
- [snaps fingers]
- Dr. Evil: Mmhmm.
- The President: Whose girlfriend?
- Dr. Evil: Don't mess with me. I'm one crazy mo-fo. I had to pop a cop 'cause he wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown. No? I heard that somewhere.
- Scott: You're an idiot.
- [Dr. Evil raps to Mini Me, to the tune of "Just The Two of Us"]
- Dr. Evil: From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.
- Dr. Evil: Mini Me, stop humping the "laser". Honest to God! Why don't you and the giant "laser" get a fricken room for God's sakes?
- Rebecca Romijn: Austin Powers, I've heard a lot about you. I'm Rebecca Romijn. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
- Austin: Well, of course you haven't had the pleasure, Rebecca. We just met, baby, yeah.
- Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby?
- Felicity Shagwell: You can start by buying me a drink.
- Felicity Shagwell: I want to see what happens in the 70s and 80s.
- Austin: The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything, believe me. I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock of Seagulls. That's about it.
- Felicity Shagwell: Austin Powers, I presume.
- Austin: Powers by name, powers by reputation.
- Felicity Shagwell: Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.
- Austin: Oh, be-have.
- Felicity Shagwell: Not if I can help it.
- Felicity Shagwell: So Austin, tell me about the future.
- Austin: Well everyone has their own flying car, entire meals come in pill form, and the Earth is run by damn dirty apes.
- Felicity Shagwell: Oh my God!
- Frau Farbissina: [both on the Springer show] Scott, you are my love child with Dr.Evil.
- Scott: I thought I was a test tube baby.
- Frau Farbissina: Lies. All lies!
- Austin: Let me ask you a question. And be honest. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you randy?
- Ivana: [gets up from the table] No more games. Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you, but I find you so
- [pause]
- Ivana: sexy! Just make love to me. Now, Austin Powervich! Hurry!
- [Austin rips his shirt open]
- Ivana: Oh, you are hairy like animal!
- Austin: Grr, baby! Very grr!
- Ivana: Make love to me, monkey man!
- Dr. Evil: Any ways, the key to this plan is the giant laser. It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project.
- Scott: Oh, my God.
- Dr. Evil: What now?
- Scott: The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just name it 'Operation Wang-Chung'? Ass.
- Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, i don't...
- Scott: Oh nothing. I'm sure 'Operation Bananarama' will be huge.
- [Mini Me's chair is malfunctioning and he's thrown into the rafters]
- Dr. Evil: Mini Me? Where are you? Could someone put a fricken bell on him or something?
- Austin: [the guard has just fallen in molten lava] What a burn.
- [laughs]
- Austin: That sort of thing could get a man fired.
- [laughs]
- Austin: I think he was hot for you.
- [laughs]
- Felicity Shagwell: That's enough.
- Austin: Yeah.
- Robin Swallows: My name is Robin Swallows.
- Austin: Swallows - that's an interesting name.
- Robin Swallows: Maiden name's Spitz.
- Austin: Which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?
- Dr. Evil: Mr. President, after I destroy Washington D.C. I will destroy another major city every hour on the hour. That is, unless, of course, you pay me
- [emphasis]
- Dr. Evil: one hundred billion dollars.
- The President: [bursts with laughter] Dr. Evil, this is 1969! That amount of money doesn't even exist.
- [laughing]
- The President: That's like saying,
- [with changed voice]
- The President: "I want a kajillion bajillion dollars."
- Dr. Evil: All right. Zip it.
- Scott: You know, you can't even...
- Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zip.
- Scott: Look, all I'm...
- Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.
- Scott: Number Two, would you please back me up?
- Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!
- Scott: Ugh. I can't...
- Dr. Evil: [to the tune of Devo's "Whip It"] When a problem comes along, you must zip it!
- Dr. Evil: [imitates whip] Zip it good!
- Scott: Frau, would you please - ?
- Dr. Evil: [speaks Japanese] Subtitle: "Zip it".
- Scott: I'm just trying to...
- Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?
- Dr. Evil: Mojo: The libido. The life force. The essence. The right stuff. What the French call a certain... I don't know what.