- Drew Utley: Being tired of seeing the strong pick on the weak, we the P.U.N.K.S. are hereby united for one solemn, secret purpose: to protect the underdog with nerve, knowledge, strength.
- Lanny Nygren: [dressed up like an adult, ordering a drink from a bar] Umm, chocolate milk... On the rocks.
- Drew Utley: First things first: we have to swear in new members.
- Miles Kitchen: [pulling Drew to the side, whispering] What about...
- Samantha Swoboda: [interrupting, leaning over Miles and Drew] ... the G.I.R.L.?
- Drew Utley: [holding a container of Grey Poupon in front of a fan] Stay back, or I'll Poupon you!
- [laughs]
- Drew Utley: Get it? Poop-on-you?
- Edward Crow: Hey, you know what we're gonna do this weekend? We're gonna take the corporate jet, and we're gonna go squirrel hunting. You wanna come, Utley? Huh?
- [taking a gun and aiming it at Utley's head]
- Edward Crow: A gun like this, almost shoots itself.
- Pat Utley: [nervously] Wh-what's the sport in that?
- Edward Crow: It's the way I like it. Would you go back to work?
- [points to his stuffed crow]
- Edward Crow: My bird hates your cologne.
- Miles Kitchen: I'm in Radio Shack heaven! Electronics, amps, transmitters, receivers, robotics, surveillance equipment! Can I borrow a few parts? I'm gonna come up with a science project to beat that Marty Spengler.
- Jonny Pasiotopolis: Lofty goal.
- Samantha Swoboda: Who's the guy eatin' Styrofoam?
- Drew Utley: That would be Lanny.
- Lanny Nygren: Um, it's a rice cake. High in complex carbohydrates, uh, less than a gram of fat and uh, six grams of fiber. I just... thought you should know, you weren't even close.
- Samantha Swoboda: And, uh, where'd you get this one, the weinie factory?
- Miles Kitchen: Excuse me! I have an IQ of 160.
- Samantha Swoboda: [mockingly] Oh really? Well, I've got a calculator!
- Samantha Swoboda: This is it. My dad's been sick for a while, so I've been picking up some of his repo jobs on the sly. I've tagged along so many of these, I can do 'em in my sleep.
- Miles Kitchen: Isn't this stealing?
- Samantha Swoboda: Not if you don't pay your bills. See, you've got your master keys, your lockpicks, your right angle screwdrivers, your extractors, and of course, the modified slim jim.
- Miles Kitchen: If we get the Augmentor, can I enter it in the science fair?
- Drew Utley: Let's get it first, Miles, okay?
- Miles Kitchen: Can't you just see the look on Spengler's face when I unveil it?
- Jonny Pasiotopolis: You are such a nerd.
- Jonny Pasiotopolis: This is the bomb! We could sell this for a fortune!
- Drew Utley: Whoa, Jonny. This is classified intelligence. I mean we should be camouflaging this.
- Samantha Swoboda: Yo, wouldn't it be phat if we painted it like cherry red with flames?
- Miles Kitchen: It's an Augmentor, not a Camaro.
- Samantha Swoboda: So what's your idea, wastoid?
- Drew Utley: Hey, wait, wait everybody! Knock it off you guys!
- Samantha Swoboda: What are you looking at?
- Miles Kitchen: I don't know. Thought it was a girl, but uh, I'm open to suggestions.
- Miles Kitchen: I say we give up Samantha and Jonny like ugly stepkids. It's their their stinkin' prints muckin' up the works!
- Samantha Swoboda: [fires a spitball at him] Yeah right. We are not goin' down without our accomplices. We'll name names.
- Miles Kitchen: I told you she was trouble! She's evil!
- Samantha Swoboda: We better crash at your guys' place for a while in case they come after us.
- Miles Kitchen: Oh sure. 'Hi Mom, Dad. This fourteen-year-old girl, she's just sleeping over tonight. Don't mind me, I'll be upstairs, in my room, *entering puberty*!' Are you nuts?
- Drew Utley: [being chased by a car] Yo, Base, this is Drew! I've got a situation here! They're creeping up on me like a pair of lady's underwear. Any ideas?