- Drew Carey: Oh, you hate your job? Oh my god, well why didn't you say so? You know there's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar!
- Nigel Wick: Carey, are you familiar with the TV show 'Survivor'?
- Drew Carey: Yeah.
- Nigel Wick: Good. Today we're going to play the office version of 'Survivor'. Every employee is going to vote for someone who they want to be fired. Whoever gets the most votes, gets fired! Oh, but you can't vote for me, I'm English. I've already been kicked off an island.
- Drew Carey: I think I should help people.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: That's good. My uncle was a general at the Salvation Army, until he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Good Will Store. There was blood and platform shoes everywhere...
- Lewis Kiniski: Man, it must be weird thinking you're going to lunch with someone and you end up going to their funeral.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe.
- Drew Carey: Is that the most terrible sound you've ever heard?
- Lewis Kiniski: Have you ever tried to start your car with a cat sleeping on the intake manifold?
- Drew Carey: No.
- Lewis Kiniski: Then yes, that's the worst sound you ever heard.
- Lewis Kiniski: I am sick of hearing about poor Drew. "Oh, my house is too big, I have too many wives! I just clogged up my toilet 'cause I crapped a solid gold brick!"
- [Kate makes an impossible shot during a game of pool]
- Drew Carey: I swear you were born in a pool hall.
- Kate O'Brien: No, Drew, I told you... I was born in the wagon of a traveling show... Momma used to dance for the money they'd throw.
- [Drew awakes from his coma]
- Drew Carey: How long was I out for?
- Lewis Kiniski: A long time, Drew. It's 2137. I'm the great-grandson of Lewis Kiniski, the first human emperor. Unfortunately, you are my slave.
- Drew Carey: Kate, how long was I really out for?
- Lewis Kiniski: Silence, slave!
- [Lewis's mother just told Drew that Lewis has an I.Q. of 162]
- Drew Carey: I'm going to have to tell him. Maybe now, he'll know why he has so much trouble connecting with people. I just hope he takes it well.
- [cut to an outside shot of Drew's house]
- Lewis Kiniski: BOW DOWN BEFORE MY GIANT BRAIN.
- [laughs hysterically]
- [Mimi kicked Steve out]
- Drew Carey: So, where are you staying?
- Steve Carey: A hotel.
- Drew Carey: You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.
- Steve Carey: Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?
- Steve Carey: Really?
- Lewis Kiniski: Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.
- [Steve and Mimi moved their trailer into Drew's backyard]
- Drew Carey: I couldn't sleep last night. The rocking trailer kept me up.
- Steve Carey: Oh, sorry.
- Drew Carey: And, then, the screaming started.
- Steve Carey: What was that?
- Drew Carey: That was me, when I realized what was going on in the trailer!
- Drew Carey: I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.
- [Clemens brings a horse into Drew's backyard]
- Drew Carey: Hey, Clemens, I got a riddle for you. What has four legs and shouldn't be in my backyard?
- Greg Clemens: Oswald and Lewis.
- Drew Carey: Ok, what has the I.Q. of...
- [looks at Oswald and Lewis]
- Drew Carey: What smells like...
- [looks at Oswald and Lewis]
- Drew Carey: What craps standing...
- [looks at Oswald and Lewis]
- Drew Carey: Get that damn horse out of my backyard!
- Drew Carey: I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you have that and the Sex Channel, they put you in some sort of file.
- [discussing marriage]
- Lewis Kinski: The closest I ever got to an altar was when my uncle tried to sacrifice me to the corn gods to make the crops grow.
- Mimi Bobeck: Ah, spring. When a young man's fancy turns my stomach.
- Drew Carey: When was the last time you saw a young man's fancy?
- Mimi Bobeck: When was the last time you saw *your* fancy?
- [Drew and his scouts are singing a "special" song]
- Drew Carey: Who's that in the office, stinking up the place? Mimi! Mimi! Your butt looks like your face!
- [Drew realizes that he's the only one singing]
- Drew Carey: What the hell are you?
- Timmy: A good scout never insults people.
- Drew Carey: Yeah, but that's thing, Timmy.
- [gestures towards Mimi]
- Drew Carey: That's not people.
- Mimi Bobeck: You know, kids, Drew's head is just like a piñata. If you hit his head enough times when he's sleeping, candy comes out.
- [the kids gasp]
- Mimi Bobeck: Well, first blood, then candy. Keep hitting.
- [discussing Drew's cyber date]
- Kate O'Brien: Yeah, is pathetisad a word?
- Drew Carey: Hey, whatever BeerStud3 and HoneyBee23 do is their own business.
- Kate O'Brien: Beer stud? Forget pathetisad, is weirdork a word?
- Drew Carey: How bout sarcastibitch.
- Drew Carey: [to Lewis and Oswald] Boy, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Making prank phone calls to a guy who just took an arrow through his scrotum without asking if papa's gonna get a brand new bag!
- Lewis Kiniski: Ah nuts.
- [Drew's in a coma]
- Steve Carey: Is he going to live?
- Doctor: Well, he could just wake up, or he'll need a shock to his system.
- Steve Carey: A shock...
- [turns to Mimi]
- Steve Carey: Honey, this is your department.
- Drew Carey: They always spell my name wrong on my paycheck! Look at what it says: "Drew Fairy". Last week, it was "Screw Carey".
- Lewis Kiniski: Looks like every week it's Screw Carey.
- Kate O'Brien: Oswald, how do I look?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: On the Oswald Harvey scale... I'd give you a six.
- Kate O'Brien: Oswald!
- Drew Carey: Don't worry Kate, it only goes up to six.
- Kate O'Brien: Oh.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: It starts at three.
- [a depressed Drew thinks he's been fired, and sings "High Hopes"]
- Drew Carey: [sobbing and singing] I've got high hopes, I've got... high hopes. I've got... high apple pie-in-the...
- [sniffs]
- Drew Carey: ... sky hopes...
- [to on-looking workers]
- Drew Carey: EVERYBODY!... Every time you're feeling low, here's the way to go... just remember that ant... Oops, there goes ten years of my life!
- [a replica of Cleveland made from Legos blocks his path]
- Drew Carey: My hero, Gandhi, would find a non-violent solution. My other hero, Godzilla, would do this.
- [crashes through Legos]
- Steve Carey: Bro, I wanted to tell you something for a long time... I play for the other team.
- Lewis Kiniski: I knew it, he's gay.
- Steve Carey: No, I mean the other softball team. And, if you think I'm gay, well... talk to the hand.
- [sticks out his hand]
- Lewis Kiniski: [to Steve's hand] Oh, hello.
- Steve Carey: Look, dad, this isn't easy for us.
- Drew Carey: Can't you, at least, make an effort?
- George Carey: Now, you listen to me. While most guys were pushing pencils, I was torching commies out of caves in Korea. I've worked at a job I hated for 40 years. I've raised two boys. I'm tired, damn it! I just want to lay there and get mine!
- Kate O'Brien: I can't believe Oswald has a son.
- Drew Carey: I know. I feel bad for the kid. You grow up thinking your dad's Neil Armstrong. Instead, you get Forrest Gump.
- Steve Carey: Hey, Mimi, I found something that'll help you get pregnant.
- Drew Carey: [to Steve] A blindfold for your penis?
- Drew Carey: We have to tell Oswald the truth eventually. I mean, we can't just keep distracting him with shiny objects... Ok, we can, but we got to stop doing that.
- Drew Carey: Oh, my god. I realized why I screwed up my life. I always wanted attention. I'm a pity whore!
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Aww, Drew...
- Drew Carey: No! Do not pity the whore!
- [In a bar, Mr. Wick gives the check to Mimi]
- Mimi Bobeck: A lady never pays!
- Nigel Wick: A lady doesn't shave her armpits in the car, on the way over.
- [Drew and Mr. Wick are about to get married in Vermont]
- Nigel Wick: Penny for your thoughts?
- Drew Carey: I wish I would have died on the toilet last night.
- Kate O'Brien: My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews.
- Nigel Wick: I want your pee on my desk by the end of the afternoon.
- Drew Carey: Oh, I'll pee on your desk.
- Nigel Wick: In a cup.
- Drew Carey: Oh, I'll pee in a cup.
- Nigel Wick: Not my coffee cup.
- Drew Carey: Oh, I just like talking like this because it makes you nervous.
- Drew Carey: Using a ten minute bathroom break is fine. Using to pee off the side of the building is not.
- Employee: I hit the side of the building across the alley.
- Drew Carey: I don't care if you... wow, really?
- [Drew is kicking Mr. Wick out of his house]
- Drew Carey: You're still here? You know, you people have been kicked out of so many countries you'd think you'd be better at packing.
- Nigel Wick: Well, it helps when we're at gunpoint.
- Drew Carey: That can be arranged...
- Roscoe Harvey: Yeah, you're the kind of guy who'd give up his pudding real easy in the joint.
- Drew Carey: B-By pudding you mean my... man-flower?
- Roscoe Harvey: Uhh, no I mean your pudding. It's a dessert.
- Nigel Wick: Uhh, Lewis. I know this is an awkward proposition but I need to use your apartment for the night...
- [points to attractive blonde at his table, and Lewis stares at him]
- Nigel Wick: And 50$.
- Lewis Kiniski: 50$? Hey, 20$ gets you an apartment! 50$ gets you a photographer! A 100$ gets you no photographer.
- Drew Carey: Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!
- Drew Carey: Ask me about my day, I dare you.
- Lewis Kiniski: Drew, how was your day?
- Drew Carey: You're not sincere enough.
- [points to Oswald]
- Drew Carey: YOU! Ask me about my day.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Drew, how was your day?
- Drew Carey: Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.
- Lewis Kiniski: Come on, everybody. Drew can't make bail. If everyone pitches in $10...
- [blank stares from bar patrons]
- Kate O'Brien: All right, ten bucks to hear about the night I spent in a women's prison!
- Mrs. Louder: Mimi! You're fired.
- Mimi Bobeck: For what?
- Mrs. Louder: For having the nerve to ask me to speak at a seminar for "Women in their 90's".
- Mimi Bobeck: You're reading it wrong. It's supposed to say "Women in the 90's."
- Mrs. Louder: Oh, well count me in, then.
- [leaves]
- Mimi Bobeck: [to Drew] Actually, it really was supposed to say "Women in their 90's".
- Drew Carey: I'm tired of being the hall monitor. I want to be the stoner who gets the art teacher knocked up.
- Lewis Kiniski: How about this? You kiss ass at a drug company for fifteen years, you let one little strand of bacteria slip that causes a major disease, and suddenly, it's good bye lab coat, hello mop.