South Beach Academy

A romp on the beach promising and delivering beautiful breasts.

Too many movies promise and don't provide more than a few moments. Others portray nudity and human interactions negatively. In this movie any negative treatment is rapidly slapped away. For those who see the beauty in nudity, the overall impression is of positive vibes and joyous, loving relationships having fun on the beach.

This is not the worst movie ever made. No, wait, this is the worst movie ever made. In a scene between two brother, Corey Feldman delivers the immortal line "I like breasts, fake breasts." He seems to be echoing the thought of the filmmakers who put breasts, either naked or covered with a bikini top in nearly every scene. There are also 40 or 50 shots of the backsides of different women in thongs. The plot has something to do with a gambler, a bet and a woman's volley ball team, but the plot is just an excuse to parade dozens of scantily clad women in front of the camera. It is a little sad seeing Al Lewis, who must have been in his late 80's here. He was a fine comic actor (see the television series, "Car 54 Where Are You"). He deserved better.

The movie is too leering and sneering for women and too tame and lame for men, and too witless for both men and women.

Actually, if a fashion designer student wanted to know what bikinis were popular in Miami in the 1990's, this would be the perfect movie to watch.

I've had a mini-poster of this one ever since I saw it advertising the flick and begged it from the owner, but never saw the actual movie. So recently I went for it after downloading the trailer and seeing all those G-strings, so, yes, market researchers, making trailers available on the Net is Great Advertising, and, yes, market researchers, sex, and nudity, sells big-time.

My imported DVD, a Red Carpet Special, was a double bill feature, and I was worried about the running partner being dorky, but not too worried, as it was another Corey Feldman movie, ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER which I thought night well be perhaps just like a naughty episode of BEVERLY HILLS 90210.

Don't I wish!

For all of those of you who go blech!!! over SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY, go watch RARHSF. You'll come crawling back to dear old SBA on your hands and knees, kissing its feet!

In both movies, Corey Feldman is the epitome of white trash. This is because Corey Feldman lives to be the epitome of white trash on film.

But SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY, though light on dim- witted plot, at least has something to look at almost the whole time as you struggle through the inane script. Unfortunately, contrary to most expectations, there aren't many breasts in this movie, so don't be fooled by the other reviewers, who are sadly mistaken by the gamut of surgical creations that have usurped the spaces once held by natural appendages. Hell, girls, all of you in this movie, you're damn pretty things, with your long legs, slinky midriffs, long, long hair, and those curvy asses, but really! You had to go and get yourself all cut up for yucky implants?

Fortunately there are loads of rear views! And great ones at that!

The script stinks! The movie stinks! Corey Feldman is a low-down stinker! Should have been shot after this miserable performance!

But it is a hundred times better than that projectile vomit inane schoolboy comedy ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER. This one might well be the absolute bottom of the barrel, but ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER is what is stuck underneath that barrel on a hot summer's day and you wouldn't want that to stick to your shoes.

One obtains SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY to watch the girls. As such, there is plenty of fine damsels, even if there are too many boobjobs. Don't expect anything more from it than titillation.

The opening credits of the movie is really all you need, boys. Just take away all that pesky names of stupid actors, and that irritating beach ball, and put it on Repeat over and over and over, hell, few guys, except you budding Einsteins, would complain. Gee, I should have designed this titles' DVD presentation. Could have done away with the lame plot altogether.

What did I like? Plenty of dream girls, the lead actress held possibilities, but she was undermined by the poor script. And Ron Jeremy uncredited! But the very, very best thing is newcomer Julia Lynn Cialini, a Playboy centerfold. Hey, she could have been in MELROSE PLACE! She is one of the few girls here not seen nude, pity! but her performance as the sexually overt Phyllis Glass could only have sunk her chances at crossing over to mainstream. Which is a shame, as she'd have been formidable competition for contemporaries Christina Applegate and Nikki Cox (MARRIED WITH CHILDREN and UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER respectively). Wasted opportunity, Hollywood!

I should have been a casting agent...

I wince when those volleyball-playing girls hit the sand. Beach sand, but they obviously get hurt. And there seems to be a fetish for that in this movie. Fake boobs, bare butts, and girls diving for the ball, hitting the sand. Ouch!

Avoid that Rock and Roll thing like the plague. And kill Corey Feldman.

I think that there are some people - not a lot, but certainly SOME people - who would really enjoy "South Beach Academy". There are a lot of women in bikinis, and the movie also has a number of these ladies taking off their tops at regular intervals. But I think most viewers would want some substance along with these gorgeous women, and that's what the movie is lacking - SERIOUSLY lacking. The plot, concerning an athletic competition to decide ownership of the title place, is old hat, and is executed with no cleverness or energy. The movie boasts some recognizable stars, such as porn legend Ron Jeremy and James Hong, but these actors can't do much to liven things up. The headline star - Corey Feldman - has a part that has absolutely no real bearing on the story or other characters. It's as if the production was desperate to have a star big enough as Feldman that they did a last minute rewrite to fit him in. At least he got a free trip to Florida.

"South Beach Academy" is one of the few movies that I am embarrassed to admit having seen. I write these comments not to provide any intellectual critique of the film (for there was literally very little to comment on), but to serve as a warning for any fool just about to go and spend a couple of bucks renting it on video.

Only diehard Corey Feldman fans would ever go near this stinker, and even they are bound to be disappointed. Feldman is a genuinely talented actor with a sharp wit, and one can sense throughout this film that even he is taking it all with a grain of salt. He delivered sensational performances in "Stand By Me" and "The Goonies" (among others), and in a way it is sad to see him in this woeful exploitation movie.

The plot is too simple and idiotic for words, so I will not deal with it here. Indeed, there simply isn't much plot to comment on. Something about a beach and a volleyball game - I couldn't elaborate, because it seemed that I was dropping in and out of a coma while watching the film. The acting from everyone apart from Feldman is wooden (and Feldman is brought down a couple of notches as a result), and the only laughs I got from this show were at the expense of the actors themselves, (if such a term is allowable).

I'm an admirer of the 'bad film' genre, and "South Beach Academy" is certainly a bad film, but its problem is that it tries a little too hard to be a good film. The characters are confused - they don't know whether to act or to ham, and they end up doing a curiously amusing combination of the two.

But let's get one thing straight - the film contains scene after scene of gratuitous nudity, which seems to be its main selling point. The question here is - why bother? Dozens of this type of film have already been produced, and if you're really into that sort of thing, just find a movie on late-night television - there's bound to be one showing soon.

I am angry and frustrated that I lost a couple of valuable hours of my life watching this rubbish. If this review dissuades any potential viewer from renting the video, I shall be a happy man.