Bikini Summer III: South Beach Heat

Pretty girls, pin sharp lighting and photography, stunning setting in Miami. Stupid plot, but what the hell, so had most of Roger Moore's Bond films.

Plenty of tits and bums from all three female leads and the occasional glimpse of pubic hair. The male characters are pretty pathetic, but hell I'm not interested in them.

A nice way to unwind after a stressful day.

And Heather Elizabeth Parkhurst does get them out for the lads.

This movie is pure and simple stroke material. Nothing more and nothing less. Especially if you are 14.

A plethora of super hot, flat stomached, implanted, nose jobbed, babes who can't act parade around in too-small bikinis (or less) for 90 minutes.

The acting is horrendous -- especially the men who are the pits and the stereo typed flamer who somehow seems to like girls a bit too much for his character.

But none of that matters because we haven't come here for Shakespeare. We are waiting patiently for the interlude moments when those babes take off every widdle bit of their clothing. In that, the movie delivers every time.

Heather Elizabeth Parkhurst (from "Sherman Oaks", who'll be referred to as "HEP" in this review for ease of typing) burns like yesterdays garbage in this barely above average skin flick. She's the makeup girl at a bikini contest, and is prodded by the choreographer (Hector or something like that) to slap on a bikini and enter the contest after he sees her dance. The problem is, however, she's engaged and doesn't want her fiancee to know she's been parading around in a bikini in front of drooling beach dudes. He hires a detective to follow her around, just to make sure she's not doing anyone while he's gone. This movie has promise, but two (rather three) things stick out that make this movie go from an A- (what I wanted to give it) to a B- (what it truly deserves)

1. The "Hector" character. This guy is supposed to be the stereotypical gay man, dressing in effeminate gear and speaking with a lisp. But he does it so badly that there's probably a lot of people that would be outraged at the poor portrayal of this character. Plain and simple, the guy can't act.

2. HEP's fiancee. He's a very stiff actor and it looks on-screen like his words don't match up with his mouth movements, almost like someone is reading his lines for him. He shows very little emotion and is void of talent overall. Plain and simple, the guy can't act.

3. The cheesy music. HEP's "dance" tune (it's the only song she'll dance to, she insists on that) is a very cheesy song that tries to sound sexy. The rest of the songs in the movie suck badly as well. The soundtrack quality is barely above that of an old 70's porn movie.

And let's not talk about the sex scenes....short and unfulfilling. HEP doesn't even get naked in the movie (what I originally watched it to see). Did I mention HEP also got an associate producer credit in this movie? She's on her way to becoming Richard Gabai. If you want to see the best that the Bikini Summer series has to offer, check out Bikini Summer 2. This one is good, but its many shortcomings prevent it from being great B-movie fare.