- Mulligan: Do you know what I do to guys who quote unquote "sleep" with my wife?
- Nathanial Mayweather: Talk about your discomfort over a cup of hot cocoa?
- Mulligan: Clooooooooose. I cut off their heads with a nail clipper.
- Nathanial Mayweather: I just don't get it! She seems totally uninterested in me, despite my smothering obsessiveness!
- Cupcake: Now I know what you're thinking. "What could be stranger than a big fatass floatin' cupcake?" Heh. How about one that spits tobacco?
- Nathanial Mayweather: I'm sorry, sir. I was just pondering what drifter's corpse you stole those shoes from.
- Nathanial Mayweather: Oh, cappy, tell me about all of this. Tell me about the sea. What does it mean to you?
- Captain Greybar: Basically, money. I come from six generations of seamen all with the same goal in life: catch fish, sell 'em, get drunk, and get laid.
- Trina: What happened to you?
- Nathanial Mayweather: Well, let's just say I've finally shed my feminine side, like a snake sheds its fur.
- Captain Greybar: [singing] When I go ashore and get my pay, I'll go and meet my Essie May. She'll hike her skirt and toss her shoe. She'll clean my pipes, my buddies' too. Don't need a church to find my way 'cause I've found heaven with Essie May.
- Nathanial Mayweather: Paps, you've been like the drunken, abusive grandfather I never had.
- Paps: Ah, stop that. You'll have my glass eye foggin' over.
- Nathanial Mayweather: I overheard the captain saying it would be jolly-jack splendid to spend a fortnight or two in Hawaii
- Kenny: Yea... that sounds like the captain... you do good impressions
- Trina: Are you sure this is what you want?
- Nathanial Mayweather: Yeah! I am sure. I've permanently yanked the silver spoon from my mouth, and I buried it 6,000 miles beneath the Earth's crust.
- [pause]
- Nathanial Mayweather: I mean, figuratively speaking, of course. I mean, who could do such a thing? That would be insane.