Frosty Returns

It's funny. Usually if we love a Christmas special as children, we'll be loyal to it forever. But I suppose there's exceptions to every rule and for me, Frosty Returns is that exception. I loved it to death when I was little-Miss Carbuncle cracked me up ("Where there's snow there's slush, and where there's slush there's ice, and where there's ice there's broken hips, and where there's broken hips there's substitute teachers!!"). She still does, as a matter of fact, but the rest of the show is just bad.

Frosty Returns is about-you guessed it-Frosty the Snowman returning. He acts nothing like he did in the original, spouting out things that seem to be jokes and dancing at completely random times. Strangely, it seems he can survive without his hat now. In the town of Beansboro he meets up with Holly DeCarlo. Holly wants to be a magician and she isn't really unlikeable, but her only friend is a token nerd named Charles. About five seconds after she and Frosty meet up, they find out a product called Summer Wheeze is being used by everyone in town. Basically, it's an aerosol spray that melts snow in seconds and creates instant spring. From then on Holly and Charles try to both save Frosty and stop Summer Wheeze.

You won't find any mention of Christmas here. Winter is the thing being saved. The word that annoys me is SAVED. The way Holly and Frosty talk about Summer Wheeze, you'd think it was bottled AIDs designed to wipe out dangerous minorities. And it's maker, Mr. Twichell, is the made out to be the epitome of evil-from the horrible way he's drawn to his cat. He keeps babbling on about how he wants a crown, because everyone loves Summer Wheeze. Forget the millions he's sure to make-give the man a crown.

I've always tried to be Earth friendly and I'm sure Summer Wheeze is a very bad thing. But I admit if a product like it existed, I'd buy thirty cans. The area I live in gets around 144 inches of snow a year, and it lasts into late March. It's like clockwork-I love December, tolerate January, get annoyed in Feburary, disgusted in March, and by the time Spring comes around like an angel of salvation, I'm ready to put a bullet in my head.

What Frosty Returns does is lecture for thirty minutes about how winter isn't bad-we NEED winter, it's fun, pretty, magical! We won't let old Stinkypants Mr. Twichell take it away! Uh, Holly, Frosty, sweeties...YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE IN THE (expletive) STUFF!!! SHUT UP! AND STOP SINGING! Aside from all that, Frosty Returns still is annoying. The animation looks a lot like Charlie Brown except bright and irritating. Even Holly and Charles show shades of Peppermint Pattie and Marcie in that a) Holly treats Charles like dirt, b) Charles looks exactly like Marcie with brown hair and empty, white eyes, and c) There's a very good chance the two are going to grow up and get married.

Now that's something to think about while you're watching.

This is bad. I mean, it's just BAD. There is no reason at all to watch this.

The animation is poor and the characters look like cheap, Charlie Brown knockoffs. Specifically, the nerdy science kid looks like Marcie's illegitimate little brother with a bad wig. The writers, desperately trying to channel the spirit of Willy Wonka, tried to make a script that appealed to kids on one level, and adults on another, and failed, miserably, at both.

The music (by Mark Mothersbaugh, late of DEVO) was tuneless and boring and completely unmemorable - which, considering it came from someone who had given us inspired music like "That's Pep", "Peek-a-Boo" and the cover of "Satisfaction", you expected far better.

Shall I go on? In an attempt to relate to kids from broken homes, they have Holly's mother, Lil, with a father who is unaccounted for. My best guess is that he was at Moe's Place with Homer Simpson because he was too embarrassed to be associated with this.

As I watched this with my daughter (who, wisely, was more concerned with playing with junk mail and my dog's chew toy) I cringed at the songs, winced at the "jokes", shook my head at the awful animation. Then came four words that explained everything: "Executive Producer - Lorne Michaels".

And suddenly, it all made sense.

The shame of this is that I like John Goodman, I like Jan Hooks and I even like Jonathan Winters. I sense they were trying their best to make chicken salad out of this. But their talents, were completely wasted here.

It is incredible to me that CBS insists on showing this garbage, every year, back-to-back with the original Frosty - a sublime classic. I get that CBS owns it, and consequently can make more cheddar by cramming this down our throats annually; but, then again, I own a pair of orange plaid bell bottoms and a 45 of Andy Gibb's "Shadow Dancing" and I'm not going to break them out for public consumption any time soon.

I spent 30 minutes watching this, and I'm never going to get those 30 minutes back. Watching replays of Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, would have been more rewarding.

Avoid, avoid, AVOID!!!

-748/10

Jonathan Winters as the narrator visits Beansborough's annual carnival but it may not happen this winter. Little Holly would rather play with her magic set. A heavy wind blows her magic hat which lands on a snowman. Frosty (John Goodman) comes alive with her hat. Mr. Twitchell has invented a spray Summer Wheeze which disappears snow and he sends out his trucks to spray his invention. Frosty is in danger. Holly has to convince everybody that snow is actually good.

The animation looks simplistic like old 70s kids show. However, it's different from the original Frosty the Snowman. The original is softer and more charming. This animation looks uglier. The spray actually seems like a good idea although Twitchell doesn't make sense. He's a weird villain who is battling nature. The whole thing seems like a late-night writing session gone wrong. This is way too stupid without the charm of the original. Also the songs are pretty weak. This is one Christmas special that doesn't need to be repeated.

A lot of people say this is complete crap. I don't think it is but the first Frosty the Snowman is way better. This story isn't as good and it wasn't very memorable.

I think the biggest issue I have with this holiday perennial, is that it was obvious that the writers were trying to put together a script that appealed to kids on one level, and adults on another, not unlike Willy Wonka. While this is certainly admirable to shoot for, it's very difficult to pull off and when it misses it can be quite painful to watch. This was no exception; it not only missed, but missed badly; consequently, much of this is completely unwatchable.

Additionally, the animation is poor. One of the producers is Bill Melendez, famous for his work on the Peanuts cartoons. Not coincidentally, the animation and the characters at times look like something out of a Peanuts cartoons. Unfortunately, it captured none of the charm of even the least inspiring of the Peanuts cartoons.

Not least of all, the music was tuneless and uninspiring. It wasn't hummable, it wasn't memorable, it was just embarrassing.

Why this continues to be shown every year opposite the original Frosty - in my mind one of the three best Christmas specials of all time - escapes me. If it were my call, I'd just run the original Frosty, twice. In the meantime, on this I'll pass.

0 out of 10.