- Bernie LaPlante: You remember when I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy? Well the thing about life is, it gets weird. People are always talking ya about truth. Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or somethin', and they got a supply in the closet. But what you learn, as you get older, is there ain't no truth. All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here. Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life like when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that's your bullshit, so to speak.
- Bernie LaPlante: [Bernie drives through a rainstorm] I know why it's raining. I coulda predicted it. It's raining because my fucking wipers are all fucked up. If my wipers were okay, the fucking sun would be shining, AT NIGHT.
- John Bubber: You sure we can pull this off?
- Bernie LaPlante: John, you're sitting on a ledge about to jump to your doom. I'm about to go to prison. What exactly have we got to lose?
- Deke, Channel 4 News Director: Have you ever heard more bullshit or drivel coming from somebody who is not even the president?
- Bernie LaPlante: [Talking to his son over the payphone] There's things you have to do - which reminds me - you know this hero business? One of the things you learn as-as you grow - as you grow older is that life gets very complicated... weird, actually. It's, you know, like people aren't exactly like they seem... nuthin' is. Life gets un-un-un- unbelievable... Uh, it gets normal as you get older.
- Gale Gayley: Off-the-record... thank you for saving my life.
- [Gale turns to leave]
- Bernie LaPlante: You're welcome.
- [Gale pauses and smiles, then leaves the room]
- Bernie LaPlante: Prisons are for tough guys. Prisons are for guys who beat each other up, lift weights, fuck each other.
- Bernie LaPlante: [crawling through the burning plane attempting to find a man] Fletcher! Hey Fletcher! Where are you?
- Mr. Smith: Sir, please help me!
- Bernie LaPlante: [noticing this man caught in the seats] Are you Fletcher?
- Mr. Smith: No, my name is Smith.
- Bernie LaPlante: Well fuck you! Where's Fletcher?
- Bernie LaPlante: [carrying Gail out of the burning plane] Give me a hand here, lady, I'm not a goddamn bodybuilder!
- Bernie LaPlante: What would you say if I told you that I ran into a burning plane, saved a bunch of people and risked my life?
- Chick: You wouldn't do it. I mean, it's a character thing, Bernie.
- Passenger: [the plane crashes and Bernie stares at it wide-eyed] Please help us!
- Bernie LaPlante: These are $100 dollar shoes!
- Bernie LaPlante: Those guys been in yet?
- Chick: You in business with those guys or what? Cause, you know, I wouldn't want a problem for the establishment.
- Bernie LaPlante: No, you couldn't have a problem, Chick, 'cause I personally have got them all. I cornered the whole market.
- Mendoza: Hey hombre, he don't even trust his mother. Why he gonna trust you?
- Bernie LaPlante: Because I'm not his mother.