- Vincent 'Knobby' DiCarno: What'll it be?
- Carl Hefler: [walking up to the bar] Package delivery.
- Vincent 'Knobby' DiCarno: For who?
- Carl Hefler: It just says "Mayday".
- Vincent 'Knobby' DiCarno: Here I'll take it.
- Carl Hefler: Ya gotta sign for it.
- [passing a clipboard]
- Vincent 'Knobby' DiCarno: [signs and returns clipboard]
- Carl Hefler: [reading signature] Kay-no-bee... K-noby! Is that like in Star Wars?
- Vincent 'Knobby' DiCarno: No idiot, it's "Knobby".
- Carl Hefler: Oh! it's... so it's like a nickname.
- Vincent 'Knobby' DiCarno: Yes, I think maybe it's something like that.
- [knocking on his bald head]
- Carl Hefler: Well I'm gonna need your full name, please.
- Vincent 'Knobby' DiCarno: Sorry...
- Carl Hefler: Come on, it's the regulations.
- Vincent 'Knobby' DiCarno: Hey fuck you, okay?
- Carl Hefler: Fuck you? Thank you very much! I come here to give you a fuckin' package and you decide to blow me shit?
- [getting more irate]
- Carl Hefler: Like-like-like-like-like-like-like you're my idea of a dream come true - takin' shit from a dildo with ears?
- [shouting]
- Carl Hefler: You know when I was like five I said, "Dad, Dad! Can I get a job where random fuckin' shitheads blow me crap all day?" I'm gonna break you in fuckin' half and use your head as a ballpoint!
- [grabs Knobby by the shirt]
- Carl Hefler: Now sign the goddamn thing!
- Frankie: What line of work are you in?
- Bernice 'Bernie' Rhodenbarr: I'm a cat burglar.
- Frankie: Oh, shit! What do you do with them?
- Bernice 'Bernie' Rhodenbarr: What?
- Frankie: The cats!
- [Both laughing]
- Bernice 'Bernie' Rhodenbarr: I hold them for ransom!
- Frankie: Is there any money in that?
- [laughing]
- Frankie: Oh, Jeezus! Look who's asking if there's any money in pussy!
- Dr. Cynthia Sheldrake: There is a DISTINCT difference between killing someone and fucking them!
- [to the man who just tried to kill her by drowning]
- Bernice Rhodenbarr: You ruined my life, my 'do, AND my Manilow tapes!
- Bernice 'Bernie' Rhodenbarr: [Bernice enters the apartment and the alarm sounds] That's right, bitch, don't tell me about the alarm.
- Carl Hefler: Cause I'm a black man in a white man's world...
- Det. Nyswander: Uhh, Mr. Hefler, you're caucasian...
- Carl Hefler: Beautiful! Hold THAT against me too!
- Bartender at Parker's on Fifth: That guy got more ass than a toilet seat!
- Bernice Rhodenbarr: Ya know, that is beautiful.
- Bernice 'Bernie' Rhodenbarr: [Listening to the loud sounds of sex] Who is this guy?
- Bernice 'Bernie' Rhodenbarr: [Listening to even louder sounds of sex] And why don't I have his phone number?