- Mark Forman: [taking a very pregnant Rachel to the hospital] Just keep breathing, you can do it.
- Rachel Samstat: [panting] I don't want to do it, honey. Can't we get somebody else to do it?
- Mark Forman: It's just that there's no door to the kitchen.
- Contractor Laszlo: The back door.
- Mark Forman: The back door. Yes. It's true. You can get into the kitchen... through the back door. This, we know is a kitchen. But you can't get inside the house from the kitchen! Now, how the fuck did this happen?
- Rachel Samstat: Mark. For God's sake. Laszlo, we thought that you could put a door here.
- Contractor Laszlo: She's a piece of cake. He's a piece of cake.
- Rachel Samstat: It's a piece of cake.
- Contractor Laszlo: You are Hungarian?
- Rachel Samstat: No. You are Hungarian.
- Contractor Laszlo: Yes.
- Rachel Samstat: Yes. Hungarians have no pronouns.
- Mark Forman: Apparently they don't have fucking doors, either.
- Contractor Laszlo: She is very angry at me.
- Rachel Samstat: He is very angry at you. Yes.
- Mark Forman: When we're married, I want this once a week.
- Rachel Samstat: I'm never getting married again. I don't believe in marriage.
- Mark Forman: Neither do I.
- Mark Forman: What the fuck was that?
- Rachel Samstat: He has cancer.
- Mark Forman: Bullshit.
- Rachel Samstat: Mark.
- Mark Forman: It's bullshit!
- Rachel Samstat: People don't lie about things like that.
- Mark Forman: Contractors lie about everything. What'd he say, "I have cancer"?
- Rachel Samstat: Exactly.
- Mark Forman: Well, he probable meant that "he" has cancer.
- Rachel Samstat: Who?
- Mark Forman: How do I know? Someone. I don't know. His father.
- Rachel Samstat: His father's dead.
- Mark Forman: He has an unlisted address.
- Rachel Samstat: What are you talking about?
- Mark Forman: Oh, well, it's the latest thing.
- Rachel Samstat: What kind of person has an unlisted address?
- Mark Forman: I'll tell you what kind person. The kind that doesn't want to be dead. The kind people are trying to kill all the time.
- Rachel Samstat: Why are you angry at me for?
- Mark Forman: I'm not angry at you.
- Rachel Samstat: Then what you shouting at me for?
- Mark Forman: Because you're the only one that's here.
- Mark Forman: My wife's name was Kimberley. One of the first Kimberleys.
- Rachel Samstat: My husband had hamsters.
- Mark Forman: Me too.
- Rachel Samstat: Not as a grownup you didn't. He had hamsters named Arnold and Shirley. And he was always whipping up little salads for them in the Slice-O-Matic and buying them extremely small sweaters at a pet boutique in Rego Park. Also, there was a certain amount of talking in squeaky voices.
- Mark Forman: Both of you?
- Rachel Samstat: Well, he was Arnold... and I was Shirley.
- Rachel Samstat: I saw you on 'Meet the Press'.
- Mark Forman: I read your article about ice cream and I have to tell you, I disagree with you about Häagen-Dazs Rum Raisin.
- Rachel Samstat: What can I say?
- Mark Forman: You were so vicious about it.
- Rachel Samstat: I'm a vicious person.
- Mark Forman: Let's sing - all the songs we know about babies.
- Rachel Samstat: I don't know any songs about babies.
- Mark Forman: [singing] Yes, sir
- Mark Forman, Rachel Samstat: That's my baby, No, sir, I don't mean maybe, Yes, sir
- Mark Forman: That's my baby now
- Rachel Samstat: Oh, baby, you...
- Mark Forman: Nobody but you
- Rachel Samstat: [speaking] I don't know the rest.
- Mark Forman: [singing] Is you is or is you ain't my baby?
- Rachel Samstat: My sister always used to try to get me to have one. A nose job.
- Mark Forman: I love your nose.
- Rachel Samstat: Well, it goes with my face. I always say that, but it isn't true.
- Rachel Samstat: I don't know how anybody gets anything going in this town. Nobody even *flirts* here.
- Rachel Samstat: Please, don't let this be happening. Please, just don't let this be happening. Why can't we go back to the way it was? I promise I'll be the way I was.
- Julie: When Arthur was having his little affair, every time he got on a plane, I would imagine the plane crash, the funeral, what I would wear at the funeral, flirting at the funeral, how soon I could start dating after the funeral.
- Rachel Samstat: Forty percent of all second marriages end in divorce. You can't even get a decent bagel in Washington, D.C.
- Mark Forman: Jonathan is not being sent to Bangladesh.
- Rachel Samstat: Why not?
- Mark Forman: Because we still care about Bangladesh.
- Arthur: Men. I hate them. Always hated them. You wonder why I hang around with women? Because it's men who do things like this.
- Rachel Samstat: Oh, Daddy, what am I gonna do?
- Rachel's Father: There's nothing you can do. You want monogamy, marry a swan.
- British Moderator: Rachel has turned on the television set. And as she switches channels, everything she sees seems to be an echo of her own dilemma.
- Diana: Hey, I have something I need to talk about today. I can't decide whether to go to Club Med.
- Rachel Samstat: Diana, I need to talk too.
- Diana: When I'm done.
- Vera: Rachel has something very serious to talk about.
- Diana: This is serious. Nobody ever thinks my problems are serious. Go ahead.
- Rachel Samstat: Mark is - Mark is in love with someone else.
- Diana: No, but - why does everything happen to Rachel? Nothing ever happens to me.
- Ellis: Stick it up your ass, Diana.