- Captain Trunk: [Trunk watches Hammer attach something to the barrel of his gun] Is that a silencer?
- Sledge Hammer: No, it's not a silencer. This little doodad is my own invention. I call it a loudener.
- Sledge Hammer: Every breath you take, every move you make... I'll be watching you. That's police talk.
- Sledge Hammer: You've never played target practice?
- Soviet Scientist: In Russia, we practice by shooting dissidents.
- Sledge Hammer: Here we call them liberals.
- Sledge Hammer: [to reporter] I would like to address that particular stereotype if I may. Now, your stereotypical donut is nothing but dough and sugar fried in fat, am I right? Now that fat gums up your arteries and goes to your brain, and you turn liberal. And the next thing you know, Barry Manilow is on the turn-table and you're not going to work and you're voting for gun control. You see what I'm saying? You see the connection? That's why I eat granola.
- Thug: Drop your gun and kick it over here.
- [Sledge puts the gun down]
- Thug: I said kick it over here.
- Sledge Hammer: Forget it, Slimeball. I never kick a friend when he's down.
- Sledge Hammer: When am I on?
- Dori: You follow a guy from Dallas & precede a guy from Miami.
- Sledge Hammer: Between Dallas & Miami... what a terrible place to be!
- [in reference to the show's no-win timeslot opposite both 'Dallas' & 'Miami Vice']
- Sledge Hammer: All cops face violence. The ones who can't deal with it crack. The ones who do, teach.
- Sledge Hammer: Now you've gone and done it. You just broke a family heirloom. That lamp had great sentimental value. It accidentally electrocuted my grandfather.
- Cliff: *You're* with the police department?
- Sledge Hammer: No no no. No, I *am* the police department.
- Robin Leach: Good evening, I'm Robin Leach. The producers of Sledge Hammer! have asked me to explain tonight's episode. Let me be frank - it is an attempt to boost ratings. There are many ways to do this: better scripts, more warmth and big-name guest stars. But, we're desperate. So on tonight's episode, we're gonna to rely on four sure-fire ratings grabbers: sex, violence, rock music, and, best of all, a cliffhanger ending that will keep our viewers glued to the edge of their seats until next season. Thus, ensuring there will be a next season. Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
- Sledge Hammer: You know what I'm going to do to you? I'm going to stick your head in that microwave and set it on "sandwich."
- Dori: Hammer, you can't do that!
- Sledge Hammer: What? There's no setting for sandwich?
- Dori: [at Sledge pulling out a gun on some drunk in a bar] Sledge, you can't solve everything with a gun!
- Sledge Hammer: [looking at her slightly puzzled] I know, but I left bazooka in my car.
- Dori: Sorry to interrupt you, Captain.
- Sledge Hammer: Just wanted to cheer you up.
- Captain Trunk: That's impossible. This is the worst day of my life.
- Sledge Hammer: Now you see right there, you're wrong. You've said many times that the worst day of your life was the day I joined the force.
- [Trunk looks at Hammer]
- Sledge Hammer: Now you feel better?
- Captain Trunk: Yes.
- Sledge Hammer: Any calls?
- Dori: Three. Two wrong numbers and an offer to cater a Bar Mitzvah. I told them 'no,' 'no,' and 'maybe.'
- Sledge Hammer: [Notices that Doreau is sporting a Veronica Lake hairstyle] New hairdo?
- Dori: Yes. This is what happens when I can't afford my regular hairdresser.
- Sledge Hammer: Just remember, if you don't look good, we don't look good. Nice outfit; now that the first time you look like a real... girl.
- Dori: Yeah, if I don't get my hair fixed, I'll need a guide dog.
- [Blows her hair off her face]
- Dori: I had a pervert call me once.
- Sledge Hammer: Oh, how'd you get him to stop? Change your number?
- Dori: No, I stopped dating him.
- Suzi Swallow: Inspector Hammer, do you have a prediction?
- Sledge Hammer: Yes. The first brain-transplant will be performed & YOU will be the reciprient.
- Sledge Hammer: Now where am I on this lineup?
- Dori: You're following a guy from Dallas and preceeding somebody from Miami.
- Sledge Hammer: Between Dallas and Miami? What terrible place would it be?