- Steven Gold: I've been coming down here for 18 months. 18 months! And I have not missed a night. I take the money that my father sends me and I pay for a shrink, and I buy groceries. Now I owe my shrink, and I'm behind in my rent. My roommate's a bastard--he's changed the locks on my front door--I can't get in! He won't give me a key until I pay him. You wanna play games? I can play games! I can play games. I can play ventriloquist with my underwear. I can play darts while maintaining an erection. I can gargle dishwater and fart "O Canada" at the same time! I can play piano without being popular. I once had this dream--I was dancing on the street corner with a jackhammer up my ass--now that was either a sex dream or I need more fiber in my diet. If any of this is turning you on, just let me know.
- Steven Gold: If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast--'cuz funny Steve's going under.
- Steven: Don't be scared, 'cuz I'm Funny Steve... with a lampshade on his head. Singing and dancing, for your entertainment, his own rendition of "Singin' in the Rain"!
- Stand-Up Comic: [doing an impression of Gandhi's mother] Please, sweetheart... just a sandwich?
- Lilah Krytsick: Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name.
- [audience bursts into laughter]