Firebird 2015 AD

Mind you, it does sport some fine Alberta Badlands scenery. Still, I wonder why the creators of this film overlooked a shining opportunity for an approximation of wit. In the fascist America of 14 years hence, private use of petroleum is not allowed. Who enforces this? Why, the DVC, the Department of Vehicle Control, represented by the surly chief, a plainly psychotic lackey, the woman who's secretly sympathetic to the rebels and a couple of other nondescript guys. Did nobody think that instead of the DVC, it should be have been... the DMV?

Ponder that, if you're ever bored enough to watch this.

I love Darren McGavin, but I couldn't make it past the first twenty minutes of this film--and that included a lot of fast-forwarding past the tedious driving scenes. Boring premise, cheesy dialog, and pacing that made me rather watch my clock's hour hand move. And come on--if the hero is going to restore some classic automobile, why would he ever waste his time and effort on a crappy Firebird?!

I literally threw away the videotape when I was done. Lucky for me that it was a gift from a friend (who also saw no reason to hang on to it). If you're looking for a silly high-speed movie, watch Smokey and the Bandit or any Steve McQueen movie. There's no reason to waste time with this drek.

Full disclosure: I watched this movie because I saw it on "The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made" DVD, so I was looking for a bad movie. I was hoping for some campy, 70s/80s post-apocalyptic fun, like Warriors of the Wasteland, or numerous other low budget movies from around the same time. This thing, however, was not bad in a fun way, but bad in a horrible and boring way.

So, if you're looking for "so bad it's good", this is not the movie you seek.

You get the basic idea: it's the distant future (of 2015), and gas burning cars have been outlawed. This was supposedly done because there was a fuel shortage, but of course it was really just a way for the Evil Government to control the people.

These laws are enforced by the "Department of Vehicular Control" or DVC, and they're resisted by a colorful cast of characters who live in the desert and conserve gas by driving the the lowest mileage cars possible. They're not trying to start a revolution or anything, just driving around in the desert having fun. They're called "burners", which is actually the most interesting thing in the movie. I really think they might have come up with that name and then tried (unsuccessfully) to write a movie around it.

The DVC are roughly as good at their jobs as the stormtroopers in Star Wars. The burners drive around in broad daylight through the open desert, surrounded by hills, kicking up clouds of dust that could be seen for miles, and talking on CB radios, but the DVC still seems to only find them by complete accident. Also, like the stormtroopers, they can't hit the broad side of a barn with their guns.

Doug McClure is the head of the local DVC patrol. He's conflicted about his job and trying in vain to control his subordinates, who have a tendency to get get all murderous and rapey when left to their own devices.

The burners aren't really organized, but they all defer to Red, played by Darren McGavin, who owns the eponymous vehicle. He lives in a secret location, which appears to be the only building for miles around, but of course the DVC is unable to find it. The action of the movie is precipitated by the arrival of his estranged son, Cam - played by an actor desperately trying to hide his English accent.

That's basically the plot. It's not a spoiler to tell you there are plenty of pointless (and not very exciting) car chases and explosions, and not to expect too much of a payoff at the ending. In fact, it doesn't so much "end" as get to 90 minutes and stop.

Perhaps the only amusing thing are their attempts to titillate the audience without losing their PG rating. There's the randy girl-burner, Jill, who has to work ridiculously hard to seduce the clueless Cam. This culminates in a millisecond long topless shot (don't blink or you'll miss it). There's also a weird scene where a female DVC agent takes a very sensual shower - fully clothed!

Probably the worst thing about the movie is the soundtrack - a bunch of terrible songs written just for this. I had to turn the sound down every time one started playing.

Speaking of music, here's a little bit of trivia: this movie came out the same year Rush released Red Barchetta, which has basically the same theme. Red Barchetta is much better, and of course rock songs don't have to make sense.

In 2015 AD there is a law against car ownership, which creates conflict.

In the 70s I was a fan of McGavin in Kolchak The Night Stalker and the actor has not changed much since that series so it is a struggle not to think of this as - Kolchak in 2015 AD.

However, this is a flawed flick as just too much screen time is given to a pointless plot about a young couple falling for each other.

Yes, the cars are good, the filming locations are wonderful, but this needed about 30 minutes edited out of it.

There is only one way to watch this movie - late at night when you are winding down and will put up with anything.

Okay, I AM writing this review in 2016, the year AFTER the movie takes place - now the past. Oh to hell with it, lets just say the middle of the 2010s so that makes my review take place in the time period the movie takes place. Now with that out of my system lets continue.

Take this scenario. In the mid 2010s gasoline is in very short supply and what is left is drastically expensive. As a result all gas burning vehicles have been banned and this has had a terrible effect on the U. S. economy. But lo and behold a group of people see through this. There's plenty of gasoline to be had they say, the U. S. government is just hogging it all for itself and this group is determined to see to it that the ban is lifted and the fuel is released, and those behind it are brought to justice for the harm it has done. In the meantime the group's favorite hobby is riding their cars around to defy the ban. To keep them in line (and to impose the ban) the government has sent special police forces out to stop this group of rebels - known as "burners" - with whatever means necessary. However nothing is going to stop these "burners" from their mission. But there are those who don't want the ban lifted, mainly the special police forces because if the ban goes, they are out of a job. So its the burners (the heroes)versus the corrupt special police (the villains) and only one side is going to win.

Now that sounds great doesn't it? And if someone else besides David Robertson had directed it, then maybe we would have had a great sci-fi movie. But he did and therefore we don't. Instead Firebird 2015 A. D. is about a bunch of people whether, it is the burners or the special police, bitching about how life is unfair in these hard times while driving around through... the desert. No cities, small towns, suburbs, or abandoned amusement parks. Just lots of empty desert landscape and nothing more. After all it worked for Wile E. Coyote didn't it? Well it doesn't work here because it only adds to the slowness that permeates this movie.

The plot, as it goes, is about Red, a leader of the burners (played by Darrin McGavin) joining forces with his long lost son (Robert Wisden) who has arrived at Red's home (a pit stop for burners as Red has his own gasoline supply) where they plan on reaching Washington D. C. so they can defeat the gas ban. Meanwhile a group of the special police (led by Doug McClure) have set up a camp near Red's compound with the hopes of stopping him. In the meantime McGavin's son falls in love with the daughter of another burner played by Mary Beth Ruebens. And that's all there is! No juicy twists or memorable quotes or set pieces to get into here. Zip! Now if this film was a rip-snorting chase movie being something like Mad Max 2 - The Road Warrior meets Smokey And The Bandit used with the above mentioned scenario then maybe we would have a real exciting flick. But nooooooo! What we get is people bemoaning about the sad happenings in their lives while constantly mumbling of how they want to defeat the other team. And all this while racing their gas wasting cars and motorcycles around what seems like the same 1 1/2 mile stretch of desert over and over again.

Now the acting. Marc McClure, always a good actor, feels wasted as the movie's heavy. He often looks like he rather be starring in a more challenging role, like maybe the lead in a softcore porno flick than in this thing. As for Rubens, she is a pretty girl, but what does she really do? And Darren McGavin? Well he just acts like Darrin McGavin.

But what's worst about this movie is the setting. Made in 1982, this was supposed to look at the distant future year of 2015. Instead it just looks like 1982. My point is this, if your going to make a movie about the future MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE FUTURE! This movie looks about as futuristic as Meet Me In St Louis starring Judy Garland looked futuristic. There is nothing here - outside of the police uniforms and they don't count much - that makes this movie feel like things to come. I guess the makers of Firebird 2015 A. D. think by saying that this story is in the future but not showing anything futuristic was a decent idea. Why? I don't know. Maybe they thought they would get some futuristic details wrong and they didn't want that, so they decided to not show any (hey, ALL sci-fi movies about the future get some details wrong). Or maybe they didn't have the budget (Stanley Kubrick had a tiny budget when he made "A Clockwork Orange" and look what he did!). Whatever the excuse was this is one of the top reasons this movie fall flat on it's butt. We want to SEE the future and FEEL it, not just be suggested of it and little else.

A boring sci-fi movie that doesn't feel like a sci-fi movie at all. Well at least Darrin McGavin recovered from this wreck. His next role was that of Ralphie's father in "A Christmas Story" - and he had the best role of his career.

My Rating (from Excellent to Poor) - Pretty Bad. Just stick to the Mad Max movies instead. Or better yet the original Death Race 2000.