Don Adams credited as playing...
Maxwell Smart
- Maxwell Smart: You know, Chief, this nude bomb might solve a lot of problems.
- Chief: Such as?
- Maxwell Smart: Well for one thing, flashers.
- Chief: Only you would think of a that, Max.
- Maxwell Smart: That's why they pay me the big bucks. And there'd be no more trouble with concealed weapons. I mean if everyone was nude, there'd be no place to hide a gun or a knife. Well, there is a place, but it could be painful.
- Maxwell Smart: 22 was married to the late, great 78? Wasn't he a little old for her?
- Agent 13: [hiding in Popular Spy magazine] Well, let's see. 22 was 21 when she married 78 in '72. 78 was 46, that means 78 was 22, 32, 42, 25 years older than 22. 22 joined P.I.T.S when 78 died in 75.
- Maxwell Smart: Tell me, 13, how was 78 killed?
- Agent 13: Investigating the numbers racket.
- Maxwell Smart: I advise you to drop your guns an put up your hands.
- KAOS #1: Why?
- Maxwell Smart: Because at this very minute, my friend, this chalet is being completely surrounded by 500 alpine crack troops.
- KAOS #1: I find that hard to believe.
- Maxwell Smart: Would you believe 150 Tirolian ski-troops?
- KAOS #2: No we wouldn't.
- Maxwell Smart: How about 2 Saint Bernards in heat?
- Maxwell Smart: And if there's one thing I've learned, in many many years of experience, it's that you cannot be too careful with your gun.
- [puts his gun away in his pants, accidentally pulls the trigger]
- Maxwell Smart: Excuse me.
- [turns around examines himself, turns back]
- Chief: Are you al right?
- Maxwell Smart: Missed it by that much.
- Maxwell Smart: Why, I once knew an agent who went into the Pentagon building in Washington, and was lost for three days!
- Agent 22: Three days? I can't believe anyone could get that confused.
- Maxwell Smart: Well, let me see. I went in on a Tuesday...
- Sauvage: Your bogus ingenuousness is straining my equanimity.
- Maxwell Smart: Could you put that another way?
- Sauvage: You're pissing me off.
- Agent 36: You're a legend, 86. When I was studying well the Spy Academy I reviewed every one of your cases.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, well, wouldn't you like to hear my side of the story?
- Agent 36: I think you're wonderful.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, you have heard my side of the story.
- Maxwell Smart: [holding 36's bra in his lef hand] 22, I can explain this bra in 5 seconds.
- Maxwell Smart: [accidentally revealing 36's panties in his other hand] Eh, these panties are gonna take a little longer.
- Maxwell Smart: [Max and agent 34 crash into a roadblock with a sign showing skull and crossbones and a German warning] Just our luck, we gotta run into a poisonous Achtung.
- Agent 34: That means attention. There has been an avalanche.
- Chief: We're really up against it, this time, 86. The fate of the entire world is in your hands.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh no, not again. Well, ok this time, but next week I'm on vacation, Chief. If you get in trouble then, it's your ass.
- President: [on hotline in limo] Now you realize, Mr. Smart, that once KAOS learns your mission, they'll stop at nothing. You'll be in imminent danger, constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.
- Maxwell Smart: [on other line in Control Cab] And... loving it.
- Maxwell Smart: Look, 22, when I'm on a case, I don't fool around. I mean, before a case? Maybe. After a case? Definitely. During a case? Never.
- Maxwell Smart: I'm a secret agent. And I am here on a very important mission, Edith. May I call you Edith?
- Edith Von Secondberg: I'd like that. Particularly since that's my name. You'll find I answer a lot faster to it than I would if you called me Marion.
- Maxwell Smart: I'm going to level with you, Marion... May I call you Marion?
- Maxwell Smart: This is the latest in counter-attack furniture. The D-1 Turbocharger Desk Mobile. This desk can go from 0 to 60 in five seconds, and can cruise at 80 miles an hour. It was built at a cost of $12 million. Get on.
- [Max sits down at the desk]
- Maxwell Smart: See that key in the drawer? Turn it.
- Maxwell Smart: Of course! The ol' dashboard-in-the-drawer trick!
- Carruthers: To activate the armament, you press the knob marked "air conditioning."
- Maxwell Smart: How do you turn on the air conditioning?
- Carruthers: There is no air conditioning.
- Maxwell Smart: There is no air conditioning? Are you kidding? $12 million for this thing, and no air conditioning? You better work on that, Carruthers. How much mileage do you get on this thing?
- Carruthers: 35 on the highway, 12 in the living room.
- Maxwell Smart: Well, that's not bad for an American make.
- Carruthers: That's because it doesn't run on gasoline. It runs on ink.
- Carruthers: This thing runs on ink? That's fantastic, Carruthers! Why, do you realize that could be the answer to the fuel shortage?
- Maxwell Smart: I'm afraid not. Special kind of ink. Comes from Saudi Arabia.
- Maxwell Smart: [looking at a large door that works like a zipper] That's the second biggest zipper I've ever seen!