Roller Blade

I recently watched the low budget picture Roller Blade (1986) on Tubi. The storyline takes place in a futuristic, apocalyptic society where an evil dictator has taken over the land and needs a crystal to become invincible. The crystal is protected by roller blading nuns who are quick to aid a rebellion who wishes to overthrow the dictator.

This picture is directed by Donald G. Jackson (Hell comes to Frogtown) and stars Pat McClung, Suzanne Solari (Mulholland Falls), Jeff Hutchinson (Hell Comes to Frogtown), Katina Garner (Hollywood Horror House) and Michelle Bauer (Virgin High).

This picture was made on a $70,000 budget but does the best it can with what it had to work with. This is one of those movies that's genuinely so bad it's good. This movie has a ton of nudity and an absolutely gorgeous cast. The nude fights on rollerblades was awesome. Theres a legendary hot tub scene and the puppet was wild. The acting isn't good, and the dialogue is awful, but I could watch this movie 100 times.

In conclusion, Roller Blade is a disaster in just about every way...but I loved it. I would score this a 5/10 but still highly recommend it.

I saw this movie eons ago, probably shortly after it came out. And the only reason I'm here looking it up on IMDB is that I had to prove to myself that this movie really existed and wasn't a late-night hallucination from my drug-addled post-college daze. To be honest, finding out that it really DOES exist is MORE disturbing than the alternative. This was the most insanely bad movie I have ever seen, by far. I recall one of the post-apocalyptic characters wearing a re-purposed colander as a helmet. You know a film is low-budget when the costume designer was raiding the kitchen cabinet.

This movie would actually be worth seeing, or even owning, for one purpose: if your friends are ever talking about the worst movies they've ever seen, you can hear them out with a smug smile on your face and then say "You think you know bad movies? Watch this..." You'll blow 'em out of the water.

Roller Blade is not and has not pretense of being a great movie. Anyone applying a rigorous scientific analysis to the technologies depicted will either pull out her hair or laugh herself silly.

But it delivers exactly what it promises = action & babes in skimpy outfits. And as one of those babes is the delicious Michelle Bauer, this remains one of my guilty pleasures.

There were just enough literary references in the movie to lead me to believe the producers toyed with the idea of making it a serious flick, but then we were treated to more babes.

All Michelle Bauer fans should watch every film she ever appears in, even this one.

This is hard to rate because it's objectively terrible with awful framing, lighting, acting, writing, choreography, and a nonsense plot BUT it's also hilarious, filled with nudity and EVERYONE is on roller skates the whole time! It's a must see if you like terrible movies.

My review was written in July 1986 after watching the movie on New World video cassette.

The fad of low-budget science fiction films inspired by the Aussie hit "The Road Warrior" reaches its nadir with New World's "Roller Blade", an amateurish junker released directly to the home video market.

Set in the "City of Lost Angels" during an unspecified post-W. W. III period of barbarism, pic has a female religious order controlled by Mother Speed (Katina Garner) battling with Dr. Saticoy (Robby Talor dressed like a "Road Warrior" bad guy) and his evil henchmen. The novelty of everyone performing on roller skates (except Mother Speed, who's in a wheelchair and young punkers called spikers who use skateboards) soon wear off nd the film becomes interminable.

Saticoy sends a foxy blonde girl (Shaun Michelle) to infiltrate Mother Speed's order and steal her power crystal, which has the ability to heal and even bring the dead back to life (it only works one time per customer, however, on stiffs). She ultimaely rebels and joins the good guys, who, led by Sister Sharon (Suzanne Solari) and a local cop (Marshall Goodman) destroy Saticoy.

Filmmaker Donald G. Jackson apparently shot this mess silent and poorly dubbed new voices for the characters, which only make it seem inferior to the numerous post-synched Italian films in the genre. Special effects (some of which appear to be executed by video techniques) are poor and there is no evidence of a futuristic society in the west coast locations and familiar looking freaks. Inane dialog fails to be funny and Saticoy's hand puppet/doll "baby" sidekick *(at one point it does a Froggy the Gremlin impression from Andy Devine's 1950s tv show) is too silly for a pro feature.

Obviously aware of the video marketplace, Jackson features a great deal of female nudity, including several porn actresses in minor roles.

End credits promote a sequel, subtitled "Holy Thunder".