La mansión de los muertos vivientes

Jesus Franco is a director who has made dozens of horror, soft-porn crossovers that all have in common that they are being really bad ones. If you ever wondered what sort of movies Ed Wood would be making, would he still be alive today, all you have to do is pick up any random Jesus Franco movie.

By credit this movie is a remake of the 1971 Spanish horror-classic "La noche del terror ciego" but quite frankly, this movie has very little or nothing to do with that movie. Seriously, don't watch this movie expecting an horror, for this movie is more all about its nudity and lesbian fondling than about any horror. As a matter of fact there aren't even scares or graphic killings in this movie. Just a couple of hooded men standing around and occasionally, not so graphically, raping a girl.

As always, the story is an absolute mess and very little in the movie is making sense. The way the entire movie is progressing is laughable and just very far from convincing. It has some really stupid characters in it, that you just don't ever care about. Jesus Franco doesn't seem to be able to see and fill up any gaping plot-holes, or he just simply doesn't care about it. Either way it's a bad thing.

And yes well, then there are some of the sex sequences that literally come out of nowhere often and show absolutely nothing. I don't even think that the lovers of soft-core porn flicks are going to get excited by anything that gets shown or done in this movie.

Again Jesus Franco uses his own wife Lina Romay in the movie as the main lead. Like all of the other girls she spends most of her time walking around naked in the movie. The girls in this movie are either being naked, having sex with each other, getting raped by a man, or talking each others head of, like a bunch of annoying, loud, naive, helpless, chicken.

I must say though that I still enjoy watching older Franco movies better than the newer ones, that he is still making this present day and age. At least these movies still had a bit of style over them and got shot at location instead of in a studio or in the garden of one of the cast-members.

Trademark bad Jesus Franco stuff.

3/10

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Well, first things first...

Jess Franco tries, bless him, he really does, but unfortunately the man hasn't had an original thought in his life nor would he know an erotic scenario if it bit him in the arse! (although you can be sure if that ever does happen he'll film it & stick it in a movie!). Before anyone thinks I'm just Franco bashing, I'm not, I've now seen over 60 of his movies so think I've seen enough to have a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about, I even like some!

For anyone not very knowledgeable about his work, the Franco process of film-making seems to go something like this:

1) He sees someone else's film.

2) He quickly rehashes it, adds in some god-awful ugly sex scenes, all of which takes a couple of days and hey presto, a week later the film's released!

And that's about it. I've yet to see an erotic moment in any of his films (though the moments in this one are probably the least annoying of his I've seen) and most of the naked women he's used aren't all that attractive either (although again, to be fair the women in this movie are about the best I've seen in a Franco film), so no real reprieve there.

Personally I prefer it when he leaves out the sex altogether, but even then (as is the case with 'Mansion of the Living Dead') he's so ham fisted in his approach that he generally ruins any element of horror there might've been.

Having said all that, this is still one of my top 10 Franco films, which to be fair says a whole lot more about his other films than it does this one as it's at best only decidedly average!

As a side note, on the region 1 DVD release of this Mr Franco has some very derogatory comments to be made about a certain George A. Romero which I have to say are completely out of order, not to mention contradictory (his comments about them being slow!), especially when you consider the movie Franco was rehashing here was 'Tombs of the Blind Dead' - itself a (great) movie which would never have existed had Romero not redefined the zombie, moved it into modern times and made it into what it still is today! And that's without even getting into comparing the talent of the two men, which is never going to be in Franco's favour! It basically just sounds like sour grapes, as Romero had something which still eludes Franco today - an idea!

Shame on you Jesus!

So, I get this movie on the basis that it's supposedly a remake of Tombs of the Blind Dead, a good movie. It's all in Spanish and the closest thing to Spanish I can speak is a little Latin. No problem, I'll fast forward to the Templars.

Yeah, right, what Templars? The movie starts out with some eeeeeevil cultists meandering around a ruined church, carrying torches. For all the world they look like Ku Klux Klansmen. Then, onto something completely different, as four female friends check into a rather large resort that seems to have no guests and only one guy staffing it.

I'd be alarmed, wouldn't you? They apparently aren't, as they start having all sorts of graphic (for a movie of this calibre) lesbian sex. Quite a bit of nudity. Easy on the eyes, as well. Anyhow, some other mysterious guy shows up, has sex with two of the four women, then has a couple discussions with them. Is the the one that threw a meat cleaver at them when they were doing some nude sunbathing? What's with that creepy little guy spying on them? All negated, as one of the women (who was hiking around some church ruins) is killed by a death cult of some sort that bears no resemblance whatsoever to the promised Templars. More chicanery occurs before the main character is raped and...something. She shows up, offs the other two females. The Klan is defeated (?) by a giant cross, then walks off as the movie ends. I think my copy is missing a minute or two, because the ending as such is terrible, there are no credits, yadda yadda.

The movie itself is dull. There're none of the promised Templar knights, just some Klansmen with really dry skin. There's no gore, no violence, and the film-making is inept. Several scenes last entirely too long, several close-ups are impossible to make out, the absence of any type of music in many parts is annoying, and the death cult appears from nowhere.

Since the nudity and lesbianism is the only reason a male would want to watch this film, it'd be more recommended to pick up some sort of porn. Recommendation to avoid this film, even from a completist point of view.

Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of Mansion Of The Living Dead; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 0.25 Direction: 1.00 Pace: 0.25 Acting: 0.25 Enjoyment: 0.25

TOTAL: 2 out of 10

The one thing I need in a good Horror flick is a story. It doesn't have to be outstanding, just plausible and/or have a first-rate concept at its heart. Sadly, Mansion Of The Living Dead, though it does possess a decent idea, is so terribly structured and written it harms the movie beyond repair. Jesus Franco may be an average director, who occasionally hits the right spots, but he's no scribe. The story is too slow, all over the place, and most of the mysteries are ignored or extremely under-cooked. In the right hands, it could have been excellent. I particularly liked the cursed notion and the empty hotel and village concepts.

Surprisingly, Franco does a lot better when he takes the director's chair. Some scenes show off his talents ideally. The scene where one of the holidayers finds her friend face down in the pool is one example of his imaginative style. The girl, her friend, and the hotel manager run to the poolside, but there's no floater. As the girls discuss it may have been a mistake, Franco pans down to the pool's reflection, and we hear the manager make his goodbyes; On the water's blue surface, we watch him walk away, and the ladies follow. It's a small thing, but it's creative and makes the segment more engaging. Sadly, there are too few to help the movie repair the story's damage. Most of the film consists of average composition, which sometimes is out of focus. It's dreadful when you can't get a cameraman to keep the image sharp. Maybe blind cameramen work cheaper? What with the toplessness and nudity in the film, perhaps he went blind while filming. I mean, they have these girls walk around the hotel starkers. Now, why can't I find these hotels? Then we have the special effects, which consist of crappy plastic skull masks and cheap make-up. And they ran short of masks, and money for make-up because the Father of the religious order is simply normal. Lamentably, the most inferior element to the directing is the lack of pacing. It goes the same way as the story, and like the story, it only adds to the viewers' boredom.

The acting is terrible, especially from the two leading cast members. There are a lot of pregnant pauses that don't work, I can only imagine they're there because Romay and Mayans were reading from cards. There's no emotion in most scenes, and there's definitely no chemistry between Romay and Mayans, though she is about to save his soul with their love for one another. And, as for the girl on girl kissing, well, for actresses, they don't execute passion too well. It's more amusing than sensually provocative.

Mansion Of The Living Dead is a stinker of a movie, and I wholly advise giving it as wide a berth as possible. And remember, I watched this movie, so you don't have to.

Please feel free to visit my Absolute Horror list to see where I ranked Mansion Of The Living Dead.

Take Care & Stay Well.

As I am a true adept of all pulp, trash and schlock, I really like some of Jesús Franco's work (some directed under pseudonyms) - Vampyros Lesbos, She Killed in Ecstasy, Venus in Furs, Count Dracula, Eugenie de Sade, Mondo cannibale and others are well made and entertaining movies empowered by the powers of cheese and pulp, some starring actors like Christopher Lee, Klaus Kinski. Sadly, La mansión de los muertos vivientes or Mansion of the Dead is no such trashy and spicy piece - neither the art of horror nor the powers of Venus are strong in this one. The cinematography is also not good. A few days ago I put this one on my screen and cannot say if I ever watched this one before ore not. Anyway, this time I used the fast forward button rather freely and wondered the whole time why Franco made this boring and tasteless piece. To all who do not know his work, don't watch this one (first), put some of the movies I mentioned on your screen, or try other ones, on Imdb the maestro got directing credits for 206 movies...