- Mrs. Williamson: Moaka, please do not refer to the reverend and I as Big Man God and Mama Jesus Christ. You're putting your soul in jeopardy.
- Count Von Rittenberg: [about to duel with Capt. Bully Hayes] Captain Hayes!
- Captain Bully Hayes: Admiral!
- Count Von Rittenberg: Count!
- Captain Bully Hayes: Whatever!
- Captain Bully Hayes: [to an interviewer, while waiting to be hanged] Are you putting down in that book that I'm a pirate?
- Writer: Well, in a manner of speaking, I suppose one could say that I am, yes.
- Captain Bully Hayes: Good! Because I am! And a damn good one too. Oh, I never flew the skull and crossed bones. That's for your fictioneers. But I have sought pleasure and profit all my life at sea without regard for any man's law. That's not to say I didn't have my morals and standards. I got morals and standards. I never killed anyone who didn't have it coming. I never cheated an honest man. I never pillaged and I never raped.
- Captain Bully Hayes: If you want Ben, you don't knock on his front door.
- Nathaniel Williamson: He wouldn't answer?
- Captain Bully Hayes: He'd blow your brains out.
- Captain Bully Hayes: Not much of a drinker, are you.
- Nathaniel Williamson: No.
- Captain Bully Hayes: Well, it's a useful habit sometimes.
- Nathaniel Williamson: Like now?
- [belches]
- Captain Bully Hayes: [laughs]
- Nathaniel Williamson: I'd like to apologize.
- Captain Bully Hayes: For what?
- Nathaniel Williamson: I was very quick to judge you.
- Captain Bully Hayes: Aw, what do they say, son? Don't judge unle... , no, let's see, judge not, judge not, judge YE not...
- Nathaniel Williamson: Judge not lest ye be judged. Matthew 7, verse 1.
- Captain Bully Hayes: Hmm.
- Nathaniel Williamson: You knew what you were doing in Samoa. It would have worked out if it wasn't for me.
- Captain Bully Hayes: Oh, don't feel badly 'cause you don't know your way around a whorehouse.
- King of Ponape: Pease man, what bring? Happy me good now.
- Ben Pease: [points to von Rittenberg] This be white king.
- Count Von Rittenberg: [whispers] Count! I'm a count!
- Ben Pease: [whispers] He wouldn't know a count from a bucket of shit, but he does know king.
- Count Von Rittenberg: We intend to sign and honor a treaty.
- Ben Pease: King Oatopi of Ponape never signed a treaty with nobody. He's an evil bastard. Practices incest on his own offspring, eats human flesh, sacrifices his enemies. You ever show your pink, little behind around there, he'll have you screwed, tattooed and served up with an apple in your mouth.
- Count Von Rittenberg: Mr Pease, I have the whole of the German Empire at my support.
- Ben Pease: He'll eat them too.
- Ben Pease: There it is, Ponape.
- Count Von Rittenberg: Why is it so cold?
- Ben Pease: I wouldn't ask too many questions about Ponape. You wouldn't like the answers.
- Count Von Rittenberg: I don't like this place.
- Ben Pease: But it'll still make a nice port for your Fatherland. Cold, evil, nasty but cheap.