- Candy: I'm gonna be like everybody else! I'm gonna make friends! I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna wear make-up, I'm gonna go out with boys, I'm gonna sleep with truck drivers and get crabs, and I'm gonna finally get to use my diaphragm!
- Randy: Hey Sandy, want some candy?
- Sandy: Some candy'd be dandy.
- Randy: Hey Candy, want some candy?
- Candy: No candy for me, Randy.
- Andy Jackson: Aw, come on, Candy, have some candy.
- Candy: I said no candy, Andy.
- Andy Jackson: Okay, Candy. I'll have some candy, Randy.
- Randy: Okay, Randy. I'll give you Candy's candy.
- Andy Jackson: Can I also have Mandy's candy?
- Sandy: No, Randy! Don't give Andy Mandy's candy! Give him the candy that's handy!
- Randy: All right, Sandy. So, Andy, what's your favorite candy?
- Andy Jackson: Mints.
- [At a crime scene where five cheerleaders have been turned into a "human shish-kebob"]
- Photographer: This must be the act of a maniac.
- Reporter: Either that, or a very large chef.
- Sgt. Reginald Cooper: [addressing his assistant] Driddle! Driddle...Driddle, change your name.
- Johnson: It's now Johnson, sir.