***Spoilers Rampant***
This stupefyingly bad romantic drama deserves a place in the annals of movies that are so bad they become good for all the wrong reasons. In the beginning, Collins and Quinlan go through all the 1970's gum-commercial moments to show us that they are "in love", culminating in their burial of a carnival necklace to signify their love and spouting some of the most ludicrous dialogue ever written. This is played with utter sincerity although Quinlan is decked out in all sorts of face-altering make-up so that she'll look different (and hopefully better) in the last 2/3rds of the film. Smeared with tan pancake make-up, wearing a wig that Marlo Thomas vetoed on "That Girl", donned with eye and nose prosthetics that give her a homely appearance and speaking in a whiny, annoying voice, she is anything but what one would imagine as a dream lover. But that's not all! They also outfitted her with false buck teeth which leave her unable to fully close her lips, so many of her words come out jangled and unintelligible. For example, when confronted by Collins with the prospect of marriage, she replies, "I don't need a feece of fafer..." So she can barely open her eyes and can't close her mouth when she and Collins and his best friend (a total buffoon who rinses toothpaste out of his mouth with BEER!!) are smashed up in a horrific car collision with a truck. From this point on, not one logical thing happens and the story takes on such an orchestra of contrivances that it becomes science fiction. Collins' gorgon of a mother (who viewers know is evil because she smokes cigarettes constantly through a plastic holder) pays to have Quinlan's face put back on, but only if she'll stay away from Collins. The mother (played by Straight) doesn't want a love affair with :::gasp::: an orphan to mess with her plans for Collins' career. So she tells Collins that Quinlan is dead. He apparently takes her word for it without ever once looking into it or even trying to see if there's a grave! A complete set of wild contrivances finally reunite the long lost couple.......and he doesn't even recognize her! You see, she is now the "normal" Quinlan replete with trendy new duds and full on glamour make-up, so he has no clue it's the chipmunk who was in the car crash with him. (And she is quite lovely. She is showcased in a wide variety of hairstyles and outfits.) It all keeps spiralling until they wind up back at the carnival necklace......at almost precisely the same time.....and have a "poignant" reunion. Astonishingly, this film, crazy and as bad as it is, still can manage to draw tears during that final scene from those who have gone along for the (insane!) ride! Collins gives a very heartfelt performance in it (however, Quinlan remains strangely stoic, which hurts the final clinch.) This movie is clearly inspired by such classic tear-jerkers as "Madame X" and "An Affair to Remember" and cribs from both of them. However, by 1979, that type of storytelling had lost all sense of reality....today even more so! It should have been a period piece. Amazingly, the director Cates had previously given audiences the stark and grim "I Never Sang For My Father" before offering up this hoot. Fans of soapy dramas who don't require much reality will love it. Fans of campy, unintentional humor will also eat it up. The only person who will likely hate it is any straight man. He will probably be off the couch and out the door before Melissa Manchester finishes howling the title song!
