Tony Curtis credited as playing...
Carlo Cofield
- Carlo Cofield: You know what I want? A box of twenty-five Monte Cristo panatellas. I want a king-size vibrator bed. I want a 35mm. Hasselblad, a Rolls-Royce convertible. I want driving gloves made from the underside of antelope ears. A bold men's cologne for the man who does something to women. A cashmere double-breasted jacket that's going to get me there first.
- Laura Califatti: Get where?
- Carlo Cofield: Doesn't matter. I want to be where the action is. I want to live a life of understated elegance.
- Laura Califatti: They use a new process. It was aromarama. You could smell it!
- Carlo Cofield: Smell what? Smelt the picture?
- Laura Califatti: Yes!... You know, they fixed up the theater so that with every scene there was a different smell. In one scene, I lured this man to a small rose garden and the audience was supposed to smell roses. They pushed this - eh, eh, this, eh...
- Carlo Cofield: Spray?
- Laura Califatti: This spray. This spray - the rose - the smell of roses. But, they make a mistake - and the audience smells fish.
- Laura Califatti: Listen, I live here alone. I let you sleep in my house, because, I know you will - you will not make a stupid attempt. Heh? You will behave. Heh? With some men, a woman is not secure. But, you're not such a man.
- Carlo Cofield: I'm not, huh?
- Laura Califatti: No. You're a friend. Ciao!
- Carlo Cofield: Look, all great salesmen are nothing more than just a uh - a collection of personality defects: the uh morality of a sieve, the... charm of a schizophrenic, the sensitivity of a rhino, and the uh - the scruples of a blackmailer.
- Carlo Cofield: What do you do now? I mean, for a living?
- Laura Califatti: I live! I live a rich life. I have my work and for me that is everything.
- Carlo Cofield: Well, I'd like to live a rich life too.
- Laura Califatti: We must all live a full life. A rich life!
- Laura Califatti: [to Rod] It is because you don't love me. Only a fool could believe it. Only a fool or someone who didn't care. Why have no jealousy for the one you love? He is my lover!
- Carlo Cofield: Oh, no, no!
- Laura Califatti: He takes me when he pleases!
- Carlo Cofield: Oh, no, no.
- Laura Califatti: We are mad for each other! Tell him!
- Carlo Cofield: I'm not her lover.
- Laura Califatti: Ah, grazie, grazie...
- Rod Prescott: What is your line there, lover boy? You a dance instructor? A paid escort? A hairdresser?
- Jim Backus: Do you want to hear me do Mr. Magoo?
- Carlo Cofield: Oh, I'd love to. Please do.
- Jim Backus: Ha-ha, by George. I'll show you the blue - prints.
- Carlo Cofield: Pecs?
- Millie Gunder: Pecs, Abs, Glutes!
- Ted Gunder: Can you beat that? She's talkin' about my glutes!
- Carlo Cofield: That's crazy!
- Sam Lingonberry: It's crazy. Homeowners are crazy. The banks are crazy. Cofield, can everybody be crazy?
- Carlo Cofield: You certainly make interesting propositions, Mrs. Prescott.
- Diane Prescott: I didn't go into it, but, there are some interesting fringe benefits. Sleep on it, Mr. Cofield.
- Millie Gunder: Mr. Cofield, do you find me attractive? I mean, if you were a man...
- Carlo Cofield: If I were a man?
- Millie Gunder: Would you be attracted to me?
- Carlo Cofield: If I were...
- Millie Gunder: I mean, it's Harry.
- Carlo Cofield: Harry?
- Millie Gunder: Well, he says that we shouldn't make love anymore! Or, anything. What do you think?
- Carlo Cofield: Well, there are certain authorities who, excuse me, who share that view. I would say this, though, I don't think, I certainly don't think its a proper or nor-, excuse me, I'm sorry, normal environment for a young healthy and beautiful girl to be in. You know?
- Laura Califatti: I think you're - going to make a pass at me. No?
- Carlo Cofield: Considering our record, so far, that's probably the most self-destructive thing - I could possibly do.
- [last lines]
- Carlo Cofield: Here we go!
- Laura Califatti: [reaching out from behind a door in having no clothes] Carlo, please!
- Carlo Cofield: I guess if you start looking at things, uh, realistically you'll never fall in love. I mean you just reject the people you can't stand, and see who's left - if anybody.
- Sam Lingonberry: That's not a pool, that's a bomb shelter.
- Carlo Cofield: A bombshelter?
- Sam Lingonberry: Yeah, I started digging it during the Eisenhower administration, then I stopped during the Kennedy administration, an now I'm wondering if it's big enough.