- [the doctor, owner of dozens of cats, is coughing]
- Doctor Pratt: I'm all right; it's just a fur ball; it's nothing. Strangely, I haven't had fur for a fortnight.
- Doctor Pratt: Well, it'll cost you five shillings.
- Morris Finsbury: Price is no object.
- Doctor Pratt: Right. Ten shillings, then. Payable in advance.
- Michael Finsbury: I never knew my parents. They were killed in a balloon ascension.
- Julia Finsbury: Well, I only knew mine vaguely. My father was a missionary. He was eaten by his Bible class.
- Michael Finsbury: Your mother?
- Julia Finsbury: She too. They never eat one without the other.
- [last lines]
- Detective: All right, come on, come on, what's going on? Come on, what is it? Come on!
- Clergyman: Please, sir, I beg of you, there's a dead man here.
- Detective: All right, no one move!
- [long pause while he realizes it's a church burial]
- Detective: Finsbury?
- Michael Finsbury, Julia Finsbury, Masterman Finsbury, Joseph Finsbury, Morris, John Finsbury: Yes?
- Detective: MORRIS Finsbury!
- John Finsbury: [turning Morris around and pointing at him] Yes.
- Detective: Morris Finsbury, I arrest you for stealing £100,000.
- Lawyer Patience: But the money has been returned, sir.
- Detective: Who are you, sir? Some sort of accomplice?
- Lawyer Patience: Certainly not: I am his solicitor.
- Detective: Oh, you've brought your solicitor with you, have you? Yes, I've met your type before.
- Lawyer Patience: No, no, no. I mean, I, I, I'm the administrator of the tontine.
- Detective: Tontine?
- Joseph Finsbury: Named after Lorenzo Tonti, a Neapolitan banker.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Joseph Finsbury: I...
- Masterman Finsbury: [interrupting] He's nobody. He's my young brother.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Masterman Finsbury: None of your business, sir!
- Detective: I shall have you arrested for indecent exposure!
- Julia Finsbury: Oh!
- Michael Finsbury: My grandfather was recently buried, sir.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Julia Finsbury: He is Michael Finsbury.
- Detective: And who are YOU, madam?
- Michael Finsbury: She is Julia Finsbury, shortly to become... Julia Finsbury!
- Detective: Young man, did you know there was a body in the piano?
- Peacock: I did it.
- Detective: Who is he?
- Michael Finsbury: He is the butler, sir.
- Detective: The butler did it?
- Michael Finsbury: No, sir. I put the body there.
- Detective: Is this true?
- Michael Finsbury: Yes sir.
- Detective: In that case, you are entitled to a reward of £1,000. You are responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just end.
- Michael Finsbury: A, a thousand pounds? Oh, but I-I-I don't, I don't deserve it. The body just arrived in a barrel.
- John Finsbury: I sent it.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Morris Finsbury: He is of diminished responsibility, officer. It was all my doing. If there's any justice in this naughty world, the reward is mine.
- Detective: And WHO are YOU?
- [falls into open grave]
- Morris Finsbury: You remember me - Morris Finsbury. I was falsely accused of stealing a hundred thousand pounds, whereas in fact it was me, and me alone, who was responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just desserts.
- Peacock: [a grand piano jammed in a doorway] You know what that is? That is stuck. That is what that is.
- Morris Finsbury: I was wondering - do you by any chance happen to have any - uh - death certificates?
- Doctor Pratt: Do I happen to have any death certificates? What a monstrous thing, sir - what a monstrous thing to say to a member of the medical profession! Do you realize the enormity of what you have just said?
- Morris Finsbury: Yes. Do you have any death certificates?
- Doctor Pratt: How many do you want?
- [Aboard a train engine after a wreck]
- First Driver: Fred?
- Stoker: Yeah?
- First Driver: We haven't heard the last of this.
- [Recounting the railway accident]
- Joseph Finsbury: I was in the water closet of the Bournemouth express when it quite unaccountably exploded, thereby extensively damaging the rest of the train. I can't really think that I was to blame, although at the time I was smoking.
- Peacock: How's your grandfather this morning?
- Michael Finsbury: He says he's dying, Peacock.
- Peacock: Oh, he always says that.
- Michael Finsbury: But Peacock, he wants to see his brother Joseph...
- Peacock: He must be dying.
- Michael Finsbury: [reading a telegram that has just been delivered] It's from Lady Pitman. She's sending back that statue we sent her. Says it's a fraud... *Was* it a fraud, Peacock?
- Peacock: Life is a fraud, Master Michael.
- Morris Finsbury: Dr. Pratt? Are you Dr. Pratt?
- Doctor Pratt: Are you from the police?
- Morris Finsbury: No.
- Doctor Pratt: Well, I am Dr. Pratt.
- Morris Finsbury: Dr. Pratt
- Doctor Pratt: Come in.
- Morris Finsbury: I was here earlier. You asked me to return.
- Doctor Pratt: Oh, yes, yes. I've got what you want. Here... black currant jelly. It contains 12 grains of arsenic. Just spread it on your mother's bread and butter.
- Morris Finsbury: Doctor, I wanted a death certificate.
- Doctor Pratt: Oh, you've done her in already, have you?
- Military Officer: [Morris has torn his trousers] Sir! I didn't lose my right eye in the Indian Mutiny to have my left eye offended by the youth of England standing around with their arses hanging out!
- Peacock: What shall we do, Master Michael? What shall we do?
- Michael Finsbury: There's only one thing to do, Peacock. We must inform the police.
- Peacock: But your grandfather's good name, sir?
- Michael Finsbury: I shall say I did it.
- Peacock: No. I am an old man. Let me say I did it.
- Michael Finsbury: What was your motive?
- Peacock: Money!
- Michael Finsbury: They'd never believe you.
- Peacock: And why not sir? After all, I haven't been paid for seven years. Begging your pardon, sir.
- Michael Finsbury: No, Peacock. It's a noble gesture, but I shall plead guilty to the crime.
- Peacock: But think of your career, sir. You have your whole life before you.
- Michael Finsbury: Yes, there is that, of course. Well, we must think of something else, then.
- Queen Victoria: In recognition of your many and varied services to the crown, I dub thee...
- [the sword descends too fast]
- Queen Victoria: Oh. We are frightfully sorry, Sir Robert.
- Joseph Finsbury: [riding with the Hackett funeral party] It is, as you know, a statistical fact that in London one person dies every twenty-five seconds - which means that it is extremely probable that one of us may not even live to arrive at the ceremony!
- Masterman Finsbury: Now, you're to go to Joseph and tell him I want to see him.
- Michael Finsbury: Yes sir. But won't that upset you sir?
- Masterman Finsbury: Upset me? Of course it'll upset me. But nothing will upset me more than not winning the tontine and leaving you with a mountain of debts and a doubtful future as an idiot in a profession of rogues and charlatans.
- Julia Finsbury: So, that's where you go every morning. I see you often, through the window.
- Michael Finsbury: Oh, what an extraordinary coincidence. I look at you through the window.
- Doctor Pratt: Now then, take off your clothes and cough.
- Morris Finsbury: Doctor, it's not me.
- Doctor Pratt: It's certainly not me, sir. It's probably one of my cats.
- Morris Finsbury: I collect eggs, doctor.
- Doctor Pratt: Yes, I enjoy an egg myself. They don't make good pets though. You can never get them in at night. They're too quiet.
- Morris Finsbury: Dr. Pratt. Rouse yourself, Dr. Pratt.
- Doctor Pratt: What... I tell you, the lady was already dead when I arrived, constable.
- Joseph Finsbury: [after boring the couple with his dry recitation of facts] I hope you don't mind if I take my leave.
- Elderly Man on Train: [pleadingly] Oh, would you sir?
- Michael Finsbury: What to do, Peacock, what to do? That's the question.
- Peacock: If I may be allowed to say, sir?
- Michael Finsbury: Anything, Peacock, anything!
- Peacock: Well, I have heard that there are in certain sectors of this great city, men, unscrupulous men, sir, who, for a price, will perform the most unsavory tasks.
- Morris Finsbury: Now what we need is a venal doctor.
- John Finsbury: But - Uncle Joseph's dead! It's too late!
- Morris Finsbury: Not for him, for us! Now, you remember that chambermaid you got into... um...
- John Finsbury: ...thing.
- Morris Finsbury: Thing. Who was the doctor who did the, um...
- John Finsbury: ...thing. Uh, Pratt, Dr. Pratt.
- Morris Finsbury: Was he venal?
- John Finsbury: I - I didn't like to ask.
- Morris Finsbury: Well, did he do the...
- John Finsbury: ...thing. Yes.
- Morris Finsbury: Good.
- John Finsbury: But... what's he got to do with it?
- Morris Finsbury: He's part of the plan. Now you and I are the only two people in the world who *know* that Uncle Joseph is, uh...
- John Finsbury: ...thing.
- Morris Finsbury: ...dead.
- John Finsbury: Morris! Do you realize it's a criminal offense to wear that coat?
- Morris: I'm not wearing any *trousers*!
- John Finsbury: ...but that too is a criminal offense!
- Joseph Finsbury: [carrying on a one-sided conversation with the Bournemouth Strangler] Ahh, the avocational activities of man are many and varied. Some demand skill - yours for instance! Carpentry... the playing of games with balls of various sizes!
- Julia Finsbury: I've always wanted an empty room of my own. Ours are so cluttered.
- Michael Finsbury: Oh, we have lots of empty rooms. Would you like to see another one?
- Morris Finsbury: I know you are a medical student, cousin, so I need hardly remind you that blood is thicker than water.
- Michael Finsbury: Yes. Five times as, I believe.
- Michael Finsbury: My grandfather is dying.
- Julia Finsbury: Oh. I'm so sorry!
- Michael Finsbury: Oh, it's nothing serious!