- Teri Yaki: [talking about Shepherd Wong] I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
- Shepherd Wong: I didn't order any fumigation! It's Wing Fool, you fat! I mean... it's Wing Fat, you fool!
- High Macha Of Rashpur: It is written - "He who makes the best egg salad shall rule over heaven and earth." Don't ask me why egg salad - I've got enough aggravation.
- Phil Moscowitz: Saracen pig! Spartan dog! Take this! And this! Roman cow! Russian snake! Spanish fly! Anglo-Saxon Hun!
- Shepherd Wong's right-hand man: You can't quit now, sir, you're winning! You're too far ahead.
- Wing Fat: Don't tell me what I can do, or I'll have my mustache eat your beard.
- Shepherd Wong: [reviewing a lineup of girls in his harem, each elevated on pedestals and visible on camera from the waist down] Loin, flank, sirloin. Why, this is the best shipment of meat we've had this year!
- The Interviewer: Woody, since the story is a bit difficult to follow, would you mind giving the audience and myself a brief rundown on what's gone on so far?
- Woody Allen: [casually] No.
- [Woody Allen watches a stripper in the closing credits]
- Woody Allen: [at the end] I promised I'd put her in the film, somewhere.
- Phil Moscowitz: Don't look now, honey. This is the obligatory scene. The director always has to walk through with his wife.
- [a couple walks by in front of the camera]
- Phil Moscowitz: Egomaniac!
- High Macha Of Rashpur: Good afternoon. I am the Grand Exalted High Macha of Raspur, a nonexistent but real-sounding country.
- Phil Moscowitz: Uh-huh.
- High Macha Of Rashpur: Yes. We're on a waiting list. As soon as there's an opening on the map, we're next.
- Suki Yaki: I managed to find a woman's dress but I couldn't find a stitch of underwear.
- Phil Moscowitz: No underwear, huh? I find that very interesting.
- Suki Yaki: Don't excite yourself. I never sleep with a man who owns a dress.
- Phil Moscowitz: Me neither. I feel the same way.
- Woman in control room: You had us worried. What have you been up to?
- Phil Moscowitz: Well, nothing much really to report... by the way, I was almost shot and killed just before the opening credits.
- Shepherd Wong: You want egg salad, I'll give you egg salad! Did you bring the mayonnaise?
- Suki Yaki: Mayonnaise?
- Shepherd Wong: I told you to take a jar!
- Suki Yaki: Boy is he weird.
- Shepherd Wong: Oh, nevermind. If there's none on board, forget it. We'll use Miracle Whip. Heee-yee-hee-hee-ha-ha!
- Suki Yaki: Who arranged my escape?
- Phil Moscowitz: Have you no idea?
- Suki Yaki: I had an idea it was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir... but they have no motive.
- Phil Moscowitz: [while printing the microfilm code] And now I will read you some ancient erotic poetry. "There once was a man from Nantucket..."
- Wing Fat: You fool! You're leading me on.
- Phil Moscowitz: How do I know after I give you the recipe you won't kill me.
- [runs his finger over his throat]
- Wing Fat: Kill you? Come on.
- [opens jacket]
- Wing Fat: Does this look like the body of a killer?
- Phil's Date: [while wrapped in a towel] Name three presidents.
- Phil Moscowitz: Roosevelt, McKinley...
- [Unwraps her towel and looks at her]
- Phil Moscowitz: ...Lincoln?
- Prison warden: This is your warden speaking. Do not try to escape. You haven't got a chance! We have the prison surrounded. No one can get over the wall. We'll have more reasons why you'll never get away in a moment. But first, here's Len Maxwell with the weather.
- Phil Moscowitz: What are we doing here?
- Palace servant: Just shut up and get on your knees. In a moment you will see a beautiful set of teeth.
- High Macha Of Rashpur: It's rough with a new country. Do you realize the entire population is still packed in crates?
- Phil Moscowitz: Good luck. I am sure you'll get your country on the globe.
- High Macha Of Rashpur: Thank you. I'm hoping for something between Spain and Greece. It's really much warmer there.
- Woody Allen: They wanted in Hollywood to make the definitive spy picture. And they came to me to supervise the project, you know, because I think that, if you know me at all, you know that death is my bread and danger my butter - oh, no, danger's my bread, and death is my butter. No, no, wait. Danger's my bread, death - no, death is - no, I'm sorry. Death is my - death and danger are my various breads and various butters.
- High Macha Of Rashpur: [displaying a printed floor plan] This is Shepherd Wong's home.
- Phil Moscowitz: He lives in that piece of paper?
- Wing Fat: Mother and I have always been very close. And the best thing about her is: she takes a good punch.
- [Punches her]
- Hoodlum: A cobra? I don't like snakes. You have to pamper them so much, fer cryin' out loud?
- Cobra Man: Don't say anything to upset my snake! It's the most important day of his life. It's his wedding night and he's very nervous. He's been looking forward to this... for a very long time! He's going to marry a chicken!
- [Lowers the hen inside the cobra's cage]
- Cobra Man: Here comes the bride!
- [the cobra presumably attacks the hen offscreen and the hoodlum runs away, crying in disgust]
- Hoodlum: I always cry at weddings!
- Phil Moscowitz: That's a very unusual pin you're wearing.
- Suki Yaki: If I remove it, one of my parts falls off.
- Wing Fat: That's a very special camera. It takes pictures of you with all your clothes on but when they develop, you come out naked! You lay one single finger on me and I'll peddle them in every schoolyard in town. So you see, you'd better not mess around with me unless you're all completely unashamed of your bodies.
- Shepherd Wong: You win this round. But we shall meet again, Wing Fat.
- Wing Fat: Not if I see you first. And now I'm going home, develop those pictures and have a few laughs at your chubby thighs.
- Phil Moscowitz: No bullets? Ah, but if all of you in the audience who believe in fairies will clap your hands, then my gun will be magically filled with bullets.
- High Macha Of Rashpur: Gangsters have stolen my secret recipe for egg salad. And not only that - they kill, they maim and they call Information for numbers they could easily look up in the book.
- Phil Moscowitz: Hey, taxi! Kidnap us, please, and step on it!
- Cab Driver: Did you say "kidnap"?
- Phil Moscowitz: Yes, that's right.
- Cab Driver: Alright, but first it's time for a little sightseeing. Coming up on your right is the world-renowned factory where the broken Japanese toys are made.
- Phil Moscowitz: Would you like a drink? Would you like to take another bath? Would you like to see my collection of off-color, Italian hand gestures? Could I interest you in a naked picture of Hugh Hefner?
- Suki Yaki: I never saw anyone who thought of sex so much. You know, you're kinda cute in your own way. I could really fall for you.
- Phil Moscowitz: Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes and bring a cattle prod.
- Wing Fat: [Surrounded by Shepard Wong's henchman] Ha, ha, ha! The joke's on you, I threw that suitcase overboard to my henchman. He's right out there!
- Guy On The Boat: Hey boss! Hey Boss! I got the bag! Oh, I'm such a terrific henchman!
- Shepherd Wong: That's too bad. I was going to marry her. I already put a deposit on twin cemetery plots.
- Smiling young man: Would the owner of the rickshaw with license plate number 406, please remove it. Your coolie has a hernia.