The Great St. Trinian's Train Robbery

As youngsters, there are certain things that we all believe in. Father Christmas. The Easter Bunny. The Tooth Fairy. Not me, though. I was different - I believed in St. Trinian's school. I was convinced in fact until I was at least twenty that this school was actually a real place. I'm not a stupid person by any means, so it must have been because I wanted such a place to exist that I spent most of my time in the library browsing phone directories in a fruitless effort to discover exactly where it was. I thought I had it narrowed down to the Home Counties somewhere in Hertfordshire or Bedfordshire, and was quite prepared to try and visit the place in person and leer at all those sixth-form schoolgirls in their gym-slips, stockings and suspenders. The best day of my life was probably when we had a fancy dress day at school and a couple of my female class-mates turned up in a replica uniform, and boy, did they look good! I'm not sure what the teachers thought, because they were only about thirteen I should think, and they definitely were wearing the stockings and suspenders!

These days of course the politically correct brigade would do all they can to prevent young girls dressing like this (even though it was all in good fun and for charity) and these films are often treated in the same way by many reviewers - with scorn and ridicule. The "girls" in the film who are wearing the full "sixth form" stockings and suspenders style uniform are of course well over the age of sixteen and into adulthood, though that doesn't stop some people wondering that maybe films like this encourage paedophilia and turning young girls into sex objects. Maybe there are some dangerous people out there who get a hard-on over uniforms and schoolgirls by watching this film, but I would hope that most, like me, were schoolboys themselves when they first saw this film, and that kind of makes it alright. It's all a bit of harmless fun, and like the "Carry On" films and other more politically incorrect 'stockings and suspenders' stuff where women are shown as sex objects first and characters after (Vicki Michele from "Allo Allo" is a good example), it's true to say they don't make stuff like this any more.

St. Trinian's itself, the brainchild of artist Ronald Searle (as I later discovered!), is seen here for the first time in colour. This, "The Great Train Robbery", is the fourth in the series. A little-known and less-often seen fifth film from 1980 is "The Wildcats of St. Trinian's". As is usual with long-running franchises such as this, the quality does tale of noticeably with each instalment. This film, though not in the same league as the first "Belles of St. Trinians" in 1954, comes across as "Citizen Kane" in comparison to the very weak "Wildcats" entry in 1980. The main advantage this has over the first three is probably the fact that it is in colour.

Unlike most people, I happen to think that St. Trinians rocks. I always have done. I wanted to go to school there. I still do. Words cannot describe how disappointed I was when I found out it didn't really exist. In this day and age of political correctness, it probably never will again - and that's a bit sad. 7/10

Though George Cole stayed put as the wily "Flash Harry", the stylishness and mischief of the Sim/Grenfell films has been replaced by the more crass, innuendo-laden and colour performances from Frankie Howerd and Dora Bryan. Raymond Huntley ("Sir Horace") is the government minister who decides to allocate £85,000 to locate the ailing school and to keep it up to date with the times. Thing is, it's headmistress "Amber" (Bryan) is his bit-on-the-side and she uses the cash to ensure the school becomes little better than a state of the art gambling facility that wouldn't have looked out of place in Atlantic City. Unbeknown to them all though, the old building in which their school is now housed has already been used for a nefarious purpose by some train robbers. Needless to say, they want access to their ill-gotten gains hidden under the floorboards - and when the unruly girls get wise to their plotting, shenanigans galore ensue! Bryan and Howerd both have good comedy coming and a degree of chemistry, but the latter is too domineering as an actor and as character - and as I was never really his biggest fan anyway, I found he rather robbed the thing of any subtlety or hint of comedic sophistication. If you like, "St. Trinians" is now steaming towards "Carry On" territory and leaving behind it the charming boisterousness of previous iterations. It isn't terrible and some of the humour is still quite perky, but these have run their course now, I'd say.

THE GREAT ST. TRINIAN'S TRAIN ROBBERY was the last of the St. Trinian's quartet (until the unwise attempt at revamping the series in 1980 with WILDCATS) and, to my mind, the most entertaining of the bunch. Whereas the earlier instalments of the 1950s were in black and white, quite slow moving and dated in their humour - nope, I don't find the sight of Alistair Sim in drag particularly funny - this is more like the British comedy films of the '60s and '70s that I know and love.

Headlining the cast is Frankie Howerd - hooray! - as a criminal mastermind who's successfully carried out a train robbery with his crooked gang, including plenty of familiar faces (such as Reg Varney of ON THE BUSES fame). The only problem is that the loot is hidden in an old building now inhabited by the St. Trinian's gang, so retrieving it is going to be tricky.

What follows is a quirky escapade full of the usual hooliganism and outrageous shenanigans as a battle of wits ensues between schoolgirls, teachers and robbers. George Cole is back as Flash Harry, although as usual he has little to do, but Dora Bryan is great value as quirky headmistress Amber Spottiswood. Watch out too for Eric Barker, Michael Ripper and Terry Scott popping up in brief roles.

Things really pick up for the extended climax set on the train tracks. Steam trains and carriages are flying back and forth to great effect and the film reaches farcical levels at this point, ending on a high.

I remember seeing this in the cinema when it first came out. It is a lame version of the St TRINIANS films as were released in the fifties, but it had Frankie Howerd and Dora Bryan, among my favourites. The sad thing is they just don't make these sort of films any more,. True, ribald,funny British films. Just like Will Hay, the Carry On Films and Maragret Rutherford films: no politically correct nonsense, no fears of misinterpretation of paedophilia, no forced representation of different cultural groups, just good old British fun like a good dollop of treacle pudding with custard. People just took more responsibility for stuff back then without complaining about every damn thing!. That's why I like this film - that and of an England we are sadly losing! The film itself does get very boring when they are racing up and down the tracks but it is well done and I can recognise some of the places.

The fourth part of the St. Trinian's themed films is the first to be shot in colour, and also the point where someone should have realised that this series had run out of steam. Based on Ronald Searle's demonic schoolgirls, this outing cribs off of the topical Great Train Robbery of the 60s, retains George Cole as a reassuring presence, while adding Dora Bryan and Frankie Howerd for some acting solidification.

It's not a bad film as such, in fact the last quarter, where a whole host of train shenanigans come into play, is great fun, it's just that it feels tired, less risky, like the makers were hedging their bets to get a box office winner (which came to fruition). Fast framing is a bit of a cheat, Howerd is wasted - or sleepwalking through the film? But Bryan is on hand for a bit of quality while the girls are all boisterous and minxy.

Enjoyable enough for those so inclined, even if it's utterly forgettable come the final credits. 6/10