The Cremators

Weird alien life is rolling around and turning people into ash piles. While this sounds like it could be an intriguing premise, don't be fooled this is a truly dull film. Most of the movie involves people talking or just walking around as some shocking reveal music being played anytime there is even a modest advancement in the narrative. The cremation scenes are mostly forgettable with the exception of a few hilarious attempts at acting by some of the victims. But it is not worth even the very short runtime of 75 minutes.

I suppose you could use it as background noise as it will almost never pull your attention away from anything else that you might choose to do.

... great balls of crap!

A burning alien sphere crashes to Earth, the only witnesses an Indian and a fish: the Indian was engulfed by the ball and turned to ash; the fish swam away. So begins this utterly atrocious low-budget sci-fi oddity from director Harry Essex, who is perhaps best known for writing '50s sci-fi classic It Came from Outer Space.

The story kicks off proper three centuries after the arrival of the flaming globe, at the lake into which it sank. It is there that entomologist Dr. Iane Thorne (Marvin Howard) discovers strange minerals that glow and make weird beeping sounds; he shows these to his friend and fellow scientist Dr. Willy Seppel (Eric Allison), but neither can figure out what it is they have found. Further samples are found inside the body of the cat belonging to Thorne's long-haired draft dodger pal Mason (Mason Caulfield). Meanwhile, the alien sphere has been emerging from the lake and attacking people, reducing them to cinders. Can Thorne work out what the hell is going on before the viewer falls asleep?

Essex's direction is lifeless, Howard makes for a bland protagonist, and the film's visual effects are far from special (especially considering the man responsible, Doug Beswick, would go on to much better things). Countless cutaways to the bleeping stones pad out the runtime, and there's a dull romance between Thorne and Seppel's niece Jeanne (aria De Aragon) for good measure. The drawn-out finale, which sees Thorne laying a trap for the glowing orange orb, is completely bereft of tension and excitement.

1/10. If you should happen across this film, be like the fish and swim away.

A droning narrator tells us about the legend of THE CREMATORS: Three hundred years ago, giant, flaming cheeezeballs from outer space enjoyed chasing native Americans around, before reducing them to ashes.

Now, Dr. Iane Thorne (Marvin Howard), who writes "bug books", has discovered a glowing rock in his pool, while Mason (aka: "The Hippie") runs around holding cats over his head. Soon, Dr. Thorne is performing a feline autopsy and the local postman is a pile of cinders.

It appears that the rolling orbs of fiery death have returned, for reasons known only to whatever cult of cat-waving hippies threw this "film" together. In no time, unknown non-actors are consumed in flame like so many no-name marshmallows! Romance blooms for Thorne and the first woman he's seen in years. Is there no god in heaven to put a stop to this?

Absurd and terminally dull, this movie is only for those few, brave souls able to withstand a severe brain hammering!

BEWARE: The tedium contained herein could douse the sun! So, wear protective gear!

P. S.- For added "fun", see if you can count the number of times the word "bug" is used!...

Oh good grief.

Low production values. Special effects that are twenty years out of date. Dull and sometimes flailing direction. Humble and bland writing. A monster movie with a rather unimaginative monster. The transparent themes of human consumption of resources and destruction of life are admirable, but can 100% be found in other, far better films. We've seen this film both before and since, many times over, and done in ways that were better and more interesting. There are few standards by which 'The cremators' isn't a dud.

I guess the filming locations are nice. Some parts of the music would be okay if they weren't so repetitive; others are just overdone. The cast do their job on a baseline level. There is a story here, but it's meagerly written, and plot development is piecemeal. Between the sequencing, pacing, and the mere fact of some of the more questionable ideas that were thrown in, a title that is barely over seventy minutes long crawls laboriously. I suppose there are some good ideas here, but are they worth so much as to warrant sitting through an affair that's mostly so uniformly taxing as a viewing experience? I don't think so.

'The cremators' isn't the worst thing you could watch, yet this is a picture that is wholly unable to carry a spark, or build any excitement, even in those moments when it's mostly clearly trying to, including the climax. All the sincere effort that anyone put into it can't overcome a flat tone, weak construction, and notions that couldn't be picked out in a crowd. It's not that it's abjectly bad, but that there's simply no reason to sit for it in the first place. Yawn.

Three hundred years ago, something from space fell into the lake giving rise to a giant mobile fireball that appears periodically to roll through the countryside incinerating people and animals. This low-budget time-waster is based on Julian May's 1951 novella 'Dune Roller' (which had been previously recreated as an episode of 'Tales of Tomorrow' (s.1, ep. 15, 1951) and as a BBC audio-drama in 1961). The script, acting and cinematography are amateurish, the simple story doesn't make a lot of sense, and depiction of the roving ball of fire is underwhelming (the repeated scenes of the fiery orb emerging from the lake and its pursuit of the woman in the rowboat are the best parts of the film). The soundtrack is annoyingly intrusive and the frequent ominous audio-flourishes when scenes change quickly become laughable. For tolerant aficionados only.