Love Machine

The network TV news business as a sleazy cesspool, with John Phillip Law as the titular news-anchor who sleeps his way to the top. Nice idea to have Dionne Warwicke do the song vocals for this movie-adaptation of Jacqueline Susann's bestseller (a la "Valley Of The Dolls")...though it's really too bad this sudser doesn't have Patty Duke's Neely O'Hara to spike the story. "The Love Machine" is unrelievedly dull. Even the final brawl (with an Academy Award as a fight prop!) can't save it. Dyan Cannon seems embalmed in her heavy pancake make-up and cumbersome fall (although her tiny, suntanned figure is a beauty to behold), Law is a handsome block of wood, while David Hemmings is embarrassing in gay-mode as a flamboyant photographer. And where is Robin Stone walking to at the end? Is he trekking out to the waterfront to pick up some sailors? After Cannon has deflated his masculinity, it would be a safe bet. In that case, "Love Machine--The Final Episode" might have been a more interesting flick. Certainly better than this yawn-inducing snooze-opera. *1/2 from ****

The second in Jacqueline Susann's triad of saucy, salacious, showbiz-based novels adapted into movies, this one will delight fans of tacky, trashy film, but may disappoint those who enjoyed the book. Law (in at the 11th hour for a severely injured Brian Kelly) plays an ambitious, sexually-manipulative TV news anchor who catches the eye of a network executive's wife. The wife (Cannon) encourages her husband (Ryan) to hire him on in a higher capacity and before long, he is running the network while the exec is recovering from a massive coronary! He dumps his model girlfriend (Wexler) and takes Cannon to bed. Though Law and Cannon share a couple of blissful unions, Law also canoodles with an endless parade of models, groupies, hookers and anything else in a skirt. It has something to do with an unexplored subplot (fleshed out in the book) of his fear of being alone at night. Apart from the sexual shenanigans (which are suggestive, but not really very explicit), the film also focuses on Law's battles at the network. He tangles with long-term VP Cooper, sets up schlocky comedian Greene with his own series and somehow manages to evade sleeping with office tramp Arthur. It all comes to a head when Ryan begins to recover and wants to take back his reign, but gets considerable resistance from Law. So Ryan considers a smear campaign involving a gay actor (Greyn) and a gay photographer (Hemmings) that Law has been associated with in the past, as friends. The film ends on an ambiguous (to say the least!) note as if the company ran out of film stock. Law is attractive, but uncharismatic and stiff. It's easy to see the physical attraction for him, but impossible to figure out the emotional one. Wexler is extremely weak in her role, though she has several eye-opening appearances in various "high-fashion" get-ups. Ryan adds a tinge of credibility to the film with his firm presence and Cooper is excellent as the threatened second banana. Cannon is severely miscast in her role, but overcomes it rather well. Her ample physical charms are often put to good use (though a few of her ensembles are downright monstrosities that either swallow her up or make her look exceedingly uncomfortable - Check out the green corseted number with the black turtleneck top!) Greene is appropriately low-brow as a sort of in-the-flesh Fred Flintstone who has no class and knows it. Arthur takes her sexpot secretary from "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" and ratchets it up even further, sensually. Hemmings gets in a few catty licks tempered with some down-to-earth moments with a character that is almost completely stereotypical. For a film that was produced by Susann's own husband, the product certainly is a let-down from the book. It seems to remove nearly all of the juiciest aspects of the novel and has an overriding sterile quality (the one exception being a raucous, laughably-overwrought fight scene at the end.) The storyline has been hacked down, but it doesn't feel as if it was completely thought out. Attempts to tie in the "ankh" from the book go nowhere at all and when it's finished it all seems so pointless unless its existence as a snapshot of horrendously bad 70's fashion has historical value. That doesn't mean it isn't fun on a campy level, but it's nowhere near the deliriousness of "Valley of the Dolls".

Even though this film was nothing special as such, I am drawn to comment on at least one factor that ruled in its favour - that of the lead female performer in the film, Dyan Cannon. In spite of the film's ridiculous storyline and what she goes through here, hers was the best acting job in the film, making the unbelievable seem more plausible. Her raucous scene with the gay photographer David Hemmings has to be seen to be believed. Good work, Dyan.

I just got this gem off of ebay and was quite disappointed .. for three factors ..

1. No nude John Phillip Law .. I've seen stills from the movie which detail his beautiful naked ass, in bed with two women, but these scenes are absent from the movie 2. The supposed "several steamy" sex scenes .. tame by today's standards, but again, I didn't see anything either than sheets moving around and some nipples .. where did they hide it all? This movie was marketed as being the steamiest movie since Midnight Cowboy and there are no naked people running around .. :-( .. is there another version to this movie that's maybe NC 17? Does Europe have the advantage of the better uncut version than we paranoid Puritan North Americans? WHERE IS THE NAKED JOHN PHILLIP LAW? .. like Danger Diabolik, people overestimate his nakedness in a movie .. he might have been jaybird, you don't get to see it .. :-( :-( :-( 3. Plot .. okay, stretching here .. but John's acting wasn't that bad .. given the script and his deplorably bad supporting cast .. he was cute all the way thru it .. better than his portrayal of a bird man in Barbarella .. just stand there and breathe John, you've just found your acting worth .. now show us that magnificent chest of yours .. hmm hmmm ..

Dyan Cannon can't act her way out of a brown paper bag .. worse .. !!!she looks like she's been dolled up on Halcion in every scene she's in .. the only character worth rooting for was the amazon whore who was slapped around by Law's character .. she seemed to have a lot of depth .. for her 2 minute scene .. I felt sorry for her ..

The scenery and set design was typically bad 70's porn movie castoffs ... and what's with the dinner suit that the network exec keeps wearing? Is he expecting it to get better than this? 'fraid not!

Shecky Green in ill fitting mismatched clothing made me sick to my stomach.. when he moved I thought the room was spinning ..

Overall, I'd give this movie /5 out of ten .. just cuz it was soooo bad, you just had to follow it to the miserable conclusion to see how it ends..

Thank god no director worth his spit would dredge up slop like this and try to find a modern audience for it ..

600 characters is alittle much for cheese like this. This just popped on YT and Im happy to report I had fun watching. Sets, costumes, casting are all above tv movie calibur but the inside tv exec struggle is laughably lame. Dion Warwick sings a time setting imitation Hal David tune that puts one right in the groove.

Glossy, well intentioned trash can be fun. Theres a bit of homophobia here that is remembered as part of the time, if not unforgivable. Sexually agressive women too. Its very Jackie Susanne and feels like Beyond The Valley of the Dolls without being aware of the joke. I prefer lame melodrama to lame MCU.