- Cpt. George Mainwaring: I could have sworn that they would never break through the Maginot line.
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Quite right sir, they didn't.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: I thought now. I'm a pretty good judge of these matters you know Wilson.
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: They went round the side.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: I see... they what!
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: They went round the side.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: That's a typical shabby Nazi trick, you see the sort of people we're up against Wilson.
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Most unreliable sir.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: Wilson, find something for Jones to do will you.
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Yes, alright sir, just leave it to me. Jones, would you mind please just going outside and lining the men up and just doing things with them.
- Pvt. Joe Walker: I thought you said I could have the night off, I've got a date.
- L. Cpl. Jack Jones: You've got to do your duty, she can wait.
- Pvt. Joe Walker: I know that she can wait but I can't.
- A.R.P. Warden Hodges: Who do you think you are?
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: We're the Local Defense Volunteers, and I'm their appointed commander, Captain Mainwaring, and I must ask you to keep your hands off my privates!
- [Mainwaring and Wilson have just left Godfrey watching the Channel]
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: It's a beautiful sunset, sir.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: It's a beautiful land, Wilson. They're not going to get it, you know. We shall fight them until we have just one round each, and we'll use that on ourselves!
- [pause]
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: By the way, how much ammunition have we got?
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: [trying not to laugh] One round each, sir!
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: [when the improvised weapon made of bathtub fell into the water with Walker inside and begun to sink] Quick Walker - put the plug in!
- Verger Maurice Yeatman: What am I going to do, sir? If I'm not back in fifteen minutes with the answer, the vicar's going to be very upset.
- Maj. Gen. Fullard: Why?
- Verger Maurice Yeatman: They're going to shoot him.
- [Jones' "Anti Dive Bomber Gun" has set a barn alight]
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: One thing, Jones. I don't think you should have added the bicarbonate of soda.
- [three Luftwaffe airmen are holding several people hostage in the Church Hall, when the platoon enter disguised as a choir, singing "All Things Bright and Beautiful"]
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: Frazer, get behind him.
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: And I will get his gun.
- L. Cpl. Jack Jones: And I will take my bayonet, and stick it up his...
- Nazi pilot: Halt!
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: [leaning close to Mainwaring] I think they've rumbled us.
- [Mainwaring has pulled out his revolver]
- Nazi pilot: If you don't put that gun down, I will shoot you!
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: And if you don't put that gun down, I will shoot you!
- Nazi pilot: I give you one last warning!
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: And I give you one last warning!
- Nazi pilot: One!
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: One!
- Nazi pilot: Two!
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: Two!
- Nazi pilot: Three!
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: Three! If you shoot me, there are seven men to take my place!
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Did you know that German's gun was empty, sir?
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: As a matter of fact, Wilson, so was mine!
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: We have an invaluable weapon in our army, ingenuity and improvisation.
- Pvt. James Frazer: That's two.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: What's that supposed to be?
- Pvt. Frank Pike: Well, you said if we hadn't got anything else, we were to tie a carving knife to a broomhandle.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: I didn't mean that you were to leave the broom at the end of the handle, you stupid boy!
- Pvt. Frank Pike: Well, you should have said!
- Maj. Gen. Fullard: Damn bank clerk.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: I happen to be the manager!
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well of course you are sir.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: Just a minute Wilson. I intend to mould those men out there into an aggressive fighting force and I'm not going to get very far if you keep inviting them to "step this way" in that nancy voice.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: He's got a gun.
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Yes I know, I can see that sir, yes.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: Well, I'm the officer.
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well of course you are sir, yes.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: I should have that.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: Why does he call you uncle?
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well you see, I've known his mother for a number of years, she's a widow and she has my ration book and I go round to her house sometimes for meals... and that sort of thing.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: What sort of thing?
- Sgt. Arthur Wilson: Well... um... sort of... other...
- Mavis Pike: Frank, where have you been, you know your tea's been in the oven for over an hour. You're to come home at once.
- Pvt. Frank Pike: I can't come home now mum, we're learning how to be soldiers.
- Mavis Pike: Well you'll just have to learn how to be soldiers some other time.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: Half the platoon will be in the Novelty Rock Emporium and from Stone's Amusement Arcade we shall be strongly supported by the rest of the platoon, on bicycles.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: If anyone approaches you shout 'halt, who goes there' and take down their credentials.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: Well men, I've got some good news for you.
- Pvt. James Frazer: Oh, you mean our rifles have come.
- Cpt. George Mainwaring: No, but the ammunition has.
- [the platoon are marching back from the camp when an air raid siren is heard, quickly followed by the sound of gunfire and aircraft engines]
- Pvt. Joe Walker: Blimey, that was quick! I can hear a plane already!
- Maj. Gen. Fullard: [Realises that Mainwaring is in charge of the platoon] Good heavens - it's that damned bank clerk!
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