Les monstres de la planète des singes

Huh?

What?

Vampire cavemen? Sex replaced by flashing multi-colored light bulbs? Guys in dinosaur suits? A film half made of stock footage?

This isn't just bad, it's inexplicably bad. DO NOT WATCH THIS ALONE. Make sure to have a friend or two with whom you can swap wisecracks about this... this... HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS.

The end of this movie has nothing to do with the beginning. The middle has nothing to do with the end or the beginning. Not only does this planet change colors, but apparently at least one woman on it manages to change races, switching periodically back and forth between Filipino and Caucasian.

And remember, kids, the red radiation is the most dangerous to human life. Here, let me demonstrate with this spectrum gun.

WHAT THE HELL??????

HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS is Director Al Adamson's magnum opus. It concerns a global outbreak of vampirism, leading to a deep space mission to the planet of the plague's origin. We know this, thanks to the intense narration by "Brother" Theodore Gottlieb.

John Carradine explains the ensuing mission, which does little to prepare us for the lunacy that follows. Upon arrival, the astronauts watch "from afar" as clips from other movies are shown, supposedly having to do with whatever the hell is going on! Cavemen encounter snake-men, bat-men, and lobster-men, on their way to find sacred oil, while the astronauts "look on" from that other film.

This isn't so much a movie, as it is a test of will. Much like seeing how long one can endure being slowly baked in a kiln.

Otherworldly, discombobulating, and disconcerting, Adamson spared every expense, splicing and dicing this masterwork of garbled, drive-in fodder. Watch agog, as this miraculous mutation unfolds in all of its unbridled glory! This is cinema as God intended...

Plot

In the near future with a intergalactic vampire plague threatening earth, an expedition is sent to a distant galaxy in hopes of discovering the plague's source. Landing on a mysterious planet they discover that Spectrum radiation has turned the atmosphere into a one-color tint. Exploring further, the group discovers living dinosaurs, a race of vampire cavemen, and other strange creatures.

Cast

Outside of John Carradine unfamiliar with anyone involved, I do find it interesting that the writer did nothing else though. Probably best.

Verdict

Horror of the Blood Monsters I assumed would be a hokey 70's creature feature of some description, within 5 minutes I assumed based on what I was watching it would be instead a goofy vampire movie with some of the most questionable looking vampires in cinema history. I was wrong on both counts, so very very very wrong.

So what is it? Well after 5 minutes of exposition about vampires and suggesting that's what the movie is going to be it suddenly becomes a very dated looking science fiction movie set on a space ship that looks like had been created by Blue Peter and then descends into a non-sensical plot that involves cave men. Yes, vampires to space ships to cavemen and that's not even the worst part.

Yes the worst elements are why this is a 1/10, I don't give 1/10's very often as that suggests the film is devoid of a single redeeming feature but this right here I can confidently say doesn't have one.

You see after the horror tease and the segway into tacky science fiction we arrive at the vast majority of the movie which is ruined by awful acting, random stock footage, a non-sensical plot and filters.....random colored filters! Everything is green, then red, then pink, then orange, it's deeply annoying and illogical oh and headache inducing!

I can't stress how bad Horror of the Blood Monsters is, because it's indescribable, unique and a flurry of random imagery that doesn't constitute as a movie at all.

Rants

Why? Just why did they think those filters were a good idea? Then again why did someone sign off on this at all? It's like a fever dream, induced by too many illegal substances and written by a child bouncing off the walls on energy drinks. Awful, just awful.

The Good

The opening scene the dated isn't awful

The Bad

Abyssal acting Those filters!

Story is a mess Teases one genre then veers into another.

Ah, they don't make them like this any more.

Horror of the Blood Monsters is truly a crazy film. It's a biscuit-taking exercise in Z-Grade film-making of the variety that makes you say, 'I cannot believe they did this!'. It's a curious mixture of ineptness and experimentation that results in a somewhat unforgettable cinematic experience. Whether that's a good or a bad thing is entirely down to your tolerance for premier division crapola.

As has been stated many times, the film incorporates segments from a few old movies, including a Filipino caveman adventure and dinosaur film. These are linked together (loosely, to say the least) by sci-fi and horror sections, which in themselves don't seem to be connected very well either. In other words, it's a shambles. By, my word, it's a fun shambles to watch.

The story is half-hearted at best. The film-makers certainly didn't treat it with very much importance, so neither will I. Instead, I shall give a stream-of-conscious list of things that this movie contains….

We have vampires with plastic teeth. We have narration by a madman called Brother Theodore. We have a mission-control that is run by a man and a woman and a bloke with a clipboard. We have a chain-smoking space crew lead by an ancient doctor played by a (drunk?) John Carradine. We have a space-ship made out of a bottle of detergent, the interior of which consists of a table and two extremely uncomfortable looking wooden deck-chairs. We have special-effects of the special-needs variety – the outer space scenes would look unrealistic in an episode of The Clangers. We have an elephant with door-mats stuck to it, crap dinosaurs and space gazelles. We have crab-men, bat-men, snake-men and midgets. We have a war between good cavemen and vampire cavemen. We have a cave-woman who changes race depending on who she is on screen with at a given time. We have morally dubious brain-surgery, performed in order to allow for inter-stellar communications. We have epic battles of extremely badly choreographed proportions. We have a space age psychedelic sex machine. We have an alien atmosphere that changes colours constantly in order for the movie to incorporate old black and white footage seamlessly with the colour bits, or because of radiation or something. Generally speaking, we have a lot of things going on in this movie.

It's a laugh-riot.

It goes beyond so bad it's good – it's so bad it's experimental. I would say, celebrate it. It should cheer you up.

Also released as: `Creatures of the Prehistoric Planet', `Horror Creatures of the Prehistoric Planet', `Space Mission of the Lost Planet', and `Vampire Men of the Lost Planet'.

Al Adamson again proves that anything Edward D. Wood, Jr. could do badly by accident, Adamson could do worse on purpose! As with several other Adamson projects, this one started as a Filipino feature, from which Adamson clipped footage and then shot new footage to be added.

John Carradine plays a scientist who traces a group of vampire killers on Earth to a previously unknown planet, where he and his crew have to fight vampire cavemen, snakemen, and other badly done makeup jobs from the cribbed Filipino footage.

The original film was in black-and-white, but the new scenes were filmed in color.

Was this a problem for Adamson? Of course not! Al just tinted the black-and-white scenes and then had his astronaut characters explain that the tint was a side effect of the planet's radiation (what else?)

Also starring Vicki Volante and Robert Dix. A voice-over narration by Theodore Gottlieb tries in vain to bring it all together. When the film flopped at the box office, Adamson tried his patented re-title-and re-release method -- which never works. But it did give the public four more chances to unwittingly see his rotten movie.