The Amazing Transplant

This is classic Doris Wishman - shots of dead air, horrible dubbing, impossibly bad acting, New York City streetscapes, and scene direction so terrible that'll it make you gasp. (Also expect a ton of her signature feet shots and eccentric art direction; this time around it involves a puzzling equestrian theme). Anyway, if you know Doris and like her take on gonzo sleaze, "The Amazing Transplant" is gonna be a fun time. Similar to "Bad Girls Go to Hell" "Deadly Weapons" and "Double Agent 73," this movie is, in its awfulness, pretty consistently funny. My only real complaint with "Transplant," as an unintentional comedy, is that the sex scenes are way too long. (Picture a 5-min scene between two ugly people, most of which comprises shots of the guy's bare arse. Yeah...). That said, expect to fast forward through some parts. It is worth it, though, because almost every scene is laughable in some way. (The scene with the killer's mom, whose dress sports multiple mustard stains, had us laughing heartily). If you are new to Doris Wishman, and feel up to the task of viewing some of the poorest film-making imaginable, I'd start with "Bad Girls Go to Hell," because it showcases all the signatures of the Wishman style, minus half the sleaziness of "Transplant." If you had a good time with "Bad Girls," and weren't offended or anything, queue up "The Amazing Transplant." This is unintentional surrealism at its sleazy finest. Further proof that Wishman was, alongside Coleman Francis, America's most inept film director.

No, PERCY (1971) wasn't the first penis transplant movie. The sultana of sleaze, Doris Wishman (one of the only women directing exploitation movies at the time), directed and wrote this oddball softcore horror drama first. Arthur (Juan Fernandez) can't get it up, so he seeks the aid of a doctor who transplants his recently deceased friend's member onto him. Soon the operation goes sour and he finds himself in hiding after he kills his girlfriend. For some reason gold earrings set him off! In flashbacks, he seduces, rapes and/or murders other women. One is played by porn star Kim Pope. Another is a fat lesbian, and she gets sick after they do it and hovers over the toilet as Wishman's never-stable camera tilts down for a nice shot of the ladies zitty rear-end!

There's plenty here to entertain cult movie and Wishman fans (including lots of her trademark bizarre camera placements and tracking shots) and at times hints of (gasp!) substance rear their ugly head before being immediately trampled over by the next ridiculous or implausible plot move, terrible performance or laughable line of dialogue.

The version I saw was unrated, but could get a soft X rating for all of the soft core sex scenes and nudity.

Score (only if you're a sleazehound or Doris fan): 5 out of 10

A classic Wishman theme: male sexual insecurity plus female sexual desire (represented here by golden earrings) equals lots of violence. But somehow it's less intense than her earlier roughies, perhaps because of the larger cast or more frequent scene changes (invariably proceeded by "walking on the sidewalk" filler).

This ridiculous, trashy thriller was helmed by the notorious Doris Wishman - here directing under a male pseudonym, Louis Silverman. A quarter of the shots are out-of-focus; the acting is wooden; she lensed it in such a way that most of the actors speak off-camera, so voices could be dubbed in post; when we do see lips moving, the dialogue is often out of synch. There are visual non-sequiturs and jump shots galore. At one point a woman falls dead when a strangler just barely touches her throat. The movie, in other words, is comically inept. There are half-a-dozen pretty nude bodies on display, but otherwise this is a real snoozer, from the Ed Wood school of directing. The ugly guy who is playing the detective investigator looks like a Muppet. Oddest feature for me is an poorly-chosen female chorus on the soundtrack, atop one of the rape scenes, that reminded me of Mia Farrow's title theme in Rosemary's Baby, also a little bit of one of the Country Joe McDonald pieces over a consensual love scene in Jens Jorgen Thorsen's Quiet Days in Clichy. The Amazing Transplant is strictly for connoisseurs of barrel-bottom cinematic trash - and even they may find this dull.

I have a confession to make. Until I sat down to watch THE AMAZING TRANSPLANT, I was a Doris Wishman virgin ! Well, that's not entirely true as I had seen her hardcore/horror hybrid COME WITH ME, MY LOVE back in the day when the lady still vehemently denied any involvement in the explicit side of the sex film industry. Hoping to pop my cherry with her notorious sex change mockumentary LET ME DIE A WOMAN and waffling on the Chesty Morgan duo (Geddit ?), it was TRANSPLANT's outrageous premise that finally reeled me in. Many a starry-eyed genre "critic" (read : devoted fan boy who would defend Doris to his dying breath) has likened Ms. Wishman to Ed Wood as both were blatantly incompetent movie makers whose sheer ineptitude in terms of both narrative coherence and production values somehow translated into a charm of their own. Now I would agree with such assessment as far as Wood's concerned, whose exuberant enthusiasm largely compensated for his glaring lack of talent. Maybe TRANSPLANT was just a poor place to start exploring the works of Wishman, but her listless disinterest as a director is far more shocking than the tabloid-inspired subject matter she can barely be bothered to tackle. Simply put, I never thought a flick about a penis graft turning a nice, all American kid into a demented rapist and accidental assassin could possibly turn out this boring.

The kid in question is swinging single Arthur Barlen (played by future Oscar-winning DoP Joao Fernandez who has surely had one of the strangest careers in the world, encompassing both the mainstream and hardcore pornography, having shot most of Gerard Damiano's classics as "Harry Flecks") who turns up after a long absence at the door of spurned fiancée Mary Thorne (the deliciously named Sandy Eden), only to fall under the spell of her dangling gold earrings and choke her to death ! So much for whodunit. Arthur's widowed mother Ann (Linda Southern) seeks aid from her brother in law, detective Bill Barlen, portrayed by longtime sleaze veteran Larry Hunter. At least both Southern and Hunter attempt an acting performance, though defeated by Doris' trademark out of sync dubbing (with constant cutaways to inanimate objects and…people's shoes ?!), and had both featured in Damiano's prior to penetration TEENIE TULIP. Finding Arthur's little black book, Bill sets out to investigate the missing family member's sordid past through his acquaintances. Soon to become a fornication film mainstay, pretty Kim Pope (from Damiano's MEMORIES WITHIN MISS AGGIE as well as Shaun Costello's wonderful PASSIONS OF CAROL) appears as the new girl in town who made the mistake of putting her trust in the apparently affable Arthur and inviting him in, a vicious violation her sorry reward. Perky one shot wonder Olive Denneccio – you know that must be her real name ! – is Edie Stone, who went to high school with Arthur and has been yearning for him ever since. Their rape turned to romance bit would be offensive if it were invested with even a modicum of dramatic weight. Instead, Wishman treats it as just another skin display. Blowsy upstairs neighbor Bobbie is played by Pat Barrett at the end of an obviously all too long run in sexploitation flicks. You might remember her as the lady flashing her fleshy wares at Sly Stallone at the start of Morton Lewis' incredibly dire PARTY AT KITTY AND STUD'S a/k/a Italian STALLION as the rest of the world now knows it.

But what about that amazing transplant Doris lured us in with ? Well, turns out Artie Boy was jealous of his friend Felix's prowess with the fairer sex, as evidenced by an artily shot flashback involving dvddrive-in.com's estimable Casey Scott's favorite sexploitation sirens Linda Boyce and Uta Erickson. The film's single genuinely erotic encounter, a tiny puddle of style and sensuality in a quagmire of crap, it showcases the talents of cinematographer C. Davis Smith, who until then seemed thwarted by Wishman's ham-fisted approach, bringing to mind that he also photographed – extremely well, I might add – such adult classics like Howard Winters' practically perfect NEON NIGHTS and COED TEASERS, one of the frequently despised Lenny "Leon Gucci" Kirtman's finer films. When Felix took ill with a mystery virus, Arthur blackmailed the family physician (who sidelined as an abortionist) into the titular genital graft. The rapist tendencies are explained away by Felix having a thing for golden earrings, so "naturally" our anti-hero is so mesmerized by the starlets' gaudy costume jewelery he just has to ravish them on the spot ! The film's final shot merely adds insult to injury. Doris devotees will undoubtedly argue that she's an acquired taste and ample print evidence suggests that her legion of fans treasures exactly those same elements that leave her detractors scratching their heads and occasionally screaming in agony. I guess she's just not the girl for me, even if she does manage to build an entire movie around the premise (and promise) of pecker !