Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor

The Andy Griffith Show

Andy Taylor

Barney Fife: Andy, I've this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?
Andy Taylor: What?
Barney Fife: He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk!
Andy Taylor: That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line?
Otis Campbell: Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs.
Andy Taylor: Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?
Otis Campbell: I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses.

[Andy has told Rafe Hollister to try out for the musical]
Barney Fife: I'm surprised at you, Andy. They want people who have had musical training. Why, suppose they ask Rafe to do something he don't know? Rafe, if they asked you to sing a cappella, could you do it?
Rafe Hollister: No.
Andy Taylor: Hey, Barn, what if they was to ask you if you could sing a cappella, what would *you* do?
Barney Fife: Why, I'd do it!
[snapping fingers in rhythm]
Barney Fife: "A cappella, a cappella"... Well, I don't remember all the words.

Andy Taylor: What are you doing?
Barney Fife: Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.

Briscoe Darling: Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?
Dud Wash: I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird.
Andy Taylor: He doesn't sound like a very nice person.
Briscoe Darling: One of the worst we got.

Andy Taylor: [find Aunt Bee obviously "tiddly", then finding a 2/3 empty bottle of "Colonel Harvey's Elixir" in the hall closet] Well, it sure looks like she took the adult dose.

Goober Pyle: I love picnics. Speaking of picnics, you remember that movie 'Picnic'? Cary Grant sure was good it that movie.
Andy Taylor: Goober, Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.
Goober Pyle: He wasn't? Well, speakin' of Cary Grant, I do him.
Helen: What?
Goober Pyle: I take off on Cary Grant. Want to hear me do Cary Grant?
Andy Taylor: Uh, Goober...
Goober Pyle: Be glad to. Judy. Judy. Judy.
Andy Taylor: That's real good, Goober; but Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.
Helen: That was William Holden.
Goober Pyle: William Holden? Heck, I can't do William Holden; he sounds like everybody else.
[Andy and Helen walk off with Goober following]
Goober Pyle: I can't do William Holden, but I can do Cary Grant. Judy. Judy. Judy.

Barney Fife: [Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?
Andy Taylor: No, it's right.
Barney Fife: You sure?
Andy Taylor: Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken".
Barney Fife: [chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule.

Andy Taylor: [Picking up the phone] Sarah? What? Just soak it. That's right; just soak it a lot in warm water. Listen, Sarah; get me Thelma Lou. I know she's Barney's girl; just get her on the phone. What? 'Cause I don't want to. No, Sarah, I wouldn't rather talk to Juanita at the diner; just get Thelma Lou.

Andy Taylor: [Barney and Thelma Lou have had a fight on the phone] Uh, Barn; why don't you just call her back?
Barney Fife: [Picking up the phone] Sarah, get me Juanita at the diner. No, I wouldn't just rather call Thelma Lou back!

Andy Taylor: Barney, you can't give Otis a sobriety test now; he's had all night to sleep it off. The time to give him a sobriety test was last night when you picked him up.
Barney Fife: I couldn't give him the test last night!
Andy Taylor: Why?
Barney Fife: He was too drunk.

Andy Taylor: [Briscoe is getting dressed for Charlene's wedding] Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie.
Briscoe Darling: Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things.

[Goober thinks he has whiplash]
Goober Pyle: Floyd made the diagnosis.
Andy Taylor: Floyd, what do you know about whiplash?
Floyd Lawson: What do you mean? A barber does a lot of work around the back of the neck.

Barney Fife: [while relaxing on the front porch after Sunday dinner] You know what I think I'm gonna' do?
Andy Taylor: What?
Barney Fife: I'm gonna' go home, have me a little nap, and then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV.
Andy Taylor: Mmm-hmm.
Barney Fife: Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home... have a nap... and then over to Thelma Lou's for TV.
Andy Taylor: Mmm.
Barney Fife: Yep, that's the plan. Home... little nap... then...
Malcolm Tucker: [interrupting] For the love of Mike *do* it!
[shouts]
Malcolm Tucker: Do it! Just *do* it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV, just *do it*!

Sheriff Andy Taylor: [reading a note tied to a rock Ernest T. Bass threw through the window] "Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?" Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding?
Briscoe Darling: He might. He's just crazy enough to do it.
Dud Wash: Well, you just let him try! I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare! First, you grab the mouth and pull like this.
[demonstrates by pulling his own mouth]
Dud Wash: Then you grade his nose and twist it like this.
[twists his own nose]
Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! You want your face to freeze thatta' way?

Ernest T. Bass: [looking through Opie's old school book] Oh I know that word! Cat!
Andy Taylor: Are you sure you didn't know it because there's a picture of a cat there?
Ernest T. Bass: Why, no. Here cover it up with your hand again.
[covers the picture]
Ernest T. Bass: Cat.
Opie Taylor: Turn to a page without any pictures in it, pa.
Ernest T. Bass: You have more respect for your elders here, son!