- Titus Queasley: Farnsworth, what do you expect to achieve with such crass ineptitude, such utter incompetence, such colossal stupidity?
- Milford Farnsworth: Well, I was hoping to become your assistant.
- Snake Brice: Killin' in this town will get you 90 days. Cheatin' will get you shot.
- Milford Farnsworth: That's what I like, law and order.
- Milford Farnsworth: If you don't see what you want, just ask for it.
- Princess Irawanie: Your eyes. They should be on a woman.
- Milford Farnsworth: Yeah, they usually are.
- Tonto (Jay Silverheels): Paleface bite dust!
- Titus Queasley: Farnsworth, when are you ever going to sell a policy?
- Milford Farnsworth: May I remind you, sir, that just two weeks ago I turned in a signed policy for a Miss Alfreda Bennett.
- Titus Queasley: Which was rejected.
- Milford Farnsworth: On a medical technicality.
- Titus Queasley: Yes, a slight technicality. When the doctor arrived to examine her, she was dead.
- Milford Farnsworth: We got to get a faster doctor.
- Titus Queasley: Milford, I've given this a lot of thought. And I think this company can get along very well without you. Turn in your key to the washroom.
- Milford Farnsworth: Can't I even have visiting privileges?
- Snake Brice: Why you cheatin' tinhorn!
- Milford Farnsworth: Wait a minute! Don't anybody make a move or I'll blow my brains out.
- Milford Farnsworth: [pitch to American Indian train passengers] I knew that the minute I saw you that you were responsible gentlemen. Men who are keenly aware of your financial obligations to your family and estate. Now, no other policy can give you the protection that this one can. You don't have to worry about the cost. Your wampum can be divided into 12 easy wamps.
- Cora Lee Collins: Do you like it?
- Jesse James: Yeah. Sure do like it, Cora Lee, honey. My you're as pretty as a new bank.
- Davy Crockett (Fess Parker): Shoot at MY friend, will you!
- Annie Oakley (Gail Davis): A little high...
- [she hit his hat - was she aiming for his head?]
- Milford Farnsworth: Mr. Queasley! I'll get killed!
- Titus Queasley: You'll get killed when I tell you to!
- Milford Farnsworth: Good morning, Mr. Queasley. Do you remember me?
- Titus Queasley: With deep horror.
- Man in Bar: You can see their legs clear up to the knees, I tell you.
- Other Man in Bar: Yeah? What did you say they call themselves?
- Man in Bar: The Gibson Girls. Clear up to the knees. I tell you, it's enough to drive you mad.
- Titus Queasley: Now, Farnsie, my boy, I am going to carry the ball from here on in. You take the rest of the day off.
- Milford Farnsworth: Oh, but, it's a working day.
- Titus Queasley: Ah, it's a day to celebrate. Go on to the beach. Take a ride on the new elevator. You've earned it. Go on. Get out of here. Scat!
- Milford Farnsworth: Mr. Queasley, I'm liable to get killed!
- Titus Queasley: Stop trying to cheer me up.
- 'Ma' James: It's important to keep a gun clean, you know.
- Milford Farnsworth: Oh, I know, a guy could get blood poisoning from gettin' killed from a dirty bullet.
- Cora Lee Collins: How are things at the firehouse?
- Milford Farnsworth: Well, not too good. They found a sliver in the pole.
- Cora Lee Collins: Oh, Irawanie. This is Princess Irawanie. Mr. Fransworth, dear.
- Milford Farnsworth: An Indian Princess. Do I curtsy or just tip my scalp?
- Jesse James: Just remember, these people try to hide their jewels and money. We have to search everybody.
- Milford Farnsworth: Check. You take the men, I'll take the women.
- Milford Farnsworth: He can't do that to my girl. We got to figure out a way to stop that.
- Princess Irawanie: How?
- Milford Farnsworth: This is no time for Indian talk. Let's get movin'.
- Wyatt Earp (Hugh O'Brian): That got him!
- Milford Farnsworth: [to Princess Irawanie] Now, this policy protects you against falling objects, buffalo stampedes, and termites in your wigwam.
- Milford Farnsworth: ["disguised" as an Indian] Me show paleface. Me show how go fast. Go fast like wind through cheap tepee.
- Milford Farnsworth: I'm deeply honored by your obvious affection for me, Princess, but, I'm not your type, honest Injun.