- Gilbert Wooley: Gee that's terrible. "The Oversexed Major." Besides soldiers can't be sexy. Not with the food the army gives them to eat.
- [laughs uncomfortably]
- Gilbert Wooley: [Upon discovering that his rabbit is actually a female and has had babies] And I've been undressing in front of you all these years? You've been deceiving me. You're not a Harry, you're a Harriet!
- Lola Livingston: I couldn't bring my French poodle along and I'm not used to sleeping alone - without my poodle.
- Gilbert Wooley: I'm a magician and it's a novel kind of an act. I play the part of the rabbit, too. The magician and the rabbit. I pull myself out of the hat.
- Lola Livingston: I decided to go on this USO tour, because my picture's been postponed for a month until my leading man gets over his hangover.
- Sgt. Pearson: Hollywood will make a movie of his life in VistaVision and Technicolor. I can see it now, "The Oversexed Major".
- Gilbert Wooley: Well, I'm oversexed... I mean...
- Gilbert Wooley: It's your own fault. You had to go eat those artificial cherries off the fat lady's hat.
- Sgt. Pearson: He'll be busted out of the service. They'll rip his medals off. Drums will roll. They'll cut his buttons off with a sharp sword.
- Gilbert Wooley: They will?
- Sgt. Pearson: Why, he'll lose his pension. They'll cancel his military funeral. It's such a shame, because the Major just loves the sound of Taps.
- Kimi Sikita: I am most unworthy of your compliment, Mr Wooley.
- Gilbert Wooley: The heck you aren't. You're beautiful. I can understand now why Marlon Brando dug this place.
- Kimi Sikita: The Great Ichiyama is a very famous baseball pitcher in Japan and he is very jealous of me. He is very tall and very strong. His stomach measures around middle, over 60 inches.
- Gilbert Wooley: Sixty?
- Kimi Sikita: He has much courage.
- Gilbert Wooley: Yeah, he sounds like he's got a lot of guts.
- Gilbert Wooley: I'm too yellow to die. You know what'll happen if the commies catch me? I'll be a prisoner and they'll wash my brain!
- Maj. Ridgley: I think you must have been sent over here by the enemy to destroy our relations with the Japanese and undo all the work that's been done - by the Republicans!
- Sgt. Pearson: Will you tell me one thing? What is it you see in these girls? What is the big difference between American girls and Oriental girls?
- Maj. Ridgley: I'm not including you pushing me into Miss Livingston's bed! Or you ripping her dress off! Or you secreting that rabbit aboard the plane!
- Gilbert Wooley: Now, there is nothing in this hat whatsoever, do you notice? Nothing in the hat. Many of my friends say there's nothing in the hat when I'm wearing the hat.
- Maj. Ridgley: My daughter and I had despaired. We could do nothing to bring him joy. Even that little bridge I am building for him. Now I know it's a waste of time.
- Gilbert Wooley: Come on, Gil! Hodges, attaway. Gil Hodges, First Base. First Base, Gil Hodges. Attaway. Pee Wee. Pee Wee Reese, Shortstop. Know them all. Know them all. Pee Wee. Good boy, baby. Charlie Neal, Second. Charlie! Attaway, babe! Charlie Neal, Second Base. Third Base, Junior Gilliam. Jim Gilliam, Third Base. He's thrilled with this. Jim! Attaway, babe! Left Field, Gino Cimoli. Love you, baby. See you, hon. Gino Cimoli, Left Field. We must come here again early tomorrow. Right Field. Carlie Furillo. Attaway, babe. Heads up ball. Heads up all the way. Duke Snider. Duke Snider, Center Field. Duke Snider! Center Field. Attaway, babe. Carl Erskine on the mound. Really big ball in there, Carlie. Catching, Johnny Roseboro. Know them all by name!
- Japanese Sportswriter: It looks like the Great Ichiyama is going to throw his famous Nipponese sideways curve ball.
- Gilbert Wooley: [at a public bathhouse] No wonder the Japanese men are so clean. All the women walk around looking like Brigitte Bardot.
- Sgt. Pearson: Believe me, the next man I meet I'm gonna forget that so-called American-emancipated-woman type of independence and treat him just the way the girls in Japan do.
- Gilbert Wooley: Nothing doing. Not after being in that hot bathhouse with all those girls running around without clothes. Now you want to take me into a Geisha house? Are you sure you're only six years old?
- Mr. Sikita: Geisha.
- Gilbert Wooley: Yeah, I know what "Geisha" means. Geishas are girls and they are trained to entertain tired Japanese businessmen. Tired I am. Japanese I'm not. And a businessman I ain't either.
- Sgt. Pearson: there was this boy in the Air Force that I was very fond of. And I lost him to a Japanese girl. So, I guess I'm very touchy as far as Orientals are concerned.